bumper stickers

I figured you guys would like this one. I quote the bumper sticker on the truck ahead of me, "If it flies, it dies" with a bunch of ducks and birds around. I agree, wise man...I agree...

running reflection

a shaven man sits atop a sloped plain
sweat beads upon his brow
only to flow down his recessed cheek
wrist bracing its fall
pooling and itching
yet never wavering thought
as a freshly cut limb of tree,
wounded by sharpened axe,
shifts course, forking beyond breach
continuing north, onward
without emotion,
never bleagured, willing
to wonder...

America

alright, 2 videos. The first may make some of you a little less proud to be American. The second will renew that pride.


America1

America2

Calling all cuzzins

I'm thinking about going to Colorado for 7-10 days in June. Right now my tenative plan is to fly in June 23rd, catch the Widespread Panic shows at Red Rocks June 24, 25, 26 and then head to Aspen for a week possibly staying until July 4th. I was wondering what everyone's plans are around then and if there is any interest in joining me. Hope all is well.

Humpermatt Willboner

mostly for kyle

and EVERYONE ELSE....

hahaha, thought this was only for kyle. you thought wrong, foolish bastardly cousins.

The State was one of the funniest shows ever to grace the television. Then came the movie Wet Hot American Summer, also quite funny. Then came the Reno 911 and the Stella Comedy Series. All the same crew or memebers of the original, all the same weird funny good.

What's next? Stella Comedy Show, premiering June 29 on Comedy Central after south park. and a Movie written adn directed by one of the main players in all of this, The Baxter.

2 months advance notice...yeah that's right. i've got my mouth on the State pulse.

jobless

Good summer plan sir william. It might have some parallels to my summer plan, because as of next thursday I am officially UNEMPLOYED. found out today, no more job for this guy. basically a technicality that they can't have an intern work over a thousand hours and i already reached it, and have no room to hrie another writer full-time. So i might be spending some time in independence pass as well, also some aspen style for a decent period of time.

my options are to find another job in advertising, find a part time job and write a lot, or do something like americorps. no idea what i'm choosing yet. also wondering if i should start prepping for moving out of america when my lease is up in sept. or get another year in denver, or even aspen.. decisions, decisions..... any advice?

As for jazz fest, I arrive by plane friday afternoon (april 29), and leave tuesday. I am going with a close friend from college and we're staying at one of his friends house whom he calls "man-head." I'll talk to him about whether it would be a big deal if you were to rock a couch. doubt anyone will care. you should come man, should be quite the weekend.

As for the fake ID, I looked for a while and decided that it must be in Michigan. I'll see if my parents want to bring it when they come here for memorial day, or even mail it directly to you, but I can't make any guarantees that they'll be eager to facilitate the exchange of illegal property.

For lack of creativity..

I'm feeling more humorous than creative lately so enjoy this, just type in your name and watch.

http://www.punchbaby.com/great.htm

On summer

Well, after careful thought and many a nigh idea, I have come up with my new plan for the summer. It is a bit more realistic than what I was planning. It begins as follows: I am going to finish classes here in Mad., then I am going to b-line it to Independence Pass. I am going to stay there hike, climb, write, play guitar, etc. until I get sick of it (which will probably happen quicker than I think.) My next move will be to Move on to the next destination, maybe some friends in Boulder, or California. This is all depending on if "The Van" will take me that far. I am going to begin the sumemr with no job right now because I can, I assume later in the summer I will start feeling broke and dirty so I will come back up here and make some money. My general idea is to be flexible and visit some people (i.e. Humperdink, Hio, A-train, Jalapeno, in Colo.) As to NOJazz Fest Hio san when are you leaving, arriving, staying until, sleeping, etc. I may be driving down there the 29thish but I don't know I can't get anyone to come with and I don't know about the van. We'll see. Fangboner I got 21 homers on that game...awesome.

driving

maybe it's just the endless amount of ford commercial ideas i've been writing, but my new metaphor for life is the highway. of course the whole fast lane/slow lane cliche, but theres all kinds of ties. we all know someone who drives slow in the fast lane for example. and most importantly, road rage. some get cut off, knwoing full well it was not with ill will and they've done the same shit before plenty of times, and just lose it. ruins their drive. especially in retrospect because it's all they remember about it. getting cut off dont mean shit. either slow down and enjoy the ride til you choose a route, or floor it toward the destination. dont follow traffic and look for an excuse to lose it.

sorry, preaching to the choir.

happy holidays

jeremy, kate, jake?: if you or anyone you know has extra mealpoints, one good 4/20 memory of mine is spending them on boxes of candy and driving around throwing it at people. funny reaction of :"why you son of...oh its candy....i will eat thsi candy...uhh alright I guess you're even"

Oops........

