Fun With Army Surplus

airline fare tracking

so a few companies have made some progress in data mining the discount airfare websites. things like lowest prices per month, graphs, and advice on whether or not particular fares are likely to go up or down. good stuff.

here's the article about it:

http://online.wsj.com/public/article/SB115256282567002617-RqSoaTQneeu4TSNN2NybQ0IUPK4_20060810.html?mod=tff_article

This should do it:

Family Phallus, Genus Dessertus



The Cutest Little Carpet Licker Ever

BM Trading

Introducing the two masterminds behind the soon to be enormously sucessful
BM Trading: Bryan "Catbean" Cournoyer and Matt "Surly" Williams. A cartoon toilet will be our logo and our motto* is: "We can do a load for you!" Watch out world.


*thanks to Ann Smith for the creative motto

"I don't wanna be a cowboy"

Sign of good things to come?

Is it a good sign when your cat scrapes his ass across the carpet in a spiral pattern to get a chunk of poo out? (He's a Libra, if it matters)

A wee tinkle

Where do Bees go to the bathroom?




At the BP station.

Wee is my new favorite word.....that and the word wicked.

Baby Names

So, you may have heard, but Dee and I are officially having a boy.


We need NAME IDEAS from you folks. Give 'em.

H-Dog

Keep Your Fucking Shit Off My Desk
By Herbert Kornfeld
Accounts Receivable Supervisor

November 4, 1997 | Issue 32•14

Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, bruthahs 'n' sistahs. H-Dog here, His Stone Cold Baadness, The Original Gangsta, The Mack Daddy, The Freaky Gangbanga. And I got somethin' to say to all y'all bitches out there: Keep yo' motherfuckin' shit offa my desk, or I'll fuck your sorry ass up wit' a quickness. And I don't want to see y'all comin' around, puttin' your feet on it, neither. Or puttin' your goddamn coffee cups on it and leaving them fucked-up rings all upside the wood and shit.

'Cause I keep my fly shit on my desk. I gots my dope spreadsheets, my hangin' file folders, my delinquent-account file, my paper clips, my Post-It note dispenser, my monthly desk planner, my Midstate Office Supply business cards, my four-color ball-point pen, my motherfuckin' dot-matrix printer address labels, and my stoopid-fresh three-hole punch. Not to mention my computer. I swear, if I see any of y'all within three feet of my computer, I'll put a Lee Van Cleef on your bitch ass. I'll come at you like a mother fuck.

I'm just trying to keep it real, know what I'm sayin'? I wanna stop the violence before it starts. I could say nothin' and wait in the shadows like some motherfuckin' ninja, and when some punk-ass temp worker come along and start readin' my "Attitude Is A Little Thing That Makes A Big Difference" Successories mouse pad, I could jump out and knock the sucka's teeth the fuck out. 'Cause that would be my right. A man's gotta protect what's his, right?

Take what happened just last week. Judy Metzger, this li'l skank-ass ho from Accounts Payable, be runnin' her ass around the office, puttin' cupcakes wit' the goddamn smiley faces and shit on people's desks. I'm like, "Whus this smiley-face shit y'all be puttin' on my desk?" And she's like, "I made cupcakes for everyone in the office last night!"

Now, I don't take shit from nobody, and I sure as hell don't take no shit from some bitch from Accounts Payable, so I picks up my letter opener and do some crazy kung-fu shit on her. "Flag yo' ass outta here, bitch, and keep yo' fuckin' cupcake shit offa my fly desk."

She go runnin' out of the room and go gets her supervisor, Myron Schabe, from across the hall. Like I'm supposed to be scared of that. Myron older than shit and he wear bow ties like he Pee Wee Muthafuckin' Herman or somethin'. So then he come up to my cubicle and say, "Herbert, I think there's been a misunderstanding. It was Judy's turn this week to bring in a treat." I tell him I don't like no bitches from Accounts Payable puttin' no shit on my desk. But this Myron fool keep pushin' it, tellin' me: "It was meant as a nicety, Herbert, nothing else. It's Co-Worker Appreciation Month, and everybody's scheduled to bring in a treat. You yourself are signed up for next Wednesday."

