The Legion of Cuzzin Superheroes

Tiger Sauce ~~~~~~~~Circular Kyle~~~~Refer Madness


Molly McBraces ~Vanity Jack ~~Penny Pincher

Captain Outburst ~The Angry Inch~~ ~~The Incredible Jerk

Feminine Man ~Mrs. Keeks

And now introducing...........

The two-headed monster known as Katebean

In no particular order, here are some of my favorite cuzzin memories:

1. Kyle's wedding. Possibly the best cuzzin party ever.
2. Me and Bryan in Atlanta. Nuff said.
3. The Cuzzin backpacking trip. Top 3 coolest things I've ever done.
4. Rob's face plant while sledding on New Years.
5. Staying up all night at Bill and Martha's with Maggie, Jake, Bryan, and a late appearance by Molly.
6. My bachelor party. Once again, nuff said.
7. The first Cuzzin olympics. Next one needs to be planned.
8. Kerry's wedding. Small room but still fun.
9. Adam's wedding.
10. Bryan's 1st wedding. The second should be better.

~

FORK SPOON

Faaaame

I want to post something but I don't know what. I will just post what I want: an honest appraisal. I want to work hard and be rewarded. I want to move around as well. I want to change. I want to be relaxed. I want to sleep less. I want to party hard as ever. I want to start to realize. I just want to DANCE!

Word of the week

Top-Shelfer: N. A turd located in the upper section of your toliet.

Beer and Bloating in Las Vegas

We were somewhere around Zion, on the edge of Utah, when my bowels began to lose hold. I remember saying something like "I feel a bit heavy-assed, maybe we should pull over." When all of the sudden the car was filled with the most rancous treachery one could suffer into imagination. Twas a foul ball, though there was nothing solid about it.

4 hours and a clean pair of shorts later, we had arrived in Vegas. We fully believed that the land that greed built could be reduced to more reasonable standards with proper portions of compassion, intoxicants and the gospel of Bootsy Collins.

Vegas, or course, is a city very resilient to mild acts of hooliganry, although they defend themselves in a manner quite different than their mormon neighbor. Their strategy is Soma, not Big Brother. Their crowd-control is self-induced. They encourage you to drink 18 well-priced Tecates out of your backpack. Then, once inebriated, they flood your senses with $6.99 rib buffets, costumed ass, lights and greed-ticklers.

Night one was a demoralizing victory by Vegas. We started well, even considered eating at Denny's, but were soon pumping bills into slot machines, over-tipping bartenders, and pumping semen into prostitutes. It was friday, half off blowjob night, and we just weren't strong enough.

So we retreated to lake Mead to regroup in our tents. The city then through us a slow-ball; a nice fat opportunity to start some trouble. Midnight was far past the curfew of the Vegas Bay RV park, and the place was ripe for misadventure. but these people have been sucked dry. The city had robbed them of their will to do anything meaningful with their lives or even find a decent camping spot. We opted not to kick a dead goat, and fell fast asleep.

The music festival reenergized us. Slightly Stoopid, Blackalicious, String Cheese, Atmosphere, Kweli, Phil Lesh, The Shins, Primus, and Beck. Our tanks were full of vigor, and we used it well. Mike got on stage with Dave Matthews Band, feigning Mike Gordon, though was immediately discovered after attempting to play the keyboard. As the security guards closed in, he gave us a preview of this winter's professional snowboarding debut, by hucking a 360 off a speaker and lodging two fingers deep inside the Dave. The crowd went wild. Score after 2 days, Team Bootsy:1, Vegas:1.

Day 3 was also packed with beautiful music and even more beautiful costume-clad festival goers. Spearhead, slutty cop, Ween, slutty red riding hood, Lyrics Born, slutty school-girl, The Meters, Digable Planets, Trey, Flaming Lips, Jack Johnson, Widespread Panic and hundreds of slutty fairies. THe funk of the Meters took me to a happy place that served a mean Whiskey-Dew, and I was ready to terrorize the old strip in my Rastafarian Priest attire, as we had deemed the main strip far too powerful. The drink flowed freely from the backpack into the mouths, but we were slowed downn by a powerful security guard in the form of some old lonely gambler who fired some thirty opiniated trivia questions at us, such as "who is 2nd in command of the 21st century's blues revival?" We tried to rebound from the disheartening delay, but it had sucked out a lot of life. My idea of eating a bunch of poker chips, throwing up on a blackjack table, and trying to play them only lead to a near asphixiation and throwing up in a trash-can. Vegas 2, Team Bootsy 1.

We had one more day left, halloween as it were, and were hoping for a tie. The plan was to infiltrate the heart of Vegas as one of its own, and we had the elvis wig and glasses to make it happen. Unfortuntaly, Elvis is dead now, even in Vegas. DANNY GANS is the way of the future. We were sadly dated. Losing hope, we activated plan B, jumping into the water during the treasure island Pirate Show, but were again distracted by a copious amount of on-stage T&A and backpack Tecates. I jumped in anyway, but the show was already over, the asians had walked away, and only asphyxiation and vomiting resulted once more. Vegas 3, Team Bootsy 1. We drove home defeated. Concellation prizes went to The Meters, Beck and The Flaming Lips, who rocked great shows, as well as Mike's fingers, who went somewhere 15 yr old girls can only continue to dream about.

rating poop

www.ratemypoo.com

I rated 4 poos before i started gagging. I'm going to try to beat that when I'm not full of chinese food.

Think ya can beat that brian?

by the way, anyone else noticed a correlation between very weak stomachs and bachelorhood?

Gettin some

I heard a couple of years ago there is a saying that if you get great parking spaces when you are not getting laid. So I'm figuring this must be the case, while I've been on an excellent parking space run the last few weeks, I haven't been getting any. Then last night - get some and today no good parking spaces. I don't anticipate getting any tonight so tomorrow should be the return of good parking spaces.

Time Killa

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

band of the week

The Coup. funk/hip-hop. live band, singer with an afro.

download "cars and shoes" "me and jesus the pimp in a '79 grenada last night" "5 million ways to kill a CEO" "wear clean draws" for a taste.

see them live, on tour now, with The Lifesavas, another of the best unknkown hip-hop groups. chicago 10/21 at abbey pub
NYC, canal room. 10/29

XMAS

Dee and I will be in Snowmass for Christmas, and most likely News Years too. We should plan some cousin activities. Perhaps one of these "cousing olympics" I've been hearing so much about. I kick ass on the parallel bars....just try me.

right now

They thought that coming in to work late, hungover and wearing a lynard skynard shirt had gone out of style. well they didnt know anything about style.

I've grown to hate the nausea-hunger more than just about anything else about a hangover. it's like a hungry, diseased dog, who when you feed him tries to bite you.

i have a bottle of absinthe in my car, I intend to drive straight from work to drink it next to a police station by where a few friends work. there is a frisby golf course there, but it's just dawning on me that it might not be a great idea, but will almost certainly be done anyway.

It also just dawned on me that I forgot to call Adam back and tell him I'm not coming to Moab.

Bands on tour that I'm excited about: The Duo (jazzy) Midnite (reggae) Mos and Kweli (hip-hop) The Coup and Lifesavas (hip-hop). www.jambase.com is an excellent source for finding local concerts.

Nutrigrain bars all smell the same.

We're all just amateurs

Holy God!!!!!

Two things

Uno:
Is anyone as creeped out by condensation as I am? I mean I have a glass of ice water in front of me and somehow the water has made its way from the inside of the glass to the outside. How the fuck does it go through glass and why does everyone else just except this as normal?

Dos:
I'm drawing a huge blank here. I had something and then I lost it. God I hate that, I have the short term memory of a speck of dust. Screw it, it was probably stupid anyway. I'm just going to throw out an arbitrary prejudice: I hate people who breathe.