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Can you say trippy?

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Aphorisms1

Felt like bringing 2 of my many countless pages of aphorisms to the daylight of cousin consideration. Comment em up. more to come

On Morality
The purest morality comes not through love of neighbor because of God or societal mores. It comes through the question of what is the meaning of life. We do I do with my life? Morality through God is based more on fear than the desire to do “good.” When we realize that the only pillow that comforts our death-bed is the people we have helped, that is pure morality.

On Utopia
The incredible amount of unfulfilled potential in our society makes anyone who has thought it through either quite depressed or quite motivated. The next step toward utopia is organization.

On Work Vs. Play
It seems this decision, like most, has only one correct answer. We look for the right balance, but it is quite possible that one is more important than the other in every situation, and maximizing it should be behind every single decision.

On Senses
We discriminate among our senses. We devote so many nights to touch, we sacrifice health for taste, music is central to most events, but smell gets no credit. It’s the easiest to please, no health or real monetary price for pleasing it…just smell that candle. Perhaps a part of enlightenment is considering every input from every sense beautiful. At first it makes sense with just sight, see it all like abstract art, colors, shadows, good….but it could work for the rest of ‘em too.

On Judgment
We get offended by comments like “I hate those pants.” But all judgment basically comes down to saying, “That’s not my taste.” “I would never wear those pants” etc. These aren’t threats or insults. They’re comparisons, no different than saying “we’re different in pants-tendencies.” So anyone who values individuality should take the I hate your ____ as a compliment. Thank you sir. It’s because I’m not you.

On Determinism
In the past, many proponents of determinism(the belief that everything is pre-determined) would mostly argue that it is all seen and therefore determined by an omnipotent God. Today, more believe in evolution than creation, but science has a grasp on the decision making process and theorizes that it can be reduced to an equation. So the whole future could be this complex equation (Credit: Waking Life) So it was determinism through God, now it’s determinism through math.

On Masks
When a person acts in a way that is inconsistent with their true self, it’s like wearing a mask. When someone acts a way and receives negative consequences, they wore the wrong mask, and lose self-esteem due to their mistake in examining situations and determining the right behavior. Some keep working, harder, studying, paying more attention to detail, sculpting their masks and practicing their behavioral repertoire until they have the perfect mask/act for every situation. So it is often those that are most skilled at evaluation, understanding people, playing this game of life, are those that wear the thickest masks. Those that are the sickest.

On Sexual Prospects
A man gets close to a butterfly on a leaf and quickly snatches out a hand to try to catch it. If successful, the never-to-be-focused-on-satisfaction human man finds himself with another possession, that’s perhaps wounded during the catch. If failed, the man sees the butterfly even more wantingly as it flies away, and tells himself that next time he will act quicker and harder, although knowing that this will likely damage the creature even more. Thus the most skillful catchers are those that have the least caring for the butterfly. They do the most grabbing, the most catching, the most damage. So we see that the most beautiful are those that must learn to fly the fastest.

On Power
One current way to bring power to the poeple is to bring people to the powerful.

Ramblings

I hope I don't offend anyone with list, but I'd like to post my list of people that the world would be better off without. Here goes (in no particular order):

Ryan Seacrest-where did this guy come from anyway?
Will Smith-if I am subjected to another movie of his I am going to gouge out my eyes
Britney Spears-slut
Eminem-don't really need to explain this one
Charlton Heston-or any member of the NRA for that matter
Jared from subway-I hate this guy
The Taco Bell dog-I know its time has passed, but what the fuck?
George W. Bush-WORST PRESIDENT EVER!
Barry Bonds-whiney little bitch
Tony Blair-see George Bush
Keanu Reeves-has anyone else noticed his obsession with playing the Jesus-type character
Joe Hio-simply because of his animal killing article, I still like the guy
50 Cent-first, its Cents you moron. second, since when did it become cool to be shot 7 times?
R. Kelly-how is this guy still walking the streets? Sick fuck.

To be continued......

Please feel free to comment or add to the list.