So you know what I tell him? I says, "I ain't gonna be bringing in no motherfuckin' treat, motherfucker. Treats is for old ladies in the nursing home and shit. And ain't nobody gonna be layin' they smiley-face bullshit on my dope fly desk. I gots everything where I want it, and ain't no little ho gonna be fuckin' it all up. So take yo' bitch-ass, bow-tie self and get the fuck out of my cubicle before I cut you, beee-yaatch!"

After that, Myron walk out of there wit' his li'l dick between his legs. Ain't no Accounts Payable supervisor motherfucka gonna tell Herbert Kornfeld what to do. And no one else, for that matter. You put shit on my desk, you just signed your death warrant. I mean it. Heads will get flown.

H-Dog out. And to all my homies in Accountz Reeceevable and the bruthahs kickin' it down in Shipping, keep ya heads up. Peace.

(editor's note: this is from the onion. There's lots of Herbert articles out there, all of them i find very funny, but I think they closed the archives so they aint be so easy to run up on. they're doing a best of every year thing this week)

chicago

well that picture of a muscle man humping a watermelon killed that blog like only a picture of a muscle man humping a watermelon can. and it was up less than 24 hours.

I'm coming to chicago soon. I'll be there from wednesday July 19th to probably sunday the 23rd. Hope to see any of you that are around. What are your phone numbers?

where's jake

this photo has been removed for the good of the blog

No news is good news

Well well well, its been a long time since I posted on this bastardly forum, and a lot has changed since. The only sound assumption that I can make is that my posting presence , in the past, acted as some sort of contraceptive for the Cournoyer Cuzzies and their spouses. In absence some sort of mutant virility has taken over the Cournoyer seed. I thus post before Molly, Kate, or even worse Grandma begin "showing." 'nuff said.

Otherwise, I was busy, am busy, and will be busy until January, what with intensive physics 5 days a week for 4.5 hours until Augy. Standardized testing, applications, and random scrambling for admission deadlines in the fall for Pharmacy school. I am taking the second most failed class at UW in the fall. I just did a half-ironman, have another one in july, then an ironman in september, and a marathon in october. So no exciting trips or nuthin' planned for a while.

Is Robby still a cousin? or is he out?

Finally, expecting cuzzies take care of your fertile gestating deer-women...and congrats

Where's Kate?

She's here somewhere. Can you find her?

Kyle is the Evil Lord of Jenga

Kyle & Dee Rentals

TOPS
The New World: Kyle loved it; no one else will.
The Good Girl: Classic Aniston. No, really, it's a tasty flick.
The Baxter: From The State players comes this funny romantic jabbadoo.
Good Night, & Good Luck: Worth about 95% of the hype.
Brokeback Mountain: Worth about 85% of the hype.
In America: But not a movie to watch with your pregnant wife.
Batman Begins: Terrific superhero movie. One of the best (but Dee found it boring).

MIDS
Three Extremes: Not all that extreme, but definately creepy.
The Constant Gardner: Decent. Surprisingly little momentum for a "political thriller".
Match Point: Woody Allen. English upper class. Murder. What more can I say.
Flightplan: Pretty damned predictable.
Wolf Creek: Great Aussie horror. Way too much like Texas Chainsaw Massacre to be "TOPS".

LOWS
Fantastic Four: Stopped watching after 20 minutes.
Derailed: Stopped watching after 30 minutes.
The Island: Eh... Ok premise, stupid filmmaking.

Where's Bryan

Can you find Byron in the picture? Yay, fun!

what do you call cheese that isnt yours?





nacho cheese
(sounds like not yo cheese, for you lamens(as in idiot, for you idiots))

a bartender told me this while surprisingly drunk on his birthday. surprisingly drunk because he was working at the time. good stuff all around.

Some thoughts on life

The Nintendo Nes is friggin awesome, almost cooler the second time around.