Kill your TV

I've come to the realization that nine out of every ten books that I read are only mildly interesting and easily forgotten. Sure they are usually well written, but good prose can only take you so far. I'd like to think that its my superior intelligence that causes my disinterest in said books. However, better sense dictates that I'm probably just picking the wrong books. In light of this revelation I am providing a list of books that I have discovered to be not only profound and insightful, but deeply enigmatic as well. I hope they save you the frustration that comes with trial and error. Anyway here goes(in order of favoritism):

The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger
Siddartha by Herman Hesse(thanks again Rob)
Illusions: The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah by Richard Bach
Jitterbug Perfume by Tom Robbins
Petals of Blood by Ngugi wa Thiong'o
Life of Pi by Yann Martel
Replay by Ken Grimwood
Slaughter House Five/Cat's Cradle both by Kurt Vonnegut
Dharma Bums by Jack Kerouac
The Idiot by Fyodor Dostoyevsky
Lost Horizon by James Hilton
Brave New World by Aldous Huxley
The Jungle by Upton Sinclair


I hope this helps someone and I'd love to know what you guys are reading.

a link, and praise for karl denson

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-4335230085826254641&q=%22family+guy%22

Interpol Funnies

Dee and I went to see Interpol for our birthdays last week. Excellent show, I have to say. Two funny events to describe:

1) Noone was eating popcorn in the Michigan Theater, despite the fact that it was on sale in the lobby, making me wonder if popcorn was acceptable during concert shows. Dee presumed that, no, It was not allowed since people would spill it too much. I scoffed, then found out that they did allow popcorn! So, I bought some, loaded it up with slimy butter, and then immediately spilled it all over the seats and floor.

2) We sat in the balcony, so noone was standing up or dancing during the show. Dee was bummed out. It's a concert, y'know; people should be standing. Oh well. Moments later, we saw a guy that actually was standing and dancing have an argument with a muscle-head behind him, presumably because muscle-head's girlfriend couldn't see. The argument escalated into the muscle-head grabbing the dancer and strangling him. Security came, girlfriends were yelling, muscle-head was in his element, etc. So, strangulation is what happens if you actually do stand and dance in the balcony, for future reference.

Worst Cousin

I am getting the worst cousin award for the week. Bryan came up to Madison for a football game with some friends. He called (short notice...but still called) and told me he was going to be there. Well, he arrived a bit late so I didn't get to see him before the game, but told him to come meet me after on the main strip of bars. But as it turns out I spent about 4 hours in the bar the entire game, swilling pitchers like they were one man refreshments. Things became a bit fuzzy aound that point, boozy and covered in beer spittle, I took to the streets. Surounded by a carnival of lights and a stampede of red clad fans, I cheered hard and proud. Sticky fisted from the cocktails of yore, I howled at heavens as if to punch the Gods with thanks for leaving my team the victors of the tourney (I must add that this was almost the first football game I've ever watched and I actually hate football). I wrist-punched any object that would make my play in the roar greater than the others (resulting in a bruised wrist, and erotic stares). Time passed with my elation ending with a barfy hot nausea. I began asking people to meet me at street corners that didn't exist (I don't recomend...results in confusion) and body going completely limp in the middle of the road. It was thus time for the walk home. That night I looked like a retarded man trying to swim. Bryan called, I think I was already at home; lost was our meeting. So... moral of the story: Bryan I am sorry, if you are coming up again this weekend for Widespread, give me a call, I'll make it up to you
:)Jake

Anagrams

Well I'm stoned and bored. To kill the time before Matlock comes on I've decided to make some anagrams of all the cousins' names.

Robert Smith=Merits throb and Be shit Mr Rot
Kate Weisenborn=Weiner as Bent, OK?/Weiner Basket On/Weiner Task Bone/and so on
Kyle Smith=Likes myth and Them silky
Dee Smith=Dim sheet or deem shit
Adam Williams=I am dismal law
Molly Cournoyer=Cruel or my loony
Jeremy Smith=Meter shy Jim
Bryan Cournoyer=Run coronary, bye
Matt Williams=Me llama with wits
Kerry Machnica=Hayrack Mincer
Ryan Machnica=Chinaman racy

!

Has anyone, in the country, ever read Mary Worth?

Serious sunday comics are just one of a long list of things that are complete bullshit, but we're used to them. Fuck Mary Worth.

Larry

Here's a silly little short story I wrote tonight, after deciding it wasn't yet time for bed and going to the jazz bar by myself.

It's kind of a sequel to The Pedometer (see short story 5/07/2005)

I've always believe that the first thing that you see in the moring sets the tone for the day.
So there's a spot next to my bed, above my alarm clock, that is the host of a carousel of pictures and quotes, placed to fill my morning blank slate with optimism and purpose.
Right now the picture depicts a middle-aged gentleman, bald, portly, and completely naked except for a ball-gag and two large electrotrodes applied at the nipples.
I look at this picture every morning, and I see POWER.
Now I'm not talking about the electric power that, based on his expression, is coarsing through his body at the moment of capture.
no no no
He represents something entirely different than the erotic implications of electricity.
He personifies freedom.
He, Larry, as I have grown to call him, had been emancipated from the chains of societal mores, the shackles of convention and reputation, free from any boundaries or restrictions.
Well, besides the ball-gag.
"Larry" has achieved a freedom few of us can even imagine. He has reached a plane of consciousness, one of absolute truth and beauty. pure self-acceptance.
The man does not have a comb-over.
Every morning I greeted my day with aspirations to be 100% myself, not caring of the judgments of others, and every night I hung my head as I faced his picture, unworthy of his pained, unblinking gaze.
Last saturday was particularly bad, I wore uncomfortable shoes to an uncomfortable bar and felt it was I who had the problem when rejected by a tall, overly made-up blonde.
I still had so much to learn, and I knew just who I could learn it from. I vowed to meet Larry, and I intended to devote the coming sunday, and every day afterwards, to making that dream come true.
Now I've never been one to underestimate the power of the internet, especially when it comes to the location of aging sexual deviants, but I worried that Larry might prove ellusive. Maybe he lead a double life, maybe The Picture was just a fleeting image, a forgotten moment.
Maybe the man would hesitate to discuss the chain of events that ended with him gagged, erect, and in considerable self-induced pain.
Yeah, and maybe the Trojan Horse wouldn't work, but they fucking tried it anyway, didn't they?
So I brewd a pot of strong coffee and set down to business.
Sure, there were a few points where I wanted to quit, where I wanted to exit those horrible chat rooms and discontinue the young, supple alter-ego I had created. But you can't run a marathon without dropping some sweat.
It was some time around sunrise on monday morning when a shot in the dark lead turned up the man I so desperately sought. He lived in New Hampshire. His name was, indeed, Larry. The connection was beyond the realm of science. Truly I had found my mentor.
On Monday I booked a flight. On wednesday I made first contact. A week later I had set up a meeting, feigning the role of an East Coast party organizer. "It's not just a party," I told him, "It's a way of life."
So yeah, I met Larry. And yeah, he taught me a lot. Lubricants, for example, double as conductors, although in the case of a car-battery, this is seldom advised.

update on my ladies. cuz i know all of you are dieing to know. i failed. and now i have a stalker who creeps out people on mushrooms.

another update. i have decided to create a drinking game(it being saturday night, with minimal to do) where the goal is to make yourself drink. its simple. you hit a cup, you drink it. first round: 6 cups. the smaller the cups the better. game time in 10 minutes.

another update: i love easy mac

another update: i have hairy balls, and a hairier gooch.

Gone Yurtin: a photographic journey

alright, I have put Matt's pictures up on a web-site.

photos.yahoo.com/phantastikdan

It turns out all the pics are parentproof, so feel free to share the link.

Captions, and their inherent fun, are the main reason I did this. Unfortunately, I am the only one allowed to change captions. I can give you guys my yahoo passsword so you can change them, or you can simply write some caption ideas in comments here, and I'll change them myself. That's probably easier. For instance, "change Gone Yurtin' 078 to "Bryan has a beard." And it shall be done.

Enjoy, and to everyone else, you should come next year.

Oh, and Bryan, we can def. get your pics up here as well. mail me a disk or i'll give you my password and you can do it.

the story of my life

I have decided that my masterpiece will be my autobiography, so i take my living seriously. I constantly ask myself, if this chapter were a tv show, what would the 10 word TV Guide synapse be?

For a while it was, "one man struggles to meet girls in a new city"
now, it's "one man is blue-balled by inspiration"

of course, the critics (my reflection) hates them both. But maybe there's progress there.

The story would start with me saying, fun is no longer what matters. sex has too many astringent strings that siphon my time. i have a higher calling. i am withdrawing from my daily hedonism in pursuit of my art. and then i would masturbate, maybe read a little, perhaps a movie.... I'd get little glimpses of high creativity, i'd open a file, write some words, think about how tonight is going to be great, i'll write until the sunrise. then i'll stare at my screen awhile and take another break.

I want to suffer for something. I'd like to suffer for my art, but I don't think I have one. I am fully prepared to give up most of my joys and all my comforts for something, but i just don't know what that should be.

any suggestions?

the clock is ticking.

so here's a request, write what your current chapter synopse would be, and then what you'd like your next one to be.

Gone Yurtin'

I thought I would post a few pictures from the 1st Annual Cuzzin Backpacking Trip. There are WAY too many awesome pictures to put up here, but here's some for your enjoyment. I'll be sending out the rest of the pictures on Friday. I also wanted to say that I had one of the best times of my life and it wouldn't have been the same without you guys. I can't wait to do it again next year.

miss me?

sorry i havent posted in a while. im sure all of you miss my stupid butt/boob pictures as well as my fantastic links. i still havent fixed my computer because the computer people leave before my classes are over. iv got a killer of a semester to look forward to. I also got my first ever D on a math test. which sucks. but it was the first test in calculus 2, so i guess its alright. many were stupid mistakes on stuff i could have done in my head. oh well. i will make a note of posting more often, but i fear i may not be able to post my usual hypnotic asses. I apologize.


bragging time:
on a side note im single and back in the game. im currently working on getting the hotest girl in school(and im not the only one who says so). And shes in the same boat as me(just got out of a long relationship, still in love with ex...) and its nice cuz shes also cool as hell too, acts like a hippie, modest, and is the friendliest drunk ever. so even chillin with her is alright. not yet totally complete though, due to a crazy freshman girl who wont leave me alone and sleeps on my spare matress. thats right, i have a stalker cuz im a pimp. say otherwise and your ass is grass.

what, i love the ladies.
and im not sexist cuz most of my friends are girls. so ha. although, maybe these girls think im gay. that wouldnt be cool. nope, couldnt be. they know what iv got to offer. they all know what iv go to offer.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

"George Bush doesn't care about black people" -Kanye West

This is a view of whats happening in New Orleans that you won't see on TV:

http://tiadaily.com/php-bin/news/showArticle.php?id=1026

This is just plain ridiculuos, notice the look on Mike Meyer's face

http://media.putfile.com/Kanye79

backpacking quotes

As unofficial sternographer, I shall now post the quotes from 4 days of thoughts of all depths on the colorado trail.

"I'm off to a good start"
-Bryan

"A picture of a dog on a rock is a picture of a dog on a rock"
-Bryan

"I'm counting rocks, so far I'm at 8,952"
-Bryan

"TRY HARDER!"
-Kate, after Bryan told her his voice doesn't go high enough to properly do the Woody WOodpecker laugh

"That's the third Will Smith song that's been sung today"
-Rob

"Your teeth are bleeding"
-Kate, responding to Bryan's Crystal Light teeth

"Snottin's for snot, PICKIN's for boogers"
-Rob and Kate

"Ewwww, stop changing your mind"
-Kate, after matt attempted to reneg on his "middle" call

"We should go streaking"
-Bryan, referencing possible hooliganries to enact on the man's club, called the Mountain Goats, camping nearby

"Where's the bowl? I need to celebrate."
-Adam, after finding his spork

"Honey, sugar and chai tea is an effeminate Knob Creek mix"
-Rob (followed immediately by)
"Ahhh! this tastes like butt", "This is probably what your blister tastes like" and "I'm thinking of pouring it out"

"Man, when you stand up you feel really tall"
-Bryan

"Bitch, get me an old style"
-Bryan, on barn sounds

"Day 3-the hormones set in"
-Rob, after Bryan saw a vagina in the fire

"Fuck yeah, we work together"
-Bryan, on him and his dog attacking a bear

"A chilli dog. it was red and it had beans"
-Bryan on what his poo looked like (there was also a chocolate ice cream swirl, two scoops of pumpkin innards, and walnut brownie mix reported)

"You push them in the fire!"
-Rob, after saying he hears voices

"Catbean is playing with string"
-Kate

"When you have sex, you should go na na na na na na, and then yell catbean when you climax"
-Rob, on catbean sex

"What'd you do for 3 months? I shoveled."
-Bryan, on spending a winter on the continental divide

"I feel like I'm walking behind a flintstones bus"
-Matt, on the effect of hiking with panchos

"I thought there was a stampede"
-Bryan, after being startled by a biker while smoking the continental divide

"We should open a quartz store up here. And people would be like, this store is stupid, there's quartz everywhere."
-Rob

"I left my brain somehwere on the continental divide"
-Matt, looking for his water bottle

"You look like a stoplight"
-Kate, on the water-missions' red, yellow and green panchos

"I've got a water-bottle"
-Bryan

"We're about to test the fortitude of the yurt"
-Matt

"God I hate this thing. Fucker, fucker, fucker."
-Matt, on his shock-pen.

"What if there were smell-storms"
-Rob

CATBEAN

by mattrobkateliz

New Name 4 Rob

and here's why

Wipe styles of the rich and famous

I wipe from the back to the front how do you?*



*(information will be compiled to determine the ultimate cousin wiping technique or UCWT)

Canadian Lethargy

I'm in Vancouver, visiting a very close friend from college. Sami, a roommate, smoking buddy, confidant and object of unrequited forbidden love.

I'm having a great time, but am a little disappointed myself in my lack of 'sieze the day' mentality. We've done a lot of cool things, hikes, swimming, movies, canoeing, buddhist temple visiting, etc but nothing really memorable. I've always felt that i need little forms of excitement to keep my adrenaline craving from boiling over. These boil overs are dangerous things. I once robbed a gas station.

But right now i'm like, boil, damnit. While a small cliff jump keeps me away from the bigger cliffs, maybe that's the reason to hit the big cliff first.

I haven't done anything all day, I haven't written or studied all week. I just read and play and eat and sleep. and smoke and drink. After a week of this, it's hard to say a still believe in the "go big or go home" and its depressing. I don't think I've ever had a week off work in a great exciting place with a great exciting person and come back without a single decent story to tell.

I'm going to go big tomorrow, hopefully in a way besides alcohol consumption, but i guess that's the backup plan.

I realize I really need time alone to keep on my path. THat's probably the big problem here, not the little outlets for adrenaline. When it's constantly "what small source of joy comes next" you never really go "how about we say fuck joy, i want intensity"

Well, it's 11, she's in bed, I just took my rejuvinating cold shower, i think i'm sayin it now.

I can't think of anything besides sleeping on the street...could go out pimpin....be wierd for an open mic...guerilla motivation....

none of these feel right. now that i've written this, i have to do something. fuck

The state of things

Achtung!! Non-humorous post.
I am sure there among you there is a colloquial sense that the state of things in the Western World if not all of the First World countries are in bad repair. I am sure there are hundreds of topics to hit on (politics, famine, well-being, etc.) The one that hit me most today was creativity. I was watching MTV trying to listen to the lyrics and formations of the songs, and it was all completely thoughtless not an ounce of creativity involved. All seemingly required is to be good looking, rich, and hyper-egoist. So I tried CMT, and to no prevail, I came up with the same thing. Good-lookin' dudes and chicks singing the sappiest shit I've ever heard. Each song took me to a new low in musical individualism and creativity. I was very disturbed after some thought to realize creativity seems lost. There are true artists out there, but nobody's buying their records, art, literature, or poetry. They pass under the radar going noticed only so often. Will there be any poets from our lifetime? Any great novelists, that will change thought and set new forms of morality and judgment? Is there life beyond pop, or pop-rap hoes n bitches? There was a time when those being true individuals in expression, were actually being compensated for their struggles. When Dali was alive he was revered and payed great sums of money for his work, Dylan had to struggle to get out of the lime-lite, Andy Warhol gathered elite artisans from around the world for extravagant albeit weird soirees. We are rewarding the wrong things: money, bitches, hoes, tits, n' shit. Even scientists who are at the forefront of developing our new lifestyles are going un-noticed. There are probably folks out there who are as intelligible as Einstein but nobody would care unless Paris Hilton endorsed his logo. Its only getting worse too, celebrities are only getting more and more powerful and less and less talented...I just threw up on my keyboard. love Jake

RLS

Here is some poo of mine. I am pretty sure that I have Restless Leg Syndrome. It sucks as much as it is funny. For those of you who don't know: Restless Legs Syndrome is an overwhelming urge to move the legs usually caused by uncomfortable or unpleasant sensations in the legs. The sensations have the following features:

* Occur during periods of inactivity
* Become more sensitive in the evening and at night
* Are relieved by movement of the limb
* Often cause difficulty staying or falling asleep, which leads to feelings of daytime tiredness or fatigue
* May cause involuntary jerking of the limbs during sleep and sometimes during wakefulness

If you do have restless legs syndrome (RLS), you are not alone. Up to 8% of the US population may have this neurologic condition. Many people have a mild form of the disorder, but RLS severely affects the lives of millions of individuals.

