on jakey and other rare phenomenae

No internet thus no blog: coming to colorado tomarrow 'till12th: when i return will have internet: thus more gusto and a reason for being: where is cousin camping party: do you rooks realize the shear amount of matter that must be festooned to you in order to mix partying, baggo, camping, tnt,undies, beeer jake

New Years

I know its kind of early, but I wanted to see if there is any interest in a cuzzin New Years Party. I was thinking of maybe renting a hut in Colorado, but that may be too much for everyone. Let the blog know if anyone is interested or has any ideas about where to go.

Cousin Awards

As a full blown cousin olympics has yet to occur, I thought it might suffice to come up with some awards, for the regular season. Add yer own at the bottom.

-BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY: Brian, for the story of the guy who keeps thinking about drinking his water but never does, then he gets decapitated.

-BEST HYPERBOLE: Jake: I'm being licked by the flames of the devil"

-BEST TRACK&FIELD DEBUT: Jeremy

-WORST COUSINBLOGGING: Jeremy

-BEST BOY: Umm...me?

-LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT IN XTREMENESS: Jake

-BEST SUPPORT AT WIDESPREAD CONCERT: Molly

-LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT IN PASTRY-PHONE-SEX: 1-800 Biscuit

-JAKIEST MATT: Adam

-BEST GROOM: Matt

-WETTEST BRIDESMAID: Kate

-BEST ADAPTED NICKNAME: Thai Chi Chi

-BEST PIZZA THROWING: Kyle

-BEST SUPPORTING PIZZA THROWING: Whiskey

-BEST AUSTRALIAN ALMOST COUSIN: Molly

Does anyone else think this CNN article is funny? The photo looks like an ad for a tv show starring Jerry Stiller as a smarmy, frustrated father. Aww, look at him, nothing goes his way, poor guy.

Band of the week

Ozomatli--they are kick ass. I saw them play last night in a park in Brooklyn. It's just unreal how good these guy are, a latin funk/jam band with a social justice and anti-war message. For you guys in Colorado, they are playing 7/23 @ Aspen Highlands and @ Red Rocks on 8/17. They are also playing in Detroit on 7/17, but they use real instruments so Kyle on Dee might not like it(yes I am still upset about your widespread panic comment). Anyway I highly reccomend checking them out.

On a side note--the book Farenheit 451 is a great read if you haven't read it already and to Joe Hio......I'm reading Rosshalde by Hesse right now, its pretty good so far.

Michigan Central Station

Kyle's Urban Adventure:
I infiltrated the Michigan Central Station yesterday, an amazing building that once served as the main train hub when Detroit was thriving, but is now abandoned. Check it out here. The city had recently put up large fences with razor wire around the perimeter to keep people out, but I found a way in. Two words: scary cool. The ground floor is mostly two massive rooms with ornately designed arched ceilings and fancy doorways. Quite an echo too. Think Grand Central Station in NY (which had the same designer), minus people, plus years of decay. After scoping out the main area, I walked up to the roof (19 floors). Best view of Detroit ever. Period. My friend climbed the smokestake on a rickety metal ladder, which scared us both nicely. Otherwise we just explored all of the little rooms, crevices, nooks, discarded pieces of wall and ceiling and glass, rampant cool graffiti, vacant and dangerous elevator shafts, tucked away homeless shelter, etc, on the roof and a few lower floors....the whole thing is just plain amazing.

cowboy poetry

I have some dark poetry to share to you:

Addenda to Uber-Coca
Its not your head child
which appears to be lost
its not your momma child
whos to pay the cost
find your way child
into my gaunted stare
just feed me your palm
and we'll hastily begin there

step lightly towards my smile
lost youthful one
simply closer to my smile
narry need be a-stun
for it is a fiendish smile
dark and well defined
yet, I assure you young babe
your shoes will not lost their shine

Uglier Than Lucy

By a landslide.



It looks like the clown from Twisted Metal.

suck ass jake

I suck ass I still haven't found a job yet and am looking hard. My landlord kicked me out of my apartment so he could refinish the floors, and my knee hurts. I worked at a mexican restaurant for a while but when they told me that i didn't button my pants the right way, and I was not walking up to par with restaurant walking standards and that I'd have to change my gait, I quit. I also worked 23 hours in just over 2 days and only made $100 pesos. so now I am poor, sullen, tired, and suck assy. I went in for an interview with a UW telemarketing donation bullshite and somewhere in the interview told them that the job was monotonous and that the only good thing was that it was indoors. Even Sean got that job. aye! REI is still waiting to call me back for an interview. I am going to apply to Erehwon, the schwinn gt and mongoose world headquarters for internship, starbucks as barista, thatts all for now.

Camping on Basalt Mountain 

The Color Red

Well I'm back from an incredible trip to Colorado. Much thanks to Senor Rob for the use of his pad(my door is always open should you like to visit the apex of hell). I had alot of time for introspection while I was away. These are a few of my thoughts:

-Things do NOT happen for a reason. Reason is completely subjective and therefore holds no sway over causality. This thought actually makes me feel more comfortable.

-I have started to notice the unusual attachments I have to certain innaniment objects. Take my favorite t-shirt for example. I've had it for nearly a decade and have recently decided to only wear it selectively because of its deteriorating condition. How strange. I also realized that I love my dog more than most humans(relatives excluded). I will need to ponder this odd behavioral patterns for a long time.

-I have also decided that my two worst faults are materialism and impatience. I plan to remedy this as quickly as possible, though I believe it may take some time. In the words of Yoda, "You must unlearn what you have learned." Very true little green guy, very true.