My top 10 favorite games right now:
1.Techmo Super Bowl
2.RBI Baseball
3.Zelda
4.Contra
5.Super Mario
6.Double Dribble
7.Double Dragon
8.Excitebike
9.Ice Hockey
10.Kung Fu

A bird bit me yesterday, it was the capper on a horrific day that included two separate subway trains breaking down, walking in the rain to work, getting jelly on my favorite shirt, and locking myself out of my apartment again.

My baby has really long arms and legs.
Oddly, I have gained 7 pounds since finding out I'm going to be a father.

Pants that zip off at the knee are the greatest invention ever, I'm thinking of taking it to the next level and making a shirt that zips off at the elbow.

I had a dream last night that all the cousins were at someone's wedding and we all got kicked out for being out-of-hand. Not that much of a stretch.

Michael Berg is my new favorite person:

Michael Berg, a pacifist who is running for Delaware's lone House seat on the Green Party ticket, said al-Zarqawi's death is likely to foster anti-American resentment among al-Qaida members who feel they have nothing left to lose.

Berg said the blame for most deaths in Iraq should be placed on President Bush, who he said is "more of a terrorist than Zarqawi."

"Zarqawi felt my son's breath on his hand as held the knife against his throat. Zarqawi had to look in his eyes when he did it," Berg added, pausing to collect himself. "George Bush sits there glassy-eyed in his office with pieces of paper and condemns people to death. That to me is a real terrorist."

On a lighter note, this is the 300th post on the cuzzin blog!!!! What do I win?

Hey thanks......

Well we were planning on telling everyone personally, but I guess the cats out of the bag. Yes we are having something but we're not going to tell anyone what is until it is born: Is it a smurf, shoe, gorilla, banana, snork??? We're just not going to tell you. If you would like to get us a gift please make sure its not homo sapien specific. Be well my fellow humanoids and pray for a prodgeny in the x-men, bionic man, jesus-type, superhero genre. The due date of the life form in Liz's belly is December 15th so we are going to run an actual delivery date pool for those interested, the winner gets a free stool sample.

mmmm, preggers

It seems we have another cousin baby on the way. I won't tell you whose it is, but will say that the person's name rhymes with "Splat", which also happens to be the baby's name I've been told.

question

anyone know maggie's email address?

My dog kicks ass

Actually he's a sissy but he's damn cool.

Happy belated birfday Moll.

I've been riding my bike to work lately and life is now better. Simple.
Oryx and Crake(margaret atwood)is a very good read.
A few additions to my shitlist: Sam Champion(local weatherman), Burger King Ad execs, Howie Mandel, Fedex, my brother-in-law, pedestrians.

Happy belated birfday Jerr.

Kyle and Dee congrats on your baby's sex, whatever it is?

http://www.maximmag.co.uk/stupidfun/videoclips/4116/wacky_world_of_nature.html

Peño

I forgot that you all might not have seen these yet. The face is on the left, laying horizontally. Kyle's friend Steve looked at it the other way, saw a Jack 'O Lantern face, and thought we were like the biggest Tim Burton fans ever. The baby has earned the nickname "Peño" for making me crave jalapeños all the damn time. Gender is inconsequential, and will be revealed when Kyle and I figure out a tasteless way to do so...

Chewey

Meet the newest member of our family.

NO, it is not a premature Eraserhead fetus creature (though a girl can dream).

It is Chewey, formerly known as Smokey, Nougat, Brody, and Burt.

He is munching on my hand right now, and the baby is thumping to the rhythm of the chew.