Cousin Picture of the Year

links!

best videos on the net...
basketball
juggling
card manipulation
pure talent
soccer skillz one and two
compilation of clips
dear penis
dude with ups (notice the height on the backflips)
another (and cooler) jumper
skateboarding clip (notice the first trick)(rodney mullen is the name, the inventor of basically every trick in skateboarding)

misc:
boob curser (almost as cool as the walking butt)
mind altering
erotic solotair
more sexy games
strangly entertaining game


last but not least, in honor of hunter s...

purely manly

two questions:
1. is it wierd to be talking about drunkenly sodomizing your hot ex in the future, with that hot ex, and having her be all for it?

2. is it weird to be woodless during that conversation?

perhaps its guilt, seeing how i wont be single until next week.

two more questions:
1. why do ghetto girls got so much ass
2. why you say never say never, when you know that aint right. cuz to never say never, you done said never twice.

three more questions
1. is this cute, or just weird









2. is this hot or what? i mean, just look at his package.















3. is this funny or sad?

now that im picture happy, here. sorry ladies, this may get manly.

A friendly post

Well isn't this interesting. The Smith boys rule the blog...I dig. Good posting had by all. As for Rob's fourteener hike, I was just waiting to see what type of mayhem Ted got you to into. I like how you turned it into an exercise of thought and reflection. More importantly, returning to me, I have been without internet for a while; thus my lack of postings. I am trying to break the bad habit typing grammatically shitty interweb-speak that I've developed over the years, I realize my punctuation and spelling are at the third grade level. I also just moved into a new apartment, which ,god willing, will prove to be a creative sanctuary. Today me and my cohorts will dangle from a rope swing, and swing our worries away. We will laugh and sing being friends and happy, just outside talking hoo-hooing being merry, good day. Jeremy, I believe is really into breasts. That is wonderfully clever. Personally, I am more of a fourth or fifth-tier porn viewer where forays with scat and urine are not uncommon. I got hit on last night in a bar...pretty fatly modest looking girl. I also have noticed your guys affluency for lists or "best of"s here's an entry for you BEST ADVERB(I think): Fatly
toodles

russian wives

I'm sure I'll receive some guff from you guff flingers about this one, but I think there's about a 50% chance I get a mail order russian bride.

well maybe not quite 50, but a decent chance.

You can't beat the convenience. You're doing someone a huge favor. You get some crazy food cooked for you probably. And we all get another cousin party.

Still not convinced?
That's because you've never been to THIS GLORIOUS SITE

now that's a lot of russian brides. I wonder what the record for most russian brides ordered by one american business man is. Jeremy, get out yer guinness book. and get me a guinness

inventions

I've had the runs for a damn week now, and was once again dropping my goo when I remembered an old invention idea. A toilet paper dispenser that also has a few buttons for sound effects. "3-2-1 BLASTOFF" that sort of thing, that when pressed add an element to the pooping experience. I'd find it quite satisfying to drop my boms to the sound of a falling bomb or screaming villagers or even both. Then when done, you can press the "i lvoe the smell of napalm in the morning" (if it's a morning poo) or similarly "it smells like victory". Even "the horrror...."

Another invention that, although cruel, I think would sell is a Michael Jackson Mr. Potatoe head. He's got detachable nose, color changes, the rhinestone glove hand. You can build the classic "thriller" michael, the slightly deranged "heal the world" michael, or the super deranged current micheal. fun for the whole family.

alright i'll now think of a third invention...okay, how come bath tubs don't have built-in pillow/head rests? How come there's no anti-laxitive, for cases like i currently find myself in? How come my ass is so hairy?

Kyle’s Horror Extreme

Best Horror: Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Most God-Awful Horror Sequel: Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2

Best Horror Masquerading as Drama: Rosemary’s Baby

Goofiest Horror: The Blob

Funniest Horror Series: Halloween

Goriest Film Ever, I mean, Just Completely Overboard: Dead Alive

Most Gratuitously Disturbing: Salo

Most Artistically Disturbing: Eraserhead

Most Unsettling Movie to Show to a Foreign Exchange Student on Her First Day in the States (my bad): The Doom Generation

Most Horrifically Hilarious Swayze: Roadhouse (ok, not horror, but still…)

Best Horror I’ve Seen in the Last Week: The Hills Have Eyes

August Movie Reviews

Today we will be reviewing the following movies: Stevie, The Station Agent, Muppets Wizard of Oz, and Humanoids from the Deep(the original).

First lets talk about Stevie; This movie, starring the infamous Stevie Fielding and Steve James(director of Hoop Dreams), follows a reunion of a big brother advocate(James) and his problem child tens years later and hilarity ensues. Stevie now lives in a trailer next to the trailer he grew up in and his hobbies include catching snakes, fishing drunk, fighting, and taking advantage of female relatives and neighbors. This movie actually has the audacity to try and make you feel bad for a pedaphile and with some sucess I might add. Watch it if only for a glimpse into another world. C+

The next movie I will discuss briefly is the Station Agent. I'll just say this; it stars a midget living in an abandoned train station who befriends a talkitive Cuban, an artsy divorcee, and a mysterious little black girl. Oh yeah, the midget has unnatural man love for locomotives. B+

Moving on, The Muppets Wizard of Oz was a huge disappointment. Yeah it had lots more scenes with Pepe the Prawn, but it also had way too much Ashanti and a poor story line. This movie falls way short of previous Muppet movies and I fear the franchise may have peaked with Muppets from Space. D-

Lastly we will talk about Humanoids from the Deep. Tis movie is possibly the best B-grade horror movie ever made. Complete with gratuitous nudity, violent gore, and poor editing this movie has it all. It follows stars Doug McClure and Vic Morrow as they fight the humanoids who are killing unsuspecting males and then mating with the females in order to create a supreme race. Fucking kickass. A+

worst website ever

www.jeremy.com
at least he has a sexy smile to go along with that sexy hair.

whats worse is, dont you have to pay for .com sites?

boobs

14ers

I set out early thursday in search of 14ers. My friend Ted had taken the week off from work, scouted out spots and promised he had everything we needed. To understand the adventure fully, it helps to know Ted. First by saying he had everything we needed, he was correct, although he forgot to pack several critical elements, such as sleeping bag, tent, headlamps, food, etc. He's a full-blown alcoholic, smokes upwards of a quarter a week, and has little or no interest in any sort of "Natural High," including girls or proper dog maintenance. I've always seen him as a lost soul, and assumed that the replacement of pabst with heavy hiking might help him face the truths, or at least be mentally present for some of my patented timeless wisdom.

So at about the time he showed up an hour and a half late without anywhere near proper equipment, we gave up on any 14ers for thursday. We did find the trailhead for Mt. Bierstadt, and then got horribly lost in the woods. Ted had taken down most of a 12 pack of pabsts, countless bowls, and neither of us had any sort of bearings on direction. After about 2 hours, with the sun setting, we found a ribbon tied to a tree that said "Escape Route" Well I suppose that's a good sign, we said, until the path made a huge arc and seemed to be taking us farther from where we wanted to be. We abandoned "Escape Route" partyl because of it's haphazard guidance and partly because there were none of these ribbons anywhere near where we wanted to be. After another hour and the loss of a lot of morale and hope, we were once again on the "Escape Route" and eventually found a road that we had driven up.

We woke up at 9, on the trail at 11 and drinking a Bierstadt beer (pabsts) by 1:30. Then the hail and lightning came and we scrambled down no problem. We then savored some ribs, wings, and other assorted spiced meats in Georgetown, and set up camp on the base of Mt. Gray. Ted opened up a little, saying he drinks and smokes so much to cope with things. His divorce, minimal social life, insomnia, dyslexia, etc. I replied that escaping is the worst way of coping, and it didn't seem to me that chugging vodka at 10am before hiking a 14er helped with much of anything at all. He agreed.