-Kill your TV(I plan to shortly)

-Bumper sticker sighting: Keep your Rosaries off my Ovaries -pretty good although I found it odd to see a 80 yr. old woman driving the car(I don't think anyone wants those ovaries)

I have alot more thoughts, but I want to refine them first because I am confused as to whether they are mine or a product of the books I have recently read. I also have some awesome photos to post. Hope all is well with everyone.

Burt Reynolds' unparalleled machismo

if I was burt, I wouldn't have acted any differently

http://cbsnewyork.com/topstories/local_story_145094335.html

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2005/05/25/earlyshow/leisure/celebspot/main697613.shtml

he loves his work

I am inter-less

I don't have access to an internet...well I do but I have to walk to it. so my submisions to this forum will be few and far between. I have left a life on the road for the more mundane "workman's lifestyle." I don't have a job yet, however, and am so board and tired. sweat drips down my back and slides down alas beyond my dirt cave

apricots

have you ever had an apricot?

my god, they are fucking delicious

maybe it's that i was hungry and lucid, but good lord, that thing was tasty

i'm eating a chimichanga right now, and i'm a little dismayed to say i liked teh apricot better. although the chimi was made by little juan and cost well under one (1) dollar.

hooo boy

okay, pull yourself together, stop talking about the apricot

so i didn't get dream job. let us never speak of it again.

the snowmass chilli and brew festival is not to be missed. for $25 dollars i was treated to 3 hours of speedy microbrew sampling, all the free chilli i could eat from tons of vendors and a spearhead concert. And I have now officially declared myself a member of the polar bear club. I fetched a frisby out of a water treatment pond half way up snowmass, but that's not all. i also jumped in the punch bowl (awesomefun) but there's more. somewhere above tree line on independence pass we saw a snowy hill/peak and decided it was sledding time. we equpped with 2 frisbys, a laundry basket and a cooler lid and started heading toward it through about 6 inch deep snow, all in shorts, one in sandals. after a few minutes, it was getting a bit cold on the feets, and some started talking abotu heading back. i responded by making a mad sprint at the hill. as i approached i realized that the snow i was breaking with each step was covering about a foot of water. cold cold water. i ran out until i lost a show, freaked out, took my other shoe and both socks off and stood in my laundry basket massaging my feet and feeling doomed. i was then inspired by being passed by the sandal clad crew member, poured the water out my shows and headed up. sledding didnt work, the sleds just sunk in. the hike back was horrible. unlike apricots, which are delicious. panic in 4 days.

IQ Test

I've created an IQ test that will examine you as human being. Using an in depth formula I can calculate your place in society. As a great philosopher once said, "Standardized tests are the only reliable format that can tell you who you are." Please answer truthfully, as I stated before in a previous sentence on an unrelated posting, this is very scientific. The questions will differ in intensity and depth so take your time answering. Thank you for your time and good luck, I will post the results after the tests are in. Special thanks to Lizard for her contributions.

1. How would you describe your facial hair?
a)Post-bender stubble
b)Grizzly Adams
c)Smooth as Paris Hillton's beaver
d)Magnum PI

2.What is your favorite color?
a)Teal
b)Mist
c)Aqua
d)Cobalt

3.Four trains are travelling to New York, which will arrive first? The one from...
a)Mystic, CT
b)No Name, CO
c)Tuscaloosa, AL
d)Dooganville, PA

4. There's a spider at your front door, a snake at the window, and a scorpion on the phone. Do you-
a)None of the below
b)Answer the call because scorpions can't sting over the phone
c)Eat the spider because its a hallucinogenic Peruvian Tarantula
d)Wait for the snake to eat the trippy spider

5.What article of clothing are you more likely to wear
a)Capri pants
b)Tank top
c)Dickie
d)Ascot

6.How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop?
a)Who cares?
b)Give me back my sucker you fucking owl
c)2,345
d)2,346

7.If you were stranded on a deserted island what thing could you not live without.
a)Hot fudge to compliment all the desert
b)Sweet, sweet titties
c)The Lifetime Channel
d)Capri pants

8.You are riding the subway and an attractive person is standing next to you with a nipple popping out, do you.....
a)Put on your sunglasses so you can stare without getting caught
b)Try to hide your boner
c)Politely call it to his attention
d)Tap the guy next to you so he can see too

9. How would you describe your favortite sexual experience
a)Rootie tootie fresh and fruity
b)Moons over my hammie
c)Table for one please
d)Eggs benedict with a side of sausage

10. Which song would best describe your personality
a)Its Raining Men
b)Purple Rain
c)Rain drops keep falling on my head
d)Blame it on the rain

Guess who? 

ashtray eyes

My eyes burn so good. Like steel wool on a rotary tool in my arse. I threw out my hip while I was trying to sleep. Aye aye aye!

I miss Bumperdank Wangstoner
this is the site of the cuzzins: cournoyer
ricky martin is caliente
but enrique is not so suave mente

I Cunt Sleep

I sure can't sleep right now. Spicy-Maggie-Sandwich fed me some sort of insane crazy (redundant) coffee and rum drink at midnight and I'm wired out of my gourd. I'm still wired and its like 3 hours later. I am drinking raspberry lemonade...pronounced Lemonaad. SHut up richard
I see a tree
With boughs 'n' leaves of three
I see a chimney
'N' I put too many pills in me
I see a flower
Haven't yet had today's shower
But now its time to flee
With my chain, lock, 'n' key!

I make a mean meatball calzone. 

Coming soon..............

Guess The Cousin Part II