My answers

-1-
“If Your Car Is Old Enough, Driving Is An Adventure Too”

”Alright. Stay calm …stop the car…we can handle this. Okay. We’re going to need some flashlights...where did we pack those….ah yes, they, along with everything else, were in the trunk attached to the roof, which just moments ago was splattered across the highway by an 18-wheeler. Relax…look, there’s the beer. Mmmm.”

Those were basically my thoughts at 1:54 this morning.

The crew had been awoken by the jarring sound of our rear axle breaking free of the 1977 Station Wagon and my screams of confused profanity. We were faced with the immediate task of foraging the 2AM highway for the vast majority of our gear.

Shoes, rope, clothes, Pabsts, everything; smashed and strewn across the highway. We’re all guessing that Dave, who takes great pride in the quality of our equipment, will be having nightmares about our little ground zero for weeks.

We armed ourselves with beers and our 2 remaining headlamps and went foraging.
I caught one funny disapproving glance from a driver who apparently thought I was so trashed that I believed I was spelunking the ditch next to the highway.

We found everything but a few Pabsts and a shoe, and despite our belief in the “never leave a man behind” mantra, turned our attention to the injured Wagon.

After a few minutes of head-scratching and cursing we concluded that the best solution would be to proceed with our plan of donning bandanas and “hijacking” the Toltec Train in Alamosa, and assume that some car-fairies would fix the wagon while we were away being bandits. So we raised our thumbs and were quickly picked up by a truck-load of errant Eskimos speeding towards the border. But that’s a different story altogether.











-2-
Yes, I grudgingly admit a cell-phone in the backcountry is a good idea. In my experience, Sprint does well with Rocky Mountain reception.

I’d love to say no, because fuck cell-phones. We’re out here for adventure and escape and the cell-phone violates both of these.

But yeah, there’s just too many things that can happen that would require a 9-1-1 call. Especially considering that a fearless-pursuit-of-adventure mentality is multiplied when surrounded by people with a similar approach.

Plus, 9-1-1 operators are now mandated by the FCC to be able to trace all wireless calls.

Climbing with a rope does take away a bit of the danger-thrill, but you do it anyway. There are lives at stake.

Anyway, that damn writer is going to need regular internet access to post his manic writings to the forum, so it’s not like we’re really cutting the strings to society.

However, I would not, under even the most extreme circumstances, condone the use of one of those little head-sets. Or, for that matter, the text-message.

























-3-
If you’ve lost your ability to laugh at poop-jokes, you’re taking life too seriously.

Despite my unwavering fondness for this type of humor, as a passenger in this putrid station wagon of doom, I’d see it as more of a problem than a joke. We’d have to pull-over, the seat would likely be stained, and there’s a possibility of vomitus. That’s at least a ten minute delay.

But it is funny. Especially if they were someone else’s shorts. Or if we went back to the store where they were purchased and attempted to return them unwashed.

In the name of Gonzo Journalism it seems only fair to cover it in depth, take pictures, refuse him my extra pants, and blast it all over the internet with his name and address attached. Especially if it was me. If it occurred to someone more concerned with obtaining an upstanding, feces-free reputation, I could write the post with an anonymous assailant. The community would then be asked to guess which team member committed the foul deed.

Here’s the beginning of my article:

“The Funkiest Thing to Happen to Shorts Since James Brown Recorded “Hot Pants”

Combine 1 part questionable Mexican Food, 8 parts Pabst Blue Ribbon, marinate for 7 hours, add 2 parts Cowboy Coffee, shake vigorously. Whatever it is you’re left with, we were all struggling to contain it this morning.

It was a battle, like trying to keep a greased pig away from a pile of Big Macs. One crew member, who prefers to remain anonymous for some reason, got outmaneuvered and combusted into his Patagonia Rhythm shorts. At first I thought, we’re going to be okay here, Patagonia’s website guarantees that the crotch of the shorts “is gusseted for multidirectional use.” But I was quickly hit with the smell of…

Writing Advice

So I've got a huge writing assignment that needs to be completed by wednesday. I'd appreciate any advice, thoughts, etc. I'll post what I send to them on wednesday.

So I found my dream job on craigs list. Actually it's probably several of our dream jobs.
Here's the posting for the job: http://denver.craigslist.org/wri/74281655.html

I submitted my resume and writing sample, and am 1 of 15 finalists. I need to answer these 3 questions in 300 words or less, by weds at noon.


1. It is dark. You're 60 miles outside of Alamosa, Colorado. You're
traveling in a 1977 Dodge Royal Monaco Brougham station wagon (no,
really you are). The axle falls off (no, really, it might), throwing
your roof rack full of gear into the path of an oncoming semi (that
doesn't stop), your crew mates are passed out. What the hell just
happened?

