Thursday, January 17, 2008
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Why I shaved my beard
I had quite the holiday beard. 3-toned, thick, mature, luxurious. Why did I shave it? Vomit dingleberries, that's why. A nasty virus got ahold of my stomach last week causing me to puke an ungodly number of times. Food and fluid residue in my beard I can handle. But vomit---that's crossing the line.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Monday, January 07, 2008
Shitty Movie Reviews
For some reason I've been on a shitty movie kick lately. If you decide to watch any of these movies keep in mind that they suck and I told you so first. That being said here is my rating system:
* Only worth watching if you're trapped in a room with only a tv, dvd player, and this movie and you don't feel up to smashing the equipment for enjoyment instead. Probably should never admit to having watched this movie.
** Requires a significant amount of pot, booze, and other illicit drugs to induce a modicum of enjoyment.
*** Fun to watch if you've taken 3 vicodin, drank 4 beers, and smoked some weed.
**** If you go into this movie thinking you're about to see the worst movie ever and alter your state of mind accordingly, you may come out of it thinking it was slightly better than you anticipated. Maybe.
***** This movie would pass for enjoyable sober although it is not advisable to do so.
THE MOVIES
Hot Fuzz **
Not nearly as good as Shaun of the Dead which in my opinion was fantastic.
Best Line: "Before you could say 'gypsy scum' we were knee-deep in dog muck, thieving kids and crusty jugglers."
Accepted ***
This movie sucked but it had some pretty funny moments. The fat kid is hilarious. The other fat kid with the afro makes the movie worth while.
Best Line: "I got fired for making a shrimp slushy."
Superbad *****
I loved this movie. The fat kid is great, he's also in Accepted although he's much fatter. McLovin might be one of the funniest characters ever.
Best Line: "Stay calm, okay? Let's not lose our heads. It's... it's a fine ID; it'll... it's gonna work. It's passable, okay? This isn't terrible. I mean, it's up to you, Fogell. This guy is either gonna think 'Here's another kid with a fake ID' or 'Here's McLovin, a 25 year-old Hawaiian organ donor'. Okay? So what's it gonna be?"
"Sounds like a sexy hamburger!"
I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry *
This movie sucked bad. I would only watch this if had a burning desire to see Jessica Biel in her underwear and you'd never heard of youtube.
Best Line: "Now place the ring on his hand. A ring is like a circle, it goes on forever. It's not like a triangle, triangle have corners. It's like a circle."
Snakes on a Plane ****
This movie really could go down as the worst movie ever made. It had the worst premise and acting I've ever seen. But if look past all that you'll be happy to see such cool things as: a guy getting bit on the penis by a snake, a chick getting bit on the tit by a snake, a fat girl getting off by a snake, and much more. You also get to hear Samuel Jackson scream "Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!"
Best Line: Fucking snake! Get off my dick!
* Only worth watching if you're trapped in a room with only a tv, dvd player, and this movie and you don't feel up to smashing the equipment for enjoyment instead. Probably should never admit to having watched this movie.
** Requires a significant amount of pot, booze, and other illicit drugs to induce a modicum of enjoyment.
*** Fun to watch if you've taken 3 vicodin, drank 4 beers, and smoked some weed.
**** If you go into this movie thinking you're about to see the worst movie ever and alter your state of mind accordingly, you may come out of it thinking it was slightly better than you anticipated. Maybe.
***** This movie would pass for enjoyable sober although it is not advisable to do so.
THE MOVIES
Hot Fuzz **
Not nearly as good as Shaun of the Dead which in my opinion was fantastic.
Best Line: "Before you could say 'gypsy scum' we were knee-deep in dog muck, thieving kids and crusty jugglers."
Accepted ***
This movie sucked but it had some pretty funny moments. The fat kid is hilarious. The other fat kid with the afro makes the movie worth while.
Best Line: "I got fired for making a shrimp slushy."
Superbad *****
I loved this movie. The fat kid is great, he's also in Accepted although he's much fatter. McLovin might be one of the funniest characters ever.
Best Line: "Stay calm, okay? Let's not lose our heads. It's... it's a fine ID; it'll... it's gonna work. It's passable, okay? This isn't terrible. I mean, it's up to you, Fogell. This guy is either gonna think 'Here's another kid with a fake ID' or 'Here's McLovin, a 25 year-old Hawaiian organ donor'. Okay? So what's it gonna be?"
"Sounds like a sexy hamburger!"
I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry *
This movie sucked bad. I would only watch this if had a burning desire to see Jessica Biel in her underwear and you'd never heard of youtube.
Best Line: "Now place the ring on his hand. A ring is like a circle, it goes on forever. It's not like a triangle, triangle have corners. It's like a circle."
Snakes on a Plane ****
This movie really could go down as the worst movie ever made. It had the worst premise and acting I've ever seen. But if look past all that you'll be happy to see such cool things as: a guy getting bit on the penis by a snake, a chick getting bit on the tit by a snake, a fat girl getting off by a snake, and much more. You also get to hear Samuel Jackson scream "Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!"
Best Line: Fucking snake! Get off my dick!
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)