Today we woke up at 9. It was a clear sky when we started, so I wore shorts and a "Life is Good" T-shirt. We were on the trail by 11 and savoring the view from the top of mt. gray (the biggest Mountain on the continental divide) by 1:30. Savoring might not be the proper word though, because despite am incredible view of probably 100 miles in nearly every direction, all we were really looking at was Mt. Torreys, another 14er about a mile away, with a very steep climb up what turned out to be the east face the my limiited research told me not to climb. After considerable coaxing and arguing about the relative danger of the huge clouds rolling in around us, we were at the top of Torreys about an hour later. I insisted we smoke a bowl despite the increasing hail, and we had to take shelter behind a pile of rocks as the hail quickly and dramatically increased in size and quantity. High of 1 hit, we started down. It hailed heavy the whole damn way. Cold and soaked, it took about 2 hours down. We encounted hail, sleet, light rain, heavy rain, i think every consistency of H20 splattered me for at least 20 minutes each. Then dry clothes, a big dinner at the TommyKnocker Brewery and a long bath later, here's what I've learned:

-Exhaustion can cure most things. A bad mood, heavy questions, Ted's hangover, writer's block, just fucking go until you can't anymore.
-GU, although disgusting, works quite well for energy.
-A good barometer of how well (or at least adventurously) you're living is how many showers you've truly savored.
-Easy 14ers aren't that hard. Or easy.
-A common first step in doung something interesting is deciding that you want to do something interesting, and coming up with a few ideas.
-Pooing outside: IF you prefer interest over ease as I do, I suppose pooing outside should be done until no longer interesting.
-They say Buddhist enlightenment can only be achieved through a desire to help others (life is suffering, inner peace is the answer, you can't teach it if you don't have it). But enlightenment also guarantees freedom in future lives from this world of suffering. Seems kinda strange that it can only be achived through wanting to help others, but then immediately frees the enlightened from the only realm where they can help.
-I'm not as young as I used to be. But I'm younger than I'll ever be again.
-I want to do a long-term hike soon, but this is not fishing for an invitation to the september journey.
-I want to be remembered as soaked with sleet, wearing a Life Is Good shirt, and laughing down a mountain, screaming to pancho clad expressionless hikers that we're being fired upon.
-Pictures help with sharing, but writing helps just as much in solidifying the memory.
-It's about progress, not perfection.

Think about it

A Common Confusion by Franz Kafka

A common experience, resulting in a common confusion. A has to transact important business with B in H. He goes to H for a preliminary interview, accomplishes the journey there in ten minutes, and the journey back in the same time, and on returning boasts to his family of his expedition. Next day he goes again to H, this time to settle his business finally. As that by all appearances will require several hours, A leaves very early in the morning. But although all the accessory circumstances, at least in A's estimation, are exactly the same as the day before, it takes him ten hours this time to reach H. When he arrives there quite exhausted in the evening he is informed that B, annoyed at his absence, had left half an hour before to go to A's village, and that they must have passed each other on the road. A is advised to wait. But in his anxiety about his business he sets off at once and hurries home. This time he achieves the journey, without paying any particular attention to the fact, exactly in a second. At home he learns that B had arrived quite early, immediately after A's departure, indeed that he had met A on the threshold and reminded him of his business; but A had replied that he had no time to spare, he must go at once. In spite of this incomprehensible behavior of A, however, B had stayed on to wait for A's return. It is true, he had asked several times whether A was not back yet, but he was still sitting up in A's room. Over-joyed at the opportunity of seeing B at once and explaining everything to him, A rushes upstairs. He is almost at the top, when he stumbles, twists a sinew, and almost fainting with the pain, incapable even of uttering a cry, only able to moan faintly in the darkness, he hears B-impossible to tell whether at a great distance of quite near him-stamping down the stairs in a violent rage and vanishing for good.

blog no. 2: pure class

this is a shitty job (big PUNisher) (oh-PUN that door for me) (shut up PUNk and PUNt the ball) (rePUNzel, rePUNzel, throw down your hair)







boob
BOOBS!, man, this guy is creepy.
i need more....
1, 2, 3, 4, this goes all the way to 12(see "more")

my big debut

first and foremost i would like everyone to know, i enjoy boobs, especially big fake boobs
and i had no idea bush could be so sexy.

also, i apologize for my absence, while i may have been physically gone, i assure you i was present in spirit.

also, kyle, you have a cute butt

Kyles of the World

I've compiled a list of links to other Kyle Smith's out there in the world, with a bias towards the funny ones. Enjoy.

1. This one creates terrible comic strips
2. This one has evolved into something I don’t understand.
3. This one has a purple belt from Wang’s, the one and only
4. This one only takes appointments
5. Dead
6. This one is orange
7. Scroll down for this one. He won the race (but looks just awful)
8. This one likes a “conservative atmosphere and Aggie spirit”.
9. This one is a great guy and has a sweet tooth.
10. This one isn’t sure about career goals
11. This one is hungry, damned hungry

And now for the all K.S. sports lineup…

• Football
• Baseball
• Hockey
• Basketball (with a bad jaw—see photo)
• More football
• Soccer (my favorite of all time)
• More soccer (woa)
• Sexy Track

Aspenectomy

It is true that I am in CO. It is also true that I am gay. I went on awesome backpack trip to indian peaks except it rained all day everyday and it was freezing. No I'm back in boulder maybe doing some more extreme sports. Most of the family is in aspen (Robot, K-rack, Jeremy Donut, and Hilary R-Adam Clinton) that town is too swanky for me. I hear the cars there run on stureon caviar and bald eagle heads. Im so 'core. I do key bumps of diazanon. anywho, labor day is for anal-heads

We will never break it up, break it up, break it up

http://www.carllewis.com/video.music.1.html

on jakey and other rare phenomenae

No internet thus no blog: coming to colorado tomarrow 'till12th: when i return will have internet: thus more gusto and a reason for being: where is cousin camping party: do you rooks realize the shear amount of matter that must be festooned to you in order to mix partying, baggo, camping, tnt,undies, beeer jake

New Years

I know its kind of early, but I wanted to see if there is any interest in a cuzzin New Years Party. I was thinking of maybe renting a hut in Colorado, but that may be too much for everyone. Let the blog know if anyone is interested or has any ideas about where to go.

Cousin Awards

As a full blown cousin olympics has yet to occur, I thought it might suffice to come up with some awards, for the regular season. Add yer own at the bottom.

-BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY: Brian, for the story of the guy who keeps thinking about drinking his water but never does, then he gets decapitated.

-BEST HYPERBOLE: Jake: I'm being licked by the flames of the devil"

-BEST TRACK&FIELD DEBUT: Jeremy

-WORST COUSINBLOGGING: Jeremy

-BEST BOY: Umm...me?

-LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT IN XTREMENESS: Jake

-BEST SUPPORT AT WIDESPREAD CONCERT: Molly

-LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT IN PASTRY-PHONE-SEX: 1-800 Biscuit

-JAKIEST MATT: Adam

-BEST GROOM: Matt

-WETTEST BRIDESMAID: Kate

-BEST ADAPTED NICKNAME: Thai Chi Chi

-BEST PIZZA THROWING: Kyle

-BEST SUPPORTING PIZZA THROWING: Whiskey

-BEST AUSTRALIAN ALMOST COUSIN: Molly

Does anyone else think this CNN article is funny? The photo looks like an ad for a tv show starring Jerry Stiller as a smarmy, frustrated father. Aww, look at him, nothing goes his way, poor guy.

Band of the week

Ozomatli--they are kick ass. I saw them play last night in a park in Brooklyn. It's just unreal how good these guy are, a latin funk/jam band with a social justice and anti-war message. For you guys in Colorado, they are playing 7/23 @ Aspen Highlands and @ Red Rocks on 8/17. They are also playing in Detroit on 7/17, but they use real instruments so Kyle on Dee might not like it(yes I am still upset about your widespread panic comment). Anyway I highly reccomend checking them out.

On a side note--the book Farenheit 451 is a great read if you haven't read it already and to Joe Hio......I'm reading Rosshalde by Hesse right now, its pretty good so far.

Michigan Central Station

Kyle's Urban Adventure:
I infiltrated the Michigan Central Station yesterday, an amazing building that once served as the main train hub when Detroit was thriving, but is now abandoned. Check it out here. The city had recently put up large fences with razor wire around the perimeter to keep people out, but I found a way in. Two words: scary cool. The ground floor is mostly two massive rooms with ornately designed arched ceilings and fancy doorways. Quite an echo too. Think Grand Central Station in NY (which had the same designer), minus people, plus years of decay. After scoping out the main area, I walked up to the roof (19 floors). Best view of Detroit ever. Period. My friend climbed the smokestake on a rickety metal ladder, which scared us both nicely. Otherwise we just explored all of the little rooms, crevices, nooks, discarded pieces of wall and ceiling and glass, rampant cool graffiti, vacant and dangerous elevator shafts, tucked away homeless shelter, etc, on the roof and a few lower floors....the whole thing is just plain amazing.

cowboy poetry

I have some dark poetry to share to you:

Addenda to Uber-Coca
Its not your head child
which appears to be lost
its not your momma child
whos to pay the cost
find your way child
into my gaunted stare
just feed me your palm
and we'll hastily begin there

step lightly towards my smile
lost youthful one
simply closer to my smile
narry need be a-stun
for it is a fiendish smile
dark and well defined
yet, I assure you young babe
your shoes will not lost their shine

Uglier Than Lucy

By a landslide.



