Burt Reynolds' unparalleled machismo

if I was burt, I wouldn't have acted any differently

http://cbsnewyork.com/topstories/local_story_145094335.html

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2005/05/25/earlyshow/leisure/celebspot/main697613.shtml

he loves his work

I am inter-less

I don't have access to an internet...well I do but I have to walk to it. so my submisions to this forum will be few and far between. I have left a life on the road for the more mundane "workman's lifestyle." I don't have a job yet, however, and am so board and tired. sweat drips down my back and slides down alas beyond my dirt cave

apricots

have you ever had an apricot?

my god, they are fucking delicious

maybe it's that i was hungry and lucid, but good lord, that thing was tasty

i'm eating a chimichanga right now, and i'm a little dismayed to say i liked teh apricot better. although the chimi was made by little juan and cost well under one (1) dollar.

hooo boy

okay, pull yourself together, stop talking about the apricot

so i didn't get dream job. let us never speak of it again.

the snowmass chilli and brew festival is not to be missed. for $25 dollars i was treated to 3 hours of speedy microbrew sampling, all the free chilli i could eat from tons of vendors and a spearhead concert. And I have now officially declared myself a member of the polar bear club. I fetched a frisby out of a water treatment pond half way up snowmass, but that's not all. i also jumped in the punch bowl (awesomefun) but there's more. somewhere above tree line on independence pass we saw a snowy hill/peak and decided it was sledding time. we equpped with 2 frisbys, a laundry basket and a cooler lid and started heading toward it through about 6 inch deep snow, all in shorts, one in sandals. after a few minutes, it was getting a bit cold on the feets, and some started talking abotu heading back. i responded by making a mad sprint at the hill. as i approached i realized that the snow i was breaking with each step was covering about a foot of water. cold cold water. i ran out until i lost a show, freaked out, took my other shoe and both socks off and stood in my laundry basket massaging my feet and feeling doomed. i was then inspired by being passed by the sandal clad crew member, poured the water out my shows and headed up. sledding didnt work, the sleds just sunk in. the hike back was horrible. unlike apricots, which are delicious. panic in 4 days.

IQ Test

I've created an IQ test that will examine you as human being. Using an in depth formula I can calculate your place in society. As a great philosopher once said, "Standardized tests are the only reliable format that can tell you who you are." Please answer truthfully, as I stated before in a previous sentence on an unrelated posting, this is very scientific. The questions will differ in intensity and depth so take your time answering. Thank you for your time and good luck, I will post the results after the tests are in. Special thanks to Lizard for her contributions.

1. How would you describe your facial hair?
a)Post-bender stubble
b)Grizzly Adams
c)Smooth as Paris Hillton's beaver
d)Magnum PI

2.What is your favorite color?
a)Teal
b)Mist
c)Aqua
d)Cobalt

3.Four trains are travelling to New York, which will arrive first? The one from...
a)Mystic, CT
b)No Name, CO
c)Tuscaloosa, AL
d)Dooganville, PA

4. There's a spider at your front door, a snake at the window, and a scorpion on the phone. Do you-
a)None of the below
b)Answer the call because scorpions can't sting over the phone
c)Eat the spider because its a hallucinogenic Peruvian Tarantula
d)Wait for the snake to eat the trippy spider

5.What article of clothing are you more likely to wear
a)Capri pants
b)Tank top
c)Dickie
d)Ascot

6.How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop?
a)Who cares?
b)Give me back my sucker you fucking owl
c)2,345
d)2,346

7.If you were stranded on a deserted island what thing could you not live without.
a)Hot fudge to compliment all the desert
b)Sweet, sweet titties
c)The Lifetime Channel
d)Capri pants

8.You are riding the subway and an attractive person is standing next to you with a nipple popping out, do you.....
a)Put on your sunglasses so you can stare without getting caught
b)Try to hide your boner
c)Politely call it to his attention
d)Tap the guy next to you so he can see too

9. How would you describe your favortite sexual experience
a)Rootie tootie fresh and fruity
b)Moons over my hammie
c)Table for one please
d)Eggs benedict with a side of sausage

10. Which song would best describe your personality
a)Its Raining Men
b)Purple Rain
c)Rain drops keep falling on my head
d)Blame it on the rain

Guess who? 

ashtray eyes

My eyes burn so good. Like steel wool on a rotary tool in my arse. I threw out my hip while I was trying to sleep. Aye aye aye!

