The Stuggles Report

7-29-06

2 days ago a crazed brooklyn man tried to start a fight with me because my dog had lifted his leg on a church. When he told me that it was very disrespectful for my dog to do so I replied "Well god made dogs too." While this seemed perfectly logical to me, it only managed to exacerbate the situation.

The shifty character who was accompanied by an equally irked female lifeform replied that I should "curb my dog." I still don't understand what that means and I said, "I don't know what that means." The irked female lifeform proceeded to grumble some more nonsensical jibberish and I lost interest in the conversation.

As I walked away from the situation I turned my back to the couple and gave them a spirited thumbs up. To my surprise the confrontation turned even more sour as the surly male lifeform proceeded to chase after me while cursing for what he perceived to be an extension of my middle finger.

Well, this simply was not true and I managed to calmly explain that I had given him a thumbs up. To which he said, "You BETTER have given me the thumbs up!" Baffled, I remarked "Hey guy I just said I gave you the thumbs up, jesus!"


In other news, I am very upset with my mailman. This may just be a hazard of the job or maybe its part of the job description, but he is just way too ambivalent.

The world of fashion:
Sleeveless shirts are very popular in New York right now. I was recently at a Cubs game when they played the Mets at Shea Stadium . After the game ended and the Cubs had won, a male lifeform in sleeveless attire began taunting me because his beloved Mets were still in first place despite the loss to my Cubs, who, he duely noted were in last place. He ended with a generous "The Cubs suck!" I simply replied, "You sir are right on all accounts, but my shirt has sleeves and yours doesn't."

Also in the world of fashion, after sustaining a sandal blowout at the previously mentioned Cubs/Mets game, it became necessary to replenish my flip-flop supply. I am now the proud owner of a pair of Reef flip-flops that are equipped with not one, but two bottle openers.
Kick ass!

The world of science:
I have become very interested in the field of string theory. Thats all I have to say about that.

The world of travel:
I will be traveling the world again for my quarterly trip to Colorado in September. Dates are forthcoming but they will be in the realm of Labor Day weekend and beyond. Plan accordingly.

The world of music:
The following is this the lineup for Jazz Aspen: Friday, September 1LeAnn Rimes 8pmSusan Tedeschi 6pm
Saturday, September 2Kanye West 6:30pmRobert Randolph & the Family Band 4:15pmRaul Midon 2pm
Sunday, September 3John Mellencamp 6:30pmLos Lonely Boys 4:15pmDel Castillo 2pm
Monday, September 4Matisyahu 6:30pmKeller Williams 4:15pmPolyphonic Spree 2pm

All can say are two things:
1) What the fuck?
2)Where exactly is the jazz in this fest?

The world of random:
Orange is the new yellow.
Scotch is the new whiskey(for me anyway).
Two poops a day is the new one.

The Cobb sandwhich at a restaurant I can't remember is the best I've ever had.

I just learned there is such a thing as a 4,000 ton banana boat.

Fun With Army Surplus

airline fare tracking

so a few companies have made some progress in data mining the discount airfare websites. things like lowest prices per month, graphs, and advice on whether or not particular fares are likely to go up or down. good stuff.

here's the article about it:

http://online.wsj.com/public/article/SB115256282567002617-RqSoaTQneeu4TSNN2NybQ0IUPK4_20060810.html?mod=tff_article

This should do it:

Family Phallus, Genus Dessertus



The Cutest Little Carpet Licker Ever

BM Trading

Introducing the two masterminds behind the soon to be enormously sucessful
BM Trading: Bryan "Catbean" Cournoyer and Matt "Surly" Williams. A cartoon toilet will be our logo and our motto* is: "We can do a load for you!" Watch out world.


*thanks to Ann Smith for the creative motto

"I don't wanna be a cowboy"

Sign of good things to come?

Is it a good sign when your cat scrapes his ass across the carpet in a spiral pattern to get a chunk of poo out? (He's a Libra, if it matters)

A wee tinkle

Where do Bees go to the bathroom?




At the BP station.

Wee is my new favorite word.....that and the word wicked.

Baby Names

So, you may have heard, but Dee and I are officially having a boy.


We need NAME IDEAS from you folks. Give 'em.