It looks like the clown from Twisted Metal.

suck ass jake

I suck ass I still haven't found a job yet and am looking hard. My landlord kicked me out of my apartment so he could refinish the floors, and my knee hurts. I worked at a mexican restaurant for a while but when they told me that i didn't button my pants the right way, and I was not walking up to par with restaurant walking standards and that I'd have to change my gait, I quit. I also worked 23 hours in just over 2 days and only made $100 pesos. so now I am poor, sullen, tired, and suck assy. I went in for an interview with a UW telemarketing donation bullshite and somewhere in the interview told them that the job was monotonous and that the only good thing was that it was indoors. Even Sean got that job. aye! REI is still waiting to call me back for an interview. I am going to apply to Erehwon, the schwinn gt and mongoose world headquarters for internship, starbucks as barista, thatts all for now.

Camping on Basalt Mountain 

The Color Red

Well I'm back from an incredible trip to Colorado. Much thanks to Senor Rob for the use of his pad(my door is always open should you like to visit the apex of hell). I had alot of time for introspection while I was away. These are a few of my thoughts:

-Things do NOT happen for a reason. Reason is completely subjective and therefore holds no sway over causality. This thought actually makes me feel more comfortable.

-I have started to notice the unusual attachments I have to certain innaniment objects. Take my favorite t-shirt for example. I've had it for nearly a decade and have recently decided to only wear it selectively because of its deteriorating condition. How strange. I also realized that I love my dog more than most humans(relatives excluded). I will need to ponder this odd behavioral patterns for a long time.

-I have also decided that my two worst faults are materialism and impatience. I plan to remedy this as quickly as possible, though I believe it may take some time. In the words of Yoda, "You must unlearn what you have learned." Very true little green guy, very true.

-Kill your TV(I plan to shortly)

-Bumper sticker sighting: Keep your Rosaries off my Ovaries -pretty good although I found it odd to see a 80 yr. old woman driving the car(I don't think anyone wants those ovaries)

I have alot more thoughts, but I want to refine them first because I am confused as to whether they are mine or a product of the books I have recently read. I also have some awesome photos to post. Hope all is well with everyone.

Burt Reynolds' unparalleled machismo

if I was burt, I wouldn't have acted any differently

http://cbsnewyork.com/topstories/local_story_145094335.html

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2005/05/25/earlyshow/leisure/celebspot/main697613.shtml

he loves his work

I am inter-less

I don't have access to an internet...well I do but I have to walk to it. so my submisions to this forum will be few and far between. I have left a life on the road for the more mundane "workman's lifestyle." I don't have a job yet, however, and am so board and tired. sweat drips down my back and slides down alas beyond my dirt cave

apricots

have you ever had an apricot?

my god, they are fucking delicious

maybe it's that i was hungry and lucid, but good lord, that thing was tasty

i'm eating a chimichanga right now, and i'm a little dismayed to say i liked teh apricot better. although the chimi was made by little juan and cost well under one (1) dollar.

hooo boy

okay, pull yourself together, stop talking about the apricot

so i didn't get dream job. let us never speak of it again.

the snowmass chilli and brew festival is not to be missed. for $25 dollars i was treated to 3 hours of speedy microbrew sampling, all the free chilli i could eat from tons of vendors and a spearhead concert. And I have now officially declared myself a member of the polar bear club. I fetched a frisby out of a water treatment pond half way up snowmass, but that's not all. i also jumped in the punch bowl (awesomefun) but there's more. somewhere above tree line on independence pass we saw a snowy hill/peak and decided it was sledding time. we equpped with 2 frisbys, a laundry basket and a cooler lid and started heading toward it through about 6 inch deep snow, all in shorts, one in sandals. after a few minutes, it was getting a bit cold on the feets, and some started talking abotu heading back. i responded by making a mad sprint at the hill. as i approached i realized that the snow i was breaking with each step was covering about a foot of water. cold cold water. i ran out until i lost a show, freaked out, took my other shoe and both socks off and stood in my laundry basket massaging my feet and feeling doomed. i was then inspired by being passed by the sandal clad crew member, poured the water out my shows and headed up. sledding didnt work, the sleds just sunk in. the hike back was horrible. unlike apricots, which are delicious. panic in 4 days.

IQ Test

I've created an IQ test that will examine you as human being. Using an in depth formula I can calculate your place in society. As a great philosopher once said, "Standardized tests are the only reliable format that can tell you who you are." Please answer truthfully, as I stated before in a previous sentence on an unrelated posting, this is very scientific. The questions will differ in intensity and depth so take your time answering. Thank you for your time and good luck, I will post the results after the tests are in. Special thanks to Lizard for her contributions.

1. How would you describe your facial hair?
a)Post-bender stubble
b)Grizzly Adams
c)Smooth as Paris Hillton's beaver
d)Magnum PI

2.What is your favorite color?
a)Teal
b)Mist
c)Aqua
d)Cobalt

3.Four trains are travelling to New York, which will arrive first? The one from...
a)Mystic, CT
b)No Name, CO
c)Tuscaloosa, AL
d)Dooganville, PA

4. There's a spider at your front door, a snake at the window, and a scorpion on the phone. Do you-
a)None of the below
b)Answer the call because scorpions can't sting over the phone
c)Eat the spider because its a hallucinogenic Peruvian Tarantula
d)Wait for the snake to eat the trippy spider

5.What article of clothing are you more likely to wear
a)Capri pants
b)Tank top
c)Dickie
d)Ascot

6.How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop?
a)Who cares?
b)Give me back my sucker you fucking owl
c)2,345
d)2,346

7.If you were stranded on a deserted island what thing could you not live without.
a)Hot fudge to compliment all the desert
b)Sweet, sweet titties
c)The Lifetime Channel
d)Capri pants

8.You are riding the subway and an attractive person is standing next to you with a nipple popping out, do you.....
a)Put on your sunglasses so you can stare without getting caught
b)Try to hide your boner
c)Politely call it to his attention
d)Tap the guy next to you so he can see too

9. How would you describe your favortite sexual experience
a)Rootie tootie fresh and fruity
b)Moons over my hammie
c)Table for one please
d)Eggs benedict with a side of sausage

10. Which song would best describe your personality
a)Its Raining Men
b)Purple Rain
c)Rain drops keep falling on my head
d)Blame it on the rain

Guess who? 

ashtray eyes

My eyes burn so good. Like steel wool on a rotary tool in my arse. I threw out my hip while I was trying to sleep. Aye aye aye!

I miss Bumperdank Wangstoner
this is the site of the cuzzins: cournoyer
ricky martin is caliente
but enrique is not so suave mente

I Cunt Sleep

I sure can't sleep right now. Spicy-Maggie-Sandwich fed me some sort of insane crazy (redundant) coffee and rum drink at midnight and I'm wired out of my gourd. I'm still wired and its like 3 hours later. I am drinking raspberry lemonade...pronounced Lemonaad. SHut up richard
I see a tree
With boughs 'n' leaves of three
I see a chimney
'N' I put too many pills in me
I see a flower
Haven't yet had today's shower
But now its time to flee
With my chain, lock, 'n' key!

I make a mean meatball calzone. 

Coming soon..............

Guess The Cousin Part II

Frustrated!!

I have been trying to write some songs lately--trying to put together my guitar playing with maybe some brief song writing I have done. Whoa is me! Its hard as a fuckin' 'ell. Its like trying to rub your stomach and tap your head for hours at a time without ever even puting anything together even close to resembling the task. I want to jump out of my skin...its itchy. I spent like 4 days at the cottage doing nothing but playing all day and still, nothing. errrrrrreghhghggggggg. Id almost rather live in New York...wait, no still not even close. I'm sure you've had similar frustrations: having a vague idea of a very specific piece(writing, work, playing instruments) yet making no progress towards it. Maybe i'll take a break from it for a day or so. Yeah! that's it. That's going to work. Thanks for the help.

My answers

-1-
“If Your Car Is Old Enough, Driving Is An Adventure Too”

”Alright. Stay calm …stop the car…we can handle this. Okay. We’re going to need some flashlights...where did we pack those….ah yes, they, along with everything else, were in the trunk attached to the roof, which just moments ago was splattered across the highway by an 18-wheeler. Relax…look, there’s the beer. Mmmm.”

Those were basically my thoughts at 1:54 this morning.

The crew had been awoken by the jarring sound of our rear axle breaking free of the 1977 Station Wagon and my screams of confused profanity. We were faced with the immediate task of foraging the 2AM highway for the vast majority of our gear.

Shoes, rope, clothes, Pabsts, everything; smashed and strewn across the highway. We’re all guessing that Dave, who takes great pride in the quality of our equipment, will be having nightmares about our little ground zero for weeks.

We armed ourselves with beers and our 2 remaining headlamps and went foraging.
I caught one funny disapproving glance from a driver who apparently thought I was so trashed that I believed I was spelunking the ditch next to the highway.

We found everything but a few Pabsts and a shoe, and despite our belief in the “never leave a man behind” mantra, turned our attention to the injured Wagon.

After a few minutes of head-scratching and cursing we concluded that the best solution would be to proceed with our plan of donning bandanas and “hijacking” the Toltec Train in Alamosa, and assume that some car-fairies would fix the wagon while we were away being bandits. So we raised our thumbs and were quickly picked up by a truck-load of errant Eskimos speeding towards the border. But that’s a different story altogether.











-2-
Yes, I grudgingly admit a cell-phone in the backcountry is a good idea. In my experience, Sprint does well with Rocky Mountain reception.

I’d love to say no, because fuck cell-phones. We’re out here for adventure and escape and the cell-phone violates both of these.

But yeah, there’s just too many things that can happen that would require a 9-1-1 call. Especially considering that a fearless-pursuit-of-adventure mentality is multiplied when surrounded by people with a similar approach.

Plus, 9-1-1 operators are now mandated by the FCC to be able to trace all wireless calls.

Climbing with a rope does take away a bit of the danger-thrill, but you do it anyway. There are lives at stake.

Anyway, that damn writer is going to need regular internet access to post his manic writings to the forum, so it’s not like we’re really cutting the strings to society.

However, I would not, under even the most extreme circumstances, condone the use of one of those little head-sets. Or, for that matter, the text-message.

























-3-
If you’ve lost your ability to laugh at poop-jokes, you’re taking life too seriously.

Despite my unwavering fondness for this type of humor, as a passenger in this putrid station wagon of doom, I’d see it as more of a problem than a joke. We’d have to pull-over, the seat would likely be stained, and there’s a possibility of vomitus. That’s at least a ten minute delay.

But it is funny. Especially if they were someone else’s shorts. Or if we went back to the store where they were purchased and attempted to return them unwashed.

In the name of Gonzo Journalism it seems only fair to cover it in depth, take pictures, refuse him my extra pants, and blast it all over the internet with his name and address attached. Especially if it was me. If it occurred to someone more concerned with obtaining an upstanding, feces-free reputation, I could write the post with an anonymous assailant. The community would then be asked to guess which team member committed the foul deed.

Here’s the beginning of my article:

“The Funkiest Thing to Happen to Shorts Since James Brown Recorded “Hot Pants”

Combine 1 part questionable Mexican Food, 8 parts Pabst Blue Ribbon, marinate for 7 hours, add 2 parts Cowboy Coffee, shake vigorously. Whatever it is you’re left with, we were all struggling to contain it this morning.

It was a battle, like trying to keep a greased pig away from a pile of Big Macs. One crew member, who prefers to remain anonymous for some reason, got outmaneuvered and combusted into his Patagonia Rhythm shorts. At first I thought, we’re going to be okay here, Patagonia’s website guarantees that the crotch of the shorts “is gusseted for multidirectional use.” But I was quickly hit with the smell of…

Writing Advice

So I've got a huge writing assignment that needs to be completed by wednesday. I'd appreciate any advice, thoughts, etc. I'll post what I send to them on wednesday.

So I found my dream job on craigs list. Actually it's probably several of our dream jobs.
Here's the posting for the job: http://denver.craigslist.org/wri/74281655.html

I submitted my resume and writing sample, and am 1 of 15 finalists. I need to answer these 3 questions in 300 words or less, by weds at noon.


1. It is dark. You're 60 miles outside of Alamosa, Colorado. You're
traveling in a 1977 Dodge Royal Monaco Brougham station wagon (no,
really you are). The axle falls off (no, really, it might), throwing
your roof rack full of gear into the path of an oncoming semi (that
doesn't stop), your crew mates are passed out. What the hell just
happened?

2. Cell phone in the backcountry or not? Why?

3. Can you tell us what you would find valuable (from a journal entry
point of view) from this scenario, and what you could bring to the
fouram.pro website the following day:

After a long, hard, night of roadside Mexican food and Pabst Blue

Ribbon, the group is making their way to a local trailhead for a hike. Some of the members are getting a harsh reaction to the Cowboy coffee
that was served campside that morning. Unfortunately, one of the members gets an instantaneous blow out that soils a brand new pair of Patagonia Rhythm shorts. We're talking major catastrophic loss of control here.

First of all.is this funny? Or, is this something that we need to keep on the down low?

Write how you would treat this event, or not?




pretty cool questions, eh? I'm having some fun with them already. lemme know whatcha think

mu

Hello, My little hairy friends. Today's task is to meet somebody new. I met a huge fat cigar shop owner. He was funny. I will see him again for a smoke and coffee in his little shitty cigar shop. I played butt-hunter and it is a funny game. I am going to go to the cottage tonight and maybe go on a canoe trip this weekend. I am going to go to Colorado sometime around the 20th and stay for a week or so, so look for me to be stopping in a Colorado city near you. I am having chicken patties for lunch.....dos. I just started to record some guitar stuff onto a handheld tape recorder so I can remember what I have played. I smoked a cigar and had a grande cup of coffee, I am pretty zoned right now, and I am going to take a grande corn relish shite in the toilet. I saw a M.I.L.F at the farmers market. I ran around the lake the other day to relieve stress it was like upwards of 10 miles. I want to work in this old classical book store, I went there today and farted all over the basement of it....note to self: farts in old book stores do not combine to make a good smell. New White Stripes album is coming out soon, I suggest everyone buy it and listen. Jack White is an artist his machismo overflows like the Ganges in monsoon season. Without porn there is not internet. Love, Kaiser Wilhelm II

Butt Hunter

Good times for the whole family.


http://www.killsometime.com/games/game.asp?Game=Butt-Hunter

Guess the cousin 

notice the cheers

http://www.muchosucko.com/video-trampolinebear.html

revenge on rob smith

I have returned from my jedi training in the wood of Lodi. I learned to use the Force to wipe my ass. I now am in Boulder showing my light saber to all the LA princesses. But I yearn for princess Amygdala. I plan to return to and take out my revenge on Rob Smith for his strong attack of the spoons overcame my powers. Little does he know that I plan on releasing my ultimate weapon on him.........my Brown Star! capable of ultimate destruction. Die Obi Wan KaRobbie!!

Darth Jaker 

Bloody Penguin game

This game rocks if you're bored. I got 995.7 feet.



http://www.killsometime.com/games/game.asp?Game=SmackTheBloodyPenguin

Alternatively, how about not having a philosophy? Roll with the punches, so to speak.

Although that could be considered a philosophy itself. Darn, it's inescapable (smacks self on head).

In other punching news, I thought I'd badmouth a band you all love called Widespread Panic: they're super boring. Ha! Swing away.

2 quick relationships

To me, the ideal realtionship starts with some honesty. You discuss the things you like to do, you find out what matches up, and you do those thigns together, You don't start giving each other rules and expecting the other person to fill all the other spots taht you need filled. I say radical honesty the whole time, always know where you each stand.

So I had this working for a while, once a week we matched up for dinner, conversation or a couch movie and some sex. then she told me she loved me, and I told her i didn't so much love her. In fact, I love a girl from my past still probably. So that ended.

Then I meet a new girl. Again, we match up for a couch movie and sex a few times, as those are the only roles i need filled right now. Tonight, she calls me, says she's bored, I say I'm writing, I won't entertain her, she get a little pissed. I decide it's time to share this philosophy with her, how I want to know exactly what she's looking for and tell her that this is all I'm looking for, and I don't want her to get too attached. She says that's fine, she wasnt looking for love, but she doesnt really like sex that much. Never has. SO i tell her, that's fine, we still have movies, I'll call you nex time I want to watch a movie on the couch with somebody. We talk a little more about how it's a relief to know where each other stand, and i decided I should also mention that I will evantually, and probably more sooner than later, find a girl that is into not only couch movies, but also sex, and she will probably be replaced. So now that's over.