Flick

In keeping with the theme of UM course evaluation forms being filled out this week, here's some flicks I've seen recently:

Excellent
Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle
Napoleon Dynamite
Shaun of the Dead
I, Robot

Good
Garden State
Garage Days
Collateral

Neutral
Ray
Cellular

Poor
Farenheit 9/11
Van Wilder

Really Weird
Six Ways to Sunday

Death of a Salesman

It is jake. Me and sean went to view some apartments today. I must say we got some good material from this little outing. It all started off right...we were met by a nice casually dressed guy with a sweet canada hat on. He showed us some of the stupidest fucking closet appartments ever and wanted a pantlowd for them. We regretfully declined the houses. Then we sat on their porch set up and offered us a free brat and coke. We ate'm its wisconsin its pretty much local custom to offer brats to company. Then while we were eating the salesmen switched and we got a tweaked out greased up class-act with alligator skin boat shoes. He also had a reddened tan face sweet ray-bans and a standard boat-deck attire. He was so jazzed up it was like he took an anal bump of coke before he came to see us. We talked chicago cubs a bit and he inserted many cool phrases like right on and sweet and cool. I believe he was attempting to stoop to our level, but in doing so he turned into the ultimate douche bag. It was like he belonged in Boca Ratone. The company also made the fatal flaw of letting us know that they purchased pre-cooked brats...as if we couldn't tell. Only amies do that kind of bullshit.

MPC

In case you guys were worried, I have officially reclaimed the title of Most Pathetic Cousin. I'm not sure if I ever lost it, but its mine now, I own it. So if anyone would like to challenge me for the MPC title be my guest.

movie of the week

imagine.
imagine a cross between shaft and bruce lee. imagine a final match between bruce leroy and sho 'nuff, the showgun of harlem, and the showguns cast of themed goons. also featuring william h macy(i think) and the acting debut of chaz palminteri. imagine it's produced by berry gordy and is 80stastic. awwwwwwthentic.

"who's got the funk" you may ask? maceo's got the funk. maceo parker gets music of the week.

oh, i'm sorry, "who's got the crazy good primitive style", is what you asked? why Ali Farka Toure has it. (seriously)

phat phree submission

Ever since I read the striped shirt article, i've been thinking, now this is an organization that i'd like to get down with.

I wrote this piece tonight. Any thoughts?

“Call Me Crazy, But I just Love Killing Animals”

While driving over a pigeon the other day, I came to an interesting conclusion. I should kill more animals. Everyone should. Fuck animals.

Sure, I’ve derived a few moments of pleasure from our non-human counterparts. A dog lapping peanut-butter off of a passed-out roommate’s ass is one of those visual masterpieces that never gets old. Cows tastes good. Even pigeons are good for a photo opportunity if you’re ever blessed with the good fortune to see some hot pigeon on pigeon spring break action.

I can already hear the ASCPA knocking at my door. “Mr. Smith,” the young, long-haired earth-saver would say, we all feel it would be best if you stopped murdering animals. Animals are as important as you or me, and they should not be killed because you find humor in the suffering of other species.” A valid point I would reply, then I would bow and let a pigeon head fall out the breast pocket of my white collared shirt. “I believe you dropped something,” I would say. Then I’d close the door and lock it.

I don’t expect her to understand. She’s never killed a sea-cow. I, on the other hand, have killed several sea-cows. The first one is always the most special. I was wading around waste-deep in the Florida keys when I felt a massive leather-bag of lard bump into my leg. The surprise of it altered the trajectory of my Frisbee® and I kicked the fucker, yelling, “I’m not a propeller you aquatic bovine son of a bitch!” It responded by slowly floating up to the surface on its back. After a moment of confusion I was doubled over laughing my ass off. I mean my leg couldn’t have been traveling over 5 miles per hour. This thing must weigh more than I do, there’s no way one blow to the side could have taken it down. But there it was, bloated and floating in the afternoon sun for me and my friends to laugh and throw frisbys at. We played with that fat-fucker for three hours. We even dragged it to shore and did WWF moves on it. My friend Carl threw out his back trying to give the dead-bastard a Suplex. I was hooked.

A few days later we realized we should have eaten the thing. We knew it must be a delicious blend of steak-and sea-food. A delectable Surf and Turf in one weak-willed creature. So we returned to the beach, armed with a cooler full of Pabst and a Machete we bought from a kind Mexican fellow. It took almost 4 hours, but we found one. Now I’m not one to brag, but I was like a ninja compared to that slow, dumb, waste of sea-lard pussy. I’d been hovering around the Machete most of the time, so when Dave gave the signal I was the first one to it. I swear, less than ten seconds later I was bellowing out a triumphant Tarzan scream just like I imagined. The taste of that fucker was almost as bad as his reflexes, but seriously, my diving, two handed stab was pretty awesome.