I miss Bumperdank Wangstoner
this is the site of the cuzzins: cournoyer
ricky martin is caliente
but enrique is not so suave mente

I Cunt Sleep

I sure can't sleep right now. Spicy-Maggie-Sandwich fed me some sort of insane crazy (redundant) coffee and rum drink at midnight and I'm wired out of my gourd. I'm still wired and its like 3 hours later. I am drinking raspberry lemonade...pronounced Lemonaad. SHut up richard
I see a tree
With boughs 'n' leaves of three
I see a chimney
'N' I put too many pills in me
I see a flower
Haven't yet had today's shower
But now its time to flee
With my chain, lock, 'n' key!

I make a mean meatball calzone. 

Coming soon..............

Guess The Cousin Part II

Frustrated!!

I have been trying to write some songs lately--trying to put together my guitar playing with maybe some brief song writing I have done. Whoa is me! Its hard as a fuckin' 'ell. Its like trying to rub your stomach and tap your head for hours at a time without ever even puting anything together even close to resembling the task. I want to jump out of my skin...its itchy. I spent like 4 days at the cottage doing nothing but playing all day and still, nothing. errrrrrreghhghggggggg. Id almost rather live in New York...wait, no still not even close. I'm sure you've had similar frustrations: having a vague idea of a very specific piece(writing, work, playing instruments) yet making no progress towards it. Maybe i'll take a break from it for a day or so. Yeah! that's it. That's going to work. Thanks for the help.

My answers

-1-
“If Your Car Is Old Enough, Driving Is An Adventure Too”

”Alright. Stay calm …stop the car…we can handle this. Okay. We’re going to need some flashlights...where did we pack those….ah yes, they, along with everything else, were in the trunk attached to the roof, which just moments ago was splattered across the highway by an 18-wheeler. Relax…look, there’s the beer. Mmmm.”

Those were basically my thoughts at 1:54 this morning.

The crew had been awoken by the jarring sound of our rear axle breaking free of the 1977 Station Wagon and my screams of confused profanity. We were faced with the immediate task of foraging the 2AM highway for the vast majority of our gear.

Shoes, rope, clothes, Pabsts, everything; smashed and strewn across the highway. We’re all guessing that Dave, who takes great pride in the quality of our equipment, will be having nightmares about our little ground zero for weeks.

We armed ourselves with beers and our 2 remaining headlamps and went foraging.
I caught one funny disapproving glance from a driver who apparently thought I was so trashed that I believed I was spelunking the ditch next to the highway.

We found everything but a few Pabsts and a shoe, and despite our belief in the “never leave a man behind” mantra, turned our attention to the injured Wagon.

After a few minutes of head-scratching and cursing we concluded that the best solution would be to proceed with our plan of donning bandanas and “hijacking” the Toltec Train in Alamosa, and assume that some car-fairies would fix the wagon while we were away being bandits. So we raised our thumbs and were quickly picked up by a truck-load of errant Eskimos speeding towards the border. But that’s a different story altogether.











-2-
Yes, I grudgingly admit a cell-phone in the backcountry is a good idea. In my experience, Sprint does well with Rocky Mountain reception.

I’d love to say no, because fuck cell-phones. We’re out here for adventure and escape and the cell-phone violates both of these.

But yeah, there’s just too many things that can happen that would require a 9-1-1 call. Especially considering that a fearless-pursuit-of-adventure mentality is multiplied when surrounded by people with a similar approach.

Plus, 9-1-1 operators are now mandated by the FCC to be able to trace all wireless calls.

Climbing with a rope does take away a bit of the danger-thrill, but you do it anyway. There are lives at stake.

Anyway, that damn writer is going to need regular internet access to post his manic writings to the forum, so it’s not like we’re really cutting the strings to society.

However, I would not, under even the most extreme circumstances, condone the use of one of those little head-sets. Or, for that matter, the text-message.

























-3-
If you’ve lost your ability to laugh at poop-jokes, you’re taking life too seriously.

Despite my unwavering fondness for this type of humor, as a passenger in this putrid station wagon of doom, I’d see it as more of a problem than a joke. We’d have to pull-over, the seat would likely be stained, and there’s a possibility of vomitus. That’s at least a ten minute delay.

But it is funny. Especially if they were someone else’s shorts. Or if we went back to the store where they were purchased and attempted to return them unwashed.

In the name of Gonzo Journalism it seems only fair to cover it in depth, take pictures, refuse him my extra pants, and blast it all over the internet with his name and address attached. Especially if it was me. If it occurred to someone more concerned with obtaining an upstanding, feces-free reputation, I could write the post with an anonymous assailant. The community would then be asked to guess which team member committed the foul deed.

Here’s the beginning of my article:

“The Funkiest Thing to Happen to Shorts Since James Brown Recorded “Hot Pants”

Combine 1 part questionable Mexican Food, 8 parts Pabst Blue Ribbon, marinate for 7 hours, add 2 parts Cowboy Coffee, shake vigorously. Whatever it is you’re left with, we were all struggling to contain it this morning.

It was a battle, like trying to keep a greased pig away from a pile of Big Macs. One crew member, who prefers to remain anonymous for some reason, got outmaneuvered and combusted into his Patagonia Rhythm shorts. At first I thought, we’re going to be okay here, Patagonia’s website guarantees that the crotch of the shorts “is gusseted for multidirectional use.” But I was quickly hit with the smell of…

Writing Advice

So I've got a huge writing assignment that needs to be completed by wednesday. I'd appreciate any advice, thoughts, etc. I'll post what I send to them on wednesday.

So I found my dream job on craigs list. Actually it's probably several of our dream jobs.
Here's the posting for the job: http://denver.craigslist.org/wri/74281655.html

I submitted my resume and writing sample, and am 1 of 15 finalists. I need to answer these 3 questions in 300 words or less, by weds at noon.


1. It is dark. You're 60 miles outside of Alamosa, Colorado. You're
traveling in a 1977 Dodge Royal Monaco Brougham station wagon (no,
really you are). The axle falls off (no, really, it might), throwing
your roof rack full of gear into the path of an oncoming semi (that
doesn't stop), your crew mates are passed out. What the hell just
happened?

2. Cell phone in the backcountry or not? Why?

3. Can you tell us what you would find valuable (from a journal entry
point of view) from this scenario, and what you could bring to the
fouram.pro website the following day:

After a long, hard, night of roadside Mexican food and Pabst Blue

Ribbon, the group is making their way to a local trailhead for a hike. Some of the members are getting a harsh reaction to the Cowboy coffee
that was served campside that morning. Unfortunately, one of the members gets an instantaneous blow out that soils a brand new pair of Patagonia Rhythm shorts. We're talking major catastrophic loss of control here.

First of all.is this funny? Or, is this something that we need to keep on the down low?

Write how you would treat this event, or not?




pretty cool questions, eh? I'm having some fun with them already. lemme know whatcha think

mu

Hello, My little hairy friends. Today's task is to meet somebody new. I met a huge fat cigar shop owner. He was funny. I will see him again for a smoke and coffee in his little shitty cigar shop. I played butt-hunter and it is a funny game. I am going to go to the cottage tonight and maybe go on a canoe trip this weekend. I am going to go to Colorado sometime around the 20th and stay for a week or so, so look for me to be stopping in a Colorado city near you. I am having chicken patties for lunch.....dos. I just started to record some guitar stuff onto a handheld tape recorder so I can remember what I have played. I smoked a cigar and had a grande cup of coffee, I am pretty zoned right now, and I am going to take a grande corn relish shite in the toilet. I saw a M.I.L.F at the farmers market. I ran around the lake the other day to relieve stress it was like upwards of 10 miles. I want to work in this old classical book store, I went there today and farted all over the basement of it....note to self: farts in old book stores do not combine to make a good smell. New White Stripes album is coming out soon, I suggest everyone buy it and listen. Jack White is an artist his machismo overflows like the Ganges in monsoon season. Without porn there is not internet. Love, Kaiser Wilhelm II

Butt Hunter

Good times for the whole family.


http://www.killsometime.com/games/game.asp?Game=Butt-Hunter

Guess the cousin