God bless.

memorial day

I think that on memorial day, since you fuggers didn't plan a trip with me...I choose...New York. I decided, yes mag we sre goin to new york...matty I will call you soon. love all da cousins -jake

Free Cat

I'm going to be in Colorado June 16-26 to hang out with Kate before she goes to New Zealand.
I don't have any real plans other than seeing Widespread(June 23rd Red Rocks) and Trey(Aspen Jazz Fest June 24/25?). I'm also thinking of making an assault on Sopris for anyone who is interested. Are any of you gonna be around? Rob, Jeremy, Jake, Fetus, Kydeele, Stu?

ps-Rob I have an extra ticket for you if you want it.

quick decision>confusion>crazyness>mistrust?

who is in colorado? i turn 21 on the 21st. lookin for some family fun.

quick story:
i took the puppy for a last michigan walk. she got away, and by the time i finally found her, got her in the car, and left, i was extremely stressed out. came back to an angry mother telling me i smelled like smoke. first reaction, finally admit to smoking cigerettes after 4+ years of hiding it. oh well, it was a matter of time. Her responce; you dont smoke cigerettes. you were smoking weed. unfortunatly i had just smoked my last one so i had no cigerettes to show her. she drills me again later that night about it so i leave to celebrate cinco de mayo. I have no proof except calling people, and shes not budging. is it worth proving to her that i smoke cigerettes? nah. seems strange and unnesecary. on the other hand, its nice to know she cant smell the difference between the two anymore.

result: went to a cunninlynguist show friday and bummed a few smokes. came home smelling like smoke, fearing that mom would be awake assuming i was smoking weed and thus becoming completely unwilling to ever let me borrow a car again. fortunatly she was asleep so i smoked and played sonic till 430.

now that is a story.

Dee's first mother's day gift

When you thought I couldn't get nerdier...

PANIC

yes, panic

at red rocks, june 23-25.

tickets go on sale saturday at 10, I'm assuming eastern time.

Is anyone interested/going to be around?

Matt: what's your method for getting tickets, some program I could acquire that allows me to pimp ticketmaster? I would like to go one day at least.

Dee and Kyle on the Derby

Dee and I got ourselves some Kentucky Derby this weekend. 150,000 fans, 11 races, umpteen horses and umpteen jockeys, bets a-plenty, and enough mint juleps to paint the goddamn mason dixie.

The infield was the largest tailgate party I've ever been to, complete with drunkenness, belligerance, trash and beer, and some lovely sunburns. Dee and I lost money overall, although I won some on my pick of the winner. That's right, I rule. Dee placed a bet on first, second and third place horses, which wound up coming in last, second to last and third to last. She's a sage, only in reverse.

Also, Juleps are pretty tasty.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

back to backpack

alright, time to get serious on the annual cousin backpacking trip planning.

So far we know:
-Jake is available May 8 to Mid June.
-Adam said the later the better, ideally September?
-Jeremy and I are around for the summer, open schedule-wise right now, but that may get complicated, so the sooner we set a date the better.
-When does Kate leave?
-How about Bryyyyan and Matt?
-Anyone else interested?
-I can't do it mid-July.

write your available dates herre (southern pronunciation cuz i'm sweet)

I also want to climb Sopris.

I also want to learn the bagpipes.

A-pro

Anal Prolapse Orgasm. Its a sweet new thing I've stumbled across. Research if you dare!

Warning: may ruin your meal, may also ruin your day, may cause severe depression, may cause arrousal, may cause disgust and engorged genitals, may cause immaculate conception, may be the meaning of life and also the black angel of death, may cause you to cry and mastrobate in the fetal position.

Your actually much better off not looking into it...but I've planted the seed!

For the sake of balance...

Who would you rather have...?

Fluffy Bucket





or Angel Poo?

countdown to fun

i am moving to colorado within the week. i forgot what day we actually leave, but im coming back with rob and the parents. i turn 21 on may 21st, i want to (couzin?) party, i enjoy long walks on the beach, and my ass is quoted as follows: "i looked over and expected a moon, not a jungle."-justin, aka tight-pants-emo-hair-

side note. i want to take our puppy camping. but she still may be too young and rambunctious to let lose in the woods.

side note #2: i enjoy long walks on the beach.

side note #3: Tony's plow has the biggest plow in the state.

Sorry, I just had to

trippin

I just wanted to let you know spring trippers that I have off from May 8-mid june want to plan a trip hike, backpack whatev.