H-Dog

Keep Your Fucking Shit Off My Desk
By Herbert Kornfeld
Accounts Receivable Supervisor

November 4, 1997 | Issue 32•14

Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, bruthahs 'n' sistahs. H-Dog here, His Stone Cold Baadness, The Original Gangsta, The Mack Daddy, The Freaky Gangbanga. And I got somethin' to say to all y'all bitches out there: Keep yo' motherfuckin' shit offa my desk, or I'll fuck your sorry ass up wit' a quickness. And I don't want to see y'all comin' around, puttin' your feet on it, neither. Or puttin' your goddamn coffee cups on it and leaving them fucked-up rings all upside the wood and shit.

'Cause I keep my fly shit on my desk. I gots my dope spreadsheets, my hangin' file folders, my delinquent-account file, my paper clips, my Post-It note dispenser, my monthly desk planner, my Midstate Office Supply business cards, my four-color ball-point pen, my motherfuckin' dot-matrix printer address labels, and my stoopid-fresh three-hole punch. Not to mention my computer. I swear, if I see any of y'all within three feet of my computer, I'll put a Lee Van Cleef on your bitch ass. I'll come at you like a mother fuck.

I'm just trying to keep it real, know what I'm sayin'? I wanna stop the violence before it starts. I could say nothin' and wait in the shadows like some motherfuckin' ninja, and when some punk-ass temp worker come along and start readin' my "Attitude Is A Little Thing That Makes A Big Difference" Successories mouse pad, I could jump out and knock the sucka's teeth the fuck out. 'Cause that would be my right. A man's gotta protect what's his, right?

Take what happened just last week. Judy Metzger, this li'l skank-ass ho from Accounts Payable, be runnin' her ass around the office, puttin' cupcakes wit' the goddamn smiley faces and shit on people's desks. I'm like, "Whus this smiley-face shit y'all be puttin' on my desk?" And she's like, "I made cupcakes for everyone in the office last night!"

Now, I don't take shit from nobody, and I sure as hell don't take no shit from some bitch from Accounts Payable, so I picks up my letter opener and do some crazy kung-fu shit on her. "Flag yo' ass outta here, bitch, and keep yo' fuckin' cupcake shit offa my fly desk."

She go runnin' out of the room and go gets her supervisor, Myron Schabe, from across the hall. Like I'm supposed to be scared of that. Myron older than shit and he wear bow ties like he Pee Wee Muthafuckin' Herman or somethin'. So then he come up to my cubicle and say, "Herbert, I think there's been a misunderstanding. It was Judy's turn this week to bring in a treat." I tell him I don't like no bitches from Accounts Payable puttin' no shit on my desk. But this Myron fool keep pushin' it, tellin' me: "It was meant as a nicety, Herbert, nothing else. It's Co-Worker Appreciation Month, and everybody's scheduled to bring in a treat. You yourself are signed up for next Wednesday."

So you know what I tell him? I says, "I ain't gonna be bringing in no motherfuckin' treat, motherfucker. Treats is for old ladies in the nursing home and shit. And ain't nobody gonna be layin' they smiley-face bullshit on my dope fly desk. I gots everything where I want it, and ain't no little ho gonna be fuckin' it all up. So take yo' bitch-ass, bow-tie self and get the fuck out of my cubicle before I cut you, beee-yaatch!"

After that, Myron walk out of there wit' his li'l dick between his legs. Ain't no Accounts Payable supervisor motherfucka gonna tell Herbert Kornfeld what to do. And no one else, for that matter. You put shit on my desk, you just signed your death warrant. I mean it. Heads will get flown.

H-Dog out. And to all my homies in Accountz Reeceevable and the bruthahs kickin' it down in Shipping, keep ya heads up. Peace.

(editor's note: this is from the onion. There's lots of Herbert articles out there, all of them i find very funny, but I think they closed the archives so they aint be so easy to run up on. they're doing a best of every year thing this week)

chicago

well that picture of a muscle man humping a watermelon killed that blog like only a picture of a muscle man humping a watermelon can. and it was up less than 24 hours.

I'm coming to chicago soon. I'll be there from wednesday July 19th to probably sunday the 23rd. Hope to see any of you that are around. What are your phone numbers?

where's jake

this photo has been removed for the good of the blog