It was a good 9 months after that before I got close enough to the ocean to get another one. But that time I got my hands on a power-boat and tallied at least three. It wasn’t as fun in a boat though. I prefer a more-hands on approach.

Some of you out there are probably thinking, “Wow, Rob, you’re a fucking sadist.” That’s just not true. I don’t like killing most animals. I don’t even like hunting. Killing a deer with a rifle is nothing like killing a manatee with a machete. I tried to explain this to my flannel-clad uncle, but I don’t think he really got it.

I thought it was just sea-cows, and after the let-down from the power-boat assault, I figured I had past that phase in my life. But that pigeon woke up something inside me. I didn’t even really do it on purpose, he landed in front of my car and after a instinctual swerve toward it, I was smiling into my rear-view mirror. That night Carl and I came up with a list of animals that would be fun to take down.

Sea-cows: tried and true, like the fat-kid in dodge ball.
Giraffes: That neck ain’t gonna protect you now, fucker.
Carp: Like a smaller sea-cow. note: obtain water-proof firecrackers.
Monkey: but only if you don’t get a weapon and you fight him in a WWF ring.
Cat: specifically Carl’s cat.
Goat: bare-knuckle cage match.


OTHER animal ideas
Bald-Eagle: Not so noble with my foot up your ass. note: Carl says they’re too rare and symbolic, but I think the American Animal should be crude and over-populated, like a pigeon.

(perhaps a funnier angle might be someone trying to quit…there’s last sea-cows and there’s LAST Sea-cows…which was this to be.)







In other news, Michael Vick has a civil suit filed against him by a woman to whom he gave Herpes. He used the alias Ron Mexico. My comment, besides the brilliance of the alias, is that perhaps Michael Vick is the alias, perhaps a herpes touting Ron Mexico is the real person, and Michael Vick is just football playing alter-ego he came up with to avoid battery and negligence law-suits. He obviously needs a new lawyer, because this was never even brought up. read the 17 page legal account Here

new orleans jazz festival

So yeah, I finally got my piles of mental shit together into one pile, and booked my flight to new orleans. I'm there april 29 to may 3. the line-up, which can be seen at www.nojazzfest.com is incredible. Some highlights: BB King, Jack johnson, Slightly Stoopid, Better than ezra, Widespread Panic, Issac hayes, Galactic, Elvis Costello, dirty dozen brass band, toots and the maytals, ike turner, anthony hamilton(?), trey anastasio, the neville brothers, karl denson's tiny universe, michael franti and spearhead, etc.....plus hundreds of random acts i've never heard of, mostly funk, with funny names like Dumpstaphunk, Jambalaya Cajun band, or Papa Grows Funk.

So if anyone wants to join me, it shall be on, otherwise if you want to check out the line-up and point out a few recommendations, well that'd just dandy.

On a related note, this coming weekend shall be the funkiest of my life. Friday Karl Denson, Saturday Galactic featuring maceo Parker. Am I funky enough to survive? only time will tell. if not, i love you all and someone take care of my turtles. they're moderately funky, btu not funky enoguh to accompany me to the shows.

on an unrelated note, i havent showered in several days, due to time constraints.

To Hio San

Rob I have a huge favor to ask of you. I recently washed my artificial ID and the corner broke off of it rendering it pretty much useless. You can probably see what I'm getting at. I was wondering if you had an extra Id card or something that I could use/borrow/steal. If not I understand, or if you feel in any way unstable about the situation I won't be offended at all. I can probably find another way to get one if need be. I figured you or adam would be the best chances and since you are a feew years his junior im stuck aksin you. I can probably mail you a care package full of lavish treats and anecdotes in return......anyho. thanks hio

Here's to our fallen Dawg: The Pope

The pope is dead. Face it the armagedon has begun. On another note it is absolutely goddam gorgeous in Madison Wisconsin. Im having my morning joe on my goddam porch. I spring cleand the shit out of my appartment yesterday. Sounds grand...but what are you going to do today mister? I am going to fornicate with a boulder Ive been eyeing on Observatory hill. Then decide if I am going to take sumemr school or not. I have a temporary plan for this summer if I don't go to school. Wanna hear it? I am going to hike from my house here in madison to the muddy waters of the mississippi. Then commandeer a boat and float down its black water to the dirty southern delta. then party. then make my way out west to Aspen...California were the beer flows like wine. I am going to get set up with a job...somehow and live on independence pass for a while. I want to fit in fishing mexico and canida somehow as well. I love you