So I guess I'm wondering what you guys think of my relationship philosophy. I am still a proponent, and I don't see these as failures. We kept everything on the surface, and realized that things didn't match up so well, and ended things civilly. well not civilly. Both times the girl was quite mad and I was fighting back not laughing. Am I emotionally shallow? I suppose I am. quite shallow, probably.

A rapper I like, atmosphere, defined relationships as sexual positions and emotional investments. Maybe i'm just a very conservative emotional investor. It's not that I'm afraid to lose, I enjoy being sad and getting through it. SO what's my problem then. I do not know. And now I realize that everyone who reads this is in a relationship, so i don't know, maybe i need someone to tell me the joys of love or soemthing, because I'm just not seeing it. I find tonight's event funny, and I'm probably going to call a different girl to see if she'd like to watch a movie on the couch tomorrow, starting the whole process anew. hmmmmm. maybe i'll leave out the part of her being replaced soon.

While we're on the topic of liver,
How about the fact that a liver can metabolize liver when you eat it. Food for thought...

random thoughts

I was about to post some random thoughts but saw that matt beat me to it. good thoughts matt. i think I only have one actually.

The liver. you'd think that having an organ with such a critical sounding name, we'd spend less nights abusing it.

that is all.

cfinals

My creativity is hindered, I have to study for finals. Want to write and play guitar but can't finals got me down. It seems like an oxy moron I'm studying but it is making me less productive....Does the Man have anyone else down?

So what

A collection of thoughts:

I feel like protestors are running out of viable reasons to complain. In Chicago they were protesting a pharmacy that wouldn't sell the morning after pill(for religious reasons). So what!? walk down 10 feet to the next pharmacy you idiots. Maybe they should smoke more pot and stop annoying everyone.

I just got my Atari out of my parents attic. Fuck yeah I did!

People(I won't name who) have recently started carrying small boom boxes on the subway and blasting their shitty rap for all to hear. What the hell? Are they too cheap to buy an iPod, discman, mp3, etc. or just too arrogant and rude? I just want to grab the boom box and smash it. Either that or I'm going to follow suit and bring my own so I can play Muppets Sing-Along for everyone.

Sandals really do kick ass. I mean is there anything better than walking around in flip-flops. No guy, there isn't.

I say we get rid of cars all together(no offense to your Dad Joe Taebo), they suck to take care of, gas prices are out of control, they are horrible for the environment, and who doesn't hate every other person on the road besides yourself? On a side note....isn't it wierd how Asians will only drive Japanese cars? I don't know, maybe its not that weird, what do I know. Fuck it.

Did you know that El Jebel means "the mountain" in Arabic? Yeah that's right Arabic, not Spanish you butthole.

I have lots more that comes to mind but I don't want to make this too long and pretentious, in fact don't even bother reading this. Although I guess if you got this far you already read it. Maybe I should move this sentence to the top. Oh well. If you are still reading this, just stop now because I am rambling on purpose and you should have figured this out by now. I would like to say though, if you are still reading this, that the rest of the cousins(William Bold, Joe Hio,
L' Viagra, and myself excluded) should start contributing. Don't be scared!

short story

just a random lil thing i wrote a few nights ago. still rough draft, but considering few things make it to a final draft, here it comes.

The Pedometer
There have always been random little things I’d like to do, but I don’t because I worry what people would think about me. Lately I am attaching very very little importance to the worry that some person will think I’m weird. I am weird. I’m proud of that. “the greatest art form is a life well lived” –ken kesey “all the freaky people make the beauty of the world” -michael franti

Grabbing some change out of the mall fountain is a perfect example. I need change for laundy, Here are piles of change, glistening in the water. That money belongs to anybody that values a few sideways glances at under $4.00. When I’m in a clear mood, I am that person. I’ll grab some money and giggle all the way to the candy store on the 2nd floor. I get paid to be the weird guy. I get a good story and some candy, and maybe some on-looker is inspired to be himself a little more.

However, this is one of those lessons that needs to be constantly reinforced. Every day I must relearn that I should highlight my weirdness. Reading a few quotes is a good reminder, but what really is living one, doing something strange and public, every single morning. Here’s mine.

I have about a quarter mile walk to the bus-stop. I also have a pedomoter, which is a little machine that measures how many steps you take. I love that little bastard. Carry him everywhere. Every morning I turn him on as I walk out the door. While waiting for the bus, I’d usually check to see how fast I’m walking that morning, as a measure of how tired I am. Less steps almost always mean a good mood. My record for fewest steps was 214.

One day about a month ago I left my house in a particularly good mood, and vowed to beat 200. I shattered it, tallying an impressive 182 steps. The next day I wanted to beat that. I did. Same thing the next day, and once again, another great victory.

For a week or so after that, my step count signified something entirely different than happiness. It was a confidence barometer. If I felt good about myself, I didn’t care how goofy my overzealous gait was, I just wanted to see a nice low number when I got to the bus-stop. If my mind was running slow, I subconsciously tried to fit in with the morning commuters, and walk at their same boring step-rate. On these days, I’d always reach a point where I realized how ridiculous this coping was, and vow to never do it again. One day, that vow stuck.

So now, every morning, I launch myself down my steps, and big-step my way to bus-stop. I step as big as I possibly can on every single step.

People stare. They make funny expressions and they almost get in car-accidents as their gaze lingers, waiting for some kind of meaning to my ridiculous stepping. That’s become my favorite part.

Running and jumping were ruled illegal at some point. So there haven’t been any number break-throughs in weeks. It’s been tough competion. Last week I took exactly 118 steps three out of the 5 days. I do yoga now, and I’m not ashamed to admit that a big factor in the decision to do it regularly was the promise of greater stepping ability.

I don’t really see this contest coming to an end any time soon. Every morning I big-step my way to the bust stop on St. Charles and Morengo with a smile on my face, and all day I remember the feeling of not giving a shit whether people think I’m different. I am different. I can step extremely far for my height. It’s all about when you transfer your weight.

nawlins

i have returned from the new orleans jazz festival, and have verbal highlights for your reading enjoyment. here we go

bands i saw: soulive, jurassic5, karl denson, isaac hayes, toots & the maytals, spearhead, steel pulse, trey, ike turner, los lonely boys, anthony hamilton...all awesome, download if you aint on it...especially the first 7.

-met the Meters, they signed my paper, there were unimpressed with my funkiness, which wavered between a meager 6 and 8 over the week.

-my funkiness reached its peak during the Isaac Hayes set, when i spotted a beautiful woman put my arms around her and gave her some deep-voice, "i wanna make sweetlove to you down by the fire" style pimpin. download "i stand accused" and you'll understand.

-i think ike turner made a reference to some good wife-beatin, but it was a bit of a stretch. "and then i showed her what the blues were all about." one can only imagine...

-food. po-boys are tasty, although i would advise you to avoid the fried sausage po-boy and then get on a plane. i'd also advise you to avoid dave's insanity sauce.

-also on food...split a massive big fried seafood platter with judd, who incidentally beat me badly in the college poo-tally, and were percolating butt-coffee before we even left the restaurant. the ass-vomit poos are way more fun when you have a friend in the next stall yelling "3-2-1-BLAST OFF" before you let it fly.

-drank all kinds of sugary spring break type drinks the first night, and then licked a waitress because she "wouldn't leave me alone"

-isaac played the chocolate salty balls song.

-the fire/water fountain. how can a water fountain be on fire? i don't know, but drinking a whole lot didnt help me figure it out.

-absinthe is trouble, even american absinthe which lacks the sweet (read: nasty but psychadelic) thugon.

so there you have it. respect to new orleans, my favorite city in the world for food and music. now is when i propose a cousin trek to jazz fest next year.....proposed.

boyes!

I just spent most of my weather and climate class drawing nude pictures of men on the course evaluation sheet. I was sitting in a pretty ass-xposed position, low and behold a kid fart came out. A few people heard... Last week I saw the Violent Femmes play, a little old but still kicked ass. semenster almost over.

warning about ledges

I just received a warning from the dean of students about the block party that I already attended. I thought that it was wise advice so I'll let you in on it: Use extreme care near the ledges, as falls do happen, often resulting in serious injury.