Hee he

CHICAGO -- A judge set bail at $100,000 for a man accused of masturbating in the women's locker room of a downtown health club this weekend.Matthew Williams, 35, of the 1100 block of North State Street was watching several women shower at the Bally Total Fitness, 800 S. Wells St., according to court records.He has been arrested for public indecency several times, Cook County Assistant State's Atty. Lisa Egan said, and has been convicted at least twice, according to court records.A club employee saw Williams at about 1 p.m. Saturday and detained him until police arrived, court records say.

Thinking of you Brain..........

I mean Byron, I mean Catbean, I mean Brawny, shit I'm baked. It doesn't take much for a finger to get stoned.

I submit the following for consideration for Bizzaros Of The Year:

Elias Koteas (aka Casey Jones)
Christopher Meloni (aka that guy from Law and Order SVU)

Y'all Reno 911 fans

Reno movie
I love the fact that Paul Rudd is the druglord. The man is straight up funny.

Don't forget about Kaiser's music request below. The man needs music ASAP (FYI).

Music

I am washed up for music right now so give me your single most favorite band right now. Not of all time...but what is striking your fancy today.

How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop?

"During the 2nd semester of an engineering class at Purdue University,they reported that their 'licking machine,' modeled after a humantongue, took an average of 364 licks to get to the center of aTootsie-Pop. Then they tried to test 20 volunteers and found that ittook the volunteers and average of 252 licks. And then a chemicalengineering doctorate student from the University of Michigan recordedthat his licking machine required an average of 411 licks per TootsiePop. Soon after that, a group of students at Swathmore School usedhuman lickers in a scientific experiment and determined it took anaverage of 144 licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. So thereare the results taken from the only 'official' Tootsie Pop lickingexperiments. The problem we have is the distance of difference thatwas encountered in our studies. But this is the reason for the majordifference in the higher and lower number.......you MUST remember theoverall surface area of everyone's tongue IS NOT the same and thedensity of the papilla(taste buds) IS NOT the same in every person,thus resulting in the difference in the number of licks!"

Vegas Days 3 & 4

I’ll make this one short and sweet.

Day 3: Tour the strip, find beloved “Golden Putti”, take in a ridiculous patriotic light show that I had convinced everyone would be awesome, drink and watch other people gamble.

Day 4: Rent a car, tour the desert, drag self through endless blazing hot desert walk while not of "sound mind", catch the ol’ red-eye, get alternate ride home because car impounded, stress out with Dee about whether or not the desert scorched our fetus.

It didn't, fortunately.

Scorpio

This is my horoscope for today:

If you're invited to a fancy dress ball tonight, dress fancy and go, whether or not you have a partner. (If you don't, chances are you will by the end of the fancy dress ball). Today is a good day for you to get out in public and show yourself. It will remind you, for one thing, just how much stuff you've got. And it will introduce you (and your stuff) to a few new admirers.



Fancy dress ball!?!? What year is this? Where am I? And I'm supposed to go show my stuff in public?

Vegas Day 2

We woke up, took in some theme store window-shopping, and gambled a bit. I was up but Dee was down. Video poker—live the dream. I found a big mother fu$#ing slot machine and swore I’d play it later. It was soooo big. Around this time I began calling Dee a “loose nickel slut” in reference to the nickel slots that peppered the casino floor. She loved it, needless to say. A short while later it was wedding time, and we had some fun dressing up. Dee was “Doll Face”, I was “Tim from accounting”, our hotel mate Steve was “Lime Ricky” (he had a green sportcoat), and Beca was “Tit lips”. Prior to this, we went to a slummy convenient store for our supplies (whisky, eyelashes, etc.). The clerks were makeuped to hell and seemed to be crusty ex- (or failed) showgirls. Depressing place. While shopping we shared stories of Vegas sightings from the previous night including that crotch-pole incident, a middle-of-the-street CPR emergency, and a drug bust.

The wedding took place at one of those quaint and quirky Vegas chapels. Several guests brought whisky, some were wearing jeans and sandals (e.g. the Bride’s father, a pot-crazy DJ from Hawaii), and there was a waiting line for the marriage. Perfect Vegas style. The best moment was when the bride and groom entered--he was wearing the gown and she was wearing the tux (which fit well with his long hair length and her short hair). Big round of applause and laughter. The rest of the ceremony was nice, and afterwards we attended the reception. It was held near the top of the stratosphere tower with an amazing view, delicious food and a free bar to boot (although I brought whisky in case). We would up sitting with the grandparents, but with sober Dee’s help we managed not to embarrass or upset them. After awhile we snuck out to ride the “Get off” ride atop the tower. Another ride, the “Get down”, looked cooler so we opted for that. Big mistake. It was a silly little car that jutted us a few feet off of the tower, and then back and forth a few times. Now that I think about it, our ride should really have the “get off” name. Disappointed but not deterred, we headed to the tower-top lounge for some more drinky-drinky. Some guest tried to lecture me about Absinthe, so I eye-gouged him. Well, I should have at least. That’s Vegas day 2.

Vegas

Dee and I just returned from a whirlwind Las Vegas trip for a wedding. Want to know what we saw? And what saw us? Well, now you can…and more.

Day 1

We arrive to our hotel, the Stratosphere, on Friday evening. After checking in, we seek out dinner at the Hilton Hotel. Lines are ridiculous. I finally eat a pork sandwich, which will haunt my bowels for the remainder of the trip. We then find the bride and groom at a Star Trek bar, complete with costumed hosts and glowing orb drinks. Steve tries to touch some Trek ass. Dee and I go home early—she’s preggers after all. Bride, Groom and crew continue on to a Karaoke bar somewhere down the strip. Although I don’t see it myself, the following scenario is laid out for me the following morning: Two drunken jocky dudes take turns grinding an equally drunken skirted girl on the dance floor, seemingly in competition with each other. One jocky dude starts swing dancing with her. They’re all over the place; no rhythm or control. Then the dude throws the girl up way over his head. You know those poles that hold waiting line rope up? The girl comes down—from 6 feet up, mind you—crotch first onto one of those polls. She reels over in pain while jocky dude scampers off.

That’s Vegas Day 1.

observations

if you ever get a chance to see a spinal tap cover band, see this band.

blackberries are delicious, but unfortunately seedy.

moonkeybone is actually a delightful movie if you can get high enough

breakfast is either overrated or underrated.

kerry's baby is hairy. there's a Harry Karay joke in this somewhere, but I just can't find it.


if you don't own a george foreman grill, you're a terrorist.

q-tipping ears is addictive

the little thing in guinness bottles, that fills my guiness with delicious scottish nitrogen is not worth breaking glass all over your driveway to disect.

curtis is part of my conscience.

spider solitaire, on the difficult setting, is impossible to beat and the scourge of my afternoon.

the simpsons writers, or the cournoyer cuzzin, should write a mcbain movie.

it might be time to start planning a wisconsin cousin party.

Down with Fraggle Rock

Kate's baby mouse. Sprocket the dog from Fraggle Rock. A beer that I found in a Polish grocery store(tastes exactly as advertised). And my dope new ride, The Apollo 3 Speed. Hell yeah!

Utah Journey Part Dos

Ladders, super cairn, crack chillin, fun with uno, rob in a hole, hole n' the rock(doesn't actually exist).

Utah Journey

Basically the Utah story is thus: We walked and saw cool shit. The pictures tell the story, and don't really need captions.











Perhaps a few fragments: Matt was very excited about footbaths and ladders. Kate won the care-free camper award. About 20 points were awarded for things like lizard seeing, enjoying it, getting high at lunch, footprint tracking, and uno. There was an extremely disheveled hiker. We made an ultimate cairn. We made an illegal fire, ate mushrooms, and dreaded the phone call, "hello, matt? This is Utah. What the hell" Matt is greedy about starts and weird about whiskey, according to kate. Live dirt. The chemistry of freeze-dried beer. "that's where the sand-people park their dinosaur."

Crazy Brooklyn guy ranting about Starbucks....pretty funny.

Right back atchya