Cousins, meet Grace.

Grace, meet the cousins.

I'm not normally one for YouTube links, but this is just too good.

The following transcript was recorded prior to this event.

"Quick, someone help! These dolphins are choking on chunks of plastic!"
"I have medical instruments that might help".
"No way, those are too short."
"Hey, I know! We'll get the world's tallest man to reach his world's tallest arms down the dolphins throats and extract the plastic!"
"It's sure to work!"
"It can't fail!"

Console Gamers are not Hardcore Gamers

As I’m reading the latest issue of Electronic Gaming Monthly talking about Gears of War, I saw the words “hardcore gamers” in a sentence. I scoffed at the notion of console gamers as hardcore gamers. There’s nothing hardcore about console games and the gamers that play them, with maybe a very slight exception to fighting games, but I’ll get to that.
You see, there’s a reason there’s a very, very forgiving damage model in most action-packed console games. It’s the limited control scheme that a gamepad gives you. The gamepad are great for platformers like Super Mario 64 and Ratchet & Clank.
Here’s a case in point: My sister’s boyfriend has been playing Call of Duty 2 for months on his Xbox 360 and has beaten it three times. I watched as he took direct hits of 2 grenades and an ungodly amount of bullets, yet he still trekked on, oblivious to all the damage done to his on-screen persona. I was amazed, becaused Call of Duty 2 on my computer was a lot less forgiving (not to mention I play on the hardest difficulty.)

Fast forward it 3 weeks later, as he watched me play Call of Duty 2 on my computer. One direct hit from a grenade sent me to the Load Game screen. He commented that he never died that easily, and then it dawned on him why. Forgiving damage modelling for these games to accomodate the limitations of the gamepad and slow response time for these kind of action games. In fact, it is utterly boring watching anyone play Call of Duty 2 on the console when it is much more fast-paced and visceral on the computer.
Now some fanboys will claim that there are tournaments for console games, but the reason is simple: to make money. There’s no talent or skills involved, it’s just to showcase the games and allow console gamers to compete against each other.
When Quake 3 came out for the Dreamcast, PC gamers and console gamers for the first time to my recollection, could compete against each other. Suffice to say, even the sorriest Quake 3 player on the computer was heads-and-shoulders above those playing the Dreamcast version. Ping wasn’t a factor, either. This isn’t the console gamers’ fault, but as I mentioned above, a severe limitation of the gamepad, plain and simple.
Racing games on the console don’t count, they are just giant memory tests, where you memorize a linear racetrack to beat competitors, with a little twitch hand-eye coordination thrown in (drafting, avoiding collisions, etc.) Fighting games are the only type of games that can be considered hardcore, but not many allow you to go online and compete on any considerable level.
On the other hand, there are numerous tournaments for PC games. There’s the big ones, like Counter Strike (original and Source), Quake 3 and Quake 4, the Battlefield series, and a multitude of RTS games. The mouse and keyboard control scheme allows for a much more fluid and responsive control than gamepads, and is the reason why online and offline tournaments on the computer are lightning fast and insanely competitive.
So as you can see, scoffing at the notion of console gamers as being hardcore has me wondering just what the editors at Electronic Gaming Monthly (and any other console gamers) are smoking when they view themselves as hardcore gamers. Because as it is these days, it’s just not possible.

Vientienne Palace

I just got back from a delightful little dinner with my broseph sean. It was at Vientienne Palace (picture a trailer that crashed into a gas station). There are a few good things about Vientienne Palace and they are as follows: If you want to have to run home puckering your asshole shut then this is the place for you; If you want to affirm the stereotype of fourty-something vietnamese women being the most frightening she-devils alive, this is the place for you.

The second issue of late is my feud with the chestbumping, cromagnon, bi-curious, boys above me. They are constantly peeing onto my porch from their higher balcony, and refusing to respond to my booming awesomeness when I yell "Hey Dickhead stop pissing on my porch!" I even tried adressing him with "That's cute Abercrombie boy" to which he pauses and shyly returns "its a free country." If nothing else I am honing my ability to be assertive. I know what your thinking, and yes I have read Tsun Tsu's The Art of War, and yes I understand that he who has the higher ground wins the battle. However, what if I am able to go above him? Did you ever think of that you bastard!

Finally, I would like you to take a look at this tourism video hosted by the Governator comedic genius. http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-6273516331625693260&q=arnold+brazil&hl=en

Phone Trace Technology

Dudes, check out this phone trace feature www.phonetrace.org . I can't belive that this is possible! Just type in your cell phone number and get ready to be amazed.

Mr. Paul Grant Harper

Here is a letter that was faxed to the front desk of the Best Western in Madison where Giovanna works it reades as follows:

"Dear Corporate President,
Your hotel security could use a little updating, not to mention, admitting the greedy, treasonous embezzlers, into your establishment, who did nothing but take pot shots at my life expectancy. I am a recording artist, with a diploma from the Audio Institute of America. On the front of my appartment window I have a National Trooper and Police sticker. On the back window of my apartment I have a County Police Association sticker. Then there are those who want "dibs", on all of the opportunities in my life, because they are too lazy and greedy to create their own opportunities. Take no shit from anyone on this matter. Its pretty bad when the Best Western staff has to write me a letter, which is un-opened, to prove that I called my Represenative in Peshtigo.
Sincerely Pissed Off,
Paul Grant Harper"

There was no letter written by the Best Western staff to a Mr. Paul Grant Harper

The Many Faces of Adam

Personally I think its an improvement.

Wait a minute, that Jake skiing shot was doctored! Good thing I have a copy of the original: