filth out of context

You smell that Haley? That's the smell of me wrapping my penis in desiccates so that all of the jergens lotion that your ex girlfriend applies every night gets sucked out of my cock and it enters your ass as unlubricated as possible. That's the smell of an impending stretching.

Rivalry week has begun, and your ass is prime for a stretching.

You've had a couple of weeks that could be considered respectable, Greg Oden has managed to stave off osteoporosis for another 2 months, and your ridiculed keepers are performing admirably. i'm sure all of this has your asshole puckered with joy and optimism. i intend to destroy that pucker with a nation of islam IFD (improvised fucking device).

i noticed you have added a certied african to your team. do you think that infusion of blackness will make up for the raw stretching ability of my rookies JR smith and Hakim warrick? I thought not. do you have any idea what these men will do to marco belinelli?

my team of stretchers will break through your rectum like TJ Duckett going through lahser high school's defensive line on third and goal, and do a choreographed victory dance in the end zone that is your bloody, tattered ass hole. you will have beef curtain tan lines on the back of your thighs for the rest of your life. marshawn lynch will drive his porsche over the remains of your asshole and not realize he hit anything because there will be nothing left.

next year an astronomer will win the nobel prize for his discovery of a "white hole", which like a black hole is so wide and gaping that it sucks in matter, but unlike a black hole, this white hole seems to discriminate, and only sucks in over sized cocks and over hyped rookie basketball players.

After a week of base jumping in your brown canyon, i will be able to stick a 1 eyed midget clown in there and he will juggle your spleen and intestines. This will be the extent of your stretching.

Kyle's favorite things

1) Oprah's least favorite things
2) Sort of new freebie Radiohead album
3) The cool, if somewhat dated, phrase I just made up: I'm aichin' for Aiken
4) Seeing Stella live on Thursday thanks to Bubb. Was it awesome? Ferggin hell yeah awesome. I was in tears during a bit about David Wain's favorite song to fuck to. Tears of joy. Plus they were taping the show for a DVD, which made me feel special. If you buy the DVD, perhaps you will be able to hear me in the audience - I was the one giggling like a schoolgirl and quietly contemplating farting on the guy in front of me whose head was much too close to my crotch. Should be audible.
5) New headphones that hurt my ears, but oh my, the bass!
6) Having to attend Psychiatry talks in an old-style hospital demonstration room, where they first introduced Ether for anesthesia. Think circular room, sharply angled vertical pews, awful leg room, and awful echo from the sound system that just doesn't work in there - so awful its great.
7) The Christmas willies.

Assorted Bubb

Observation: 2 bunk imitations of The Soup have popped up. one is called the dish, and is hosted by the girl from Boy Meets World. The other is called Sports Soup. If you took The Soup, and mixed in a bunch of jock sweat and testosterone, this is the show you would get. The host looks like McHale, except with a much larger neck and shorter hair. The jokes are dumber, and they have stolen absolutely every aspect of the show, including the guys laughing behind the camera, and the little graphics for the different segments (and even the jokes behind those, Let's Take Some E has become Let's Take A Hit (which shows people getting hit by each other)

Music: I'm liking a ska band called The Slackers a lot. Recently saw shows including Digable Planets (funky hippy rap) and John Browns Body (reggae) both of which were solid. CD of the year is Q-Tip: The Renaissance. What are you all listening to?

Game of the week: Bubble Spinner. Addicting games is worth hours and hours of time.

Phrase of the week: "Gypsy Seats" AKA Standing Room Only Seats. As in "these gypsy seats are great. we can walk in any section with immunity and not leave until we wear out our welcome by trying to steal seats"

Poison of the year: Sizzurp. Sizzurp is a beverage that consists of cough medicine with codeine, vodka, pop, and a jolly rancher. It was popularized by a rap group 3-6 Mafia, one of whose members died from it. I drankk it a few months ago, spent the entire day after vomiting blood (literally, at least a pint), and haven't been right since.

Advice: Avoid sizzurp

Something Old: I've always gained a lot of motivation for living well from the desire to impress some mythical dream girl. for the past few years, this source has been pretty dry because i dont really want girls to fall for me.

Something new: i'm researching whether people infer preference from memory. so if you remember a restaurant experience or a nonprofit cause very well, do you then think that you must have liked it? i'll know in a few days if my tests have worked out and i'm on a good path to a dissertation and a good job, or if i've been wasting the last few hundred work hours and am back to the drawing board. i'll find out in one distinct moment, which is always intense. (i'm 0 for 2 at this point).

Something borrowed: in the book/movie into the wild, they talk about how he had this spirit to explore new places and its unfortunate that he was born after all the places have been mapped and explored. his solution was to just throw out the map.

Something blue: school defines my intellectual life. i dont write or read much at all any more, and dont really have any deep aimless conversations. i say its because my mind is tired from all the school, but the problem is probably deeper than that.

A little Bubb for the Holidays

He juggles, he balances whiskey, he thinks twice about Jeremy's didgeridoo, he kicks some Christmas ass.