2. Cell phone in the backcountry or not? Why?

3. Can you tell us what you would find valuable (from a journal entry
point of view) from this scenario, and what you could bring to the
fouram.pro website the following day:

After a long, hard, night of roadside Mexican food and Pabst Blue

Ribbon, the group is making their way to a local trailhead for a hike. Some of the members are getting a harsh reaction to the Cowboy coffee
that was served campside that morning. Unfortunately, one of the members gets an instantaneous blow out that soils a brand new pair of Patagonia Rhythm shorts. We're talking major catastrophic loss of control here.

First of all.is this funny? Or, is this something that we need to keep on the down low?

Write how you would treat this event, or not?




pretty cool questions, eh? I'm having some fun with them already. lemme know whatcha think

mu

Hello, My little hairy friends. Today's task is to meet somebody new. I met a huge fat cigar shop owner. He was funny. I will see him again for a smoke and coffee in his little shitty cigar shop. I played butt-hunter and it is a funny game. I am going to go to the cottage tonight and maybe go on a canoe trip this weekend. I am going to go to Colorado sometime around the 20th and stay for a week or so, so look for me to be stopping in a Colorado city near you. I am having chicken patties for lunch.....dos. I just started to record some guitar stuff onto a handheld tape recorder so I can remember what I have played. I smoked a cigar and had a grande cup of coffee, I am pretty zoned right now, and I am going to take a grande corn relish shite in the toilet. I saw a M.I.L.F at the farmers market. I ran around the lake the other day to relieve stress it was like upwards of 10 miles. I want to work in this old classical book store, I went there today and farted all over the basement of it....note to self: farts in old book stores do not combine to make a good smell. New White Stripes album is coming out soon, I suggest everyone buy it and listen. Jack White is an artist his machismo overflows like the Ganges in monsoon season. Without porn there is not internet. Love, Kaiser Wilhelm II

Butt Hunter

Good times for the whole family.


http://www.killsometime.com/games/game.asp?Game=Butt-Hunter

Guess the cousin 

notice the cheers

http://www.muchosucko.com/video-trampolinebear.html

revenge on rob smith

I have returned from my jedi training in the wood of Lodi. I learned to use the Force to wipe my ass. I now am in Boulder showing my light saber to all the LA princesses. But I yearn for princess Amygdala. I plan to return to and take out my revenge on Rob Smith for his strong attack of the spoons overcame my powers. Little does he know that I plan on releasing my ultimate weapon on him.........my Brown Star! capable of ultimate destruction. Die Obi Wan KaRobbie!!

Darth Jaker 

Bloody Penguin game

This game rocks if you're bored. I got 995.7 feet.



http://www.killsometime.com/games/game.asp?Game=SmackTheBloodyPenguin

Alternatively, how about not having a philosophy? Roll with the punches, so to speak.

Although that could be considered a philosophy itself. Darn, it's inescapable (smacks self on head).

In other punching news, I thought I'd badmouth a band you all love called Widespread Panic: they're super boring. Ha! Swing away.

2 quick relationships

To me, the ideal realtionship starts with some honesty. You discuss the things you like to do, you find out what matches up, and you do those thigns together, You don't start giving each other rules and expecting the other person to fill all the other spots taht you need filled. I say radical honesty the whole time, always know where you each stand.

So I had this working for a while, once a week we matched up for dinner, conversation or a couch movie and some sex. then she told me she loved me, and I told her i didn't so much love her. In fact, I love a girl from my past still probably. So that ended.

Then I meet a new girl. Again, we match up for a couch movie and sex a few times, as those are the only roles i need filled right now. Tonight, she calls me, says she's bored, I say I'm writing, I won't entertain her, she get a little pissed. I decide it's time to share this philosophy with her, how I want to know exactly what she's looking for and tell her that this is all I'm looking for, and I don't want her to get too attached. She says that's fine, she wasnt looking for love, but she doesnt really like sex that much. Never has. SO i tell her, that's fine, we still have movies, I'll call you nex time I want to watch a movie on the couch with somebody. We talk a little more about how it's a relief to know where each other stand, and i decided I should also mention that I will evantually, and probably more sooner than later, find a girl that is into not only couch movies, but also sex, and she will probably be replaced. So now that's over.

So I guess I'm wondering what you guys think of my relationship philosophy. I am still a proponent, and I don't see these as failures. We kept everything on the surface, and realized that things didn't match up so well, and ended things civilly. well not civilly. Both times the girl was quite mad and I was fighting back not laughing. Am I emotionally shallow? I suppose I am. quite shallow, probably.

A rapper I like, atmosphere, defined relationships as sexual positions and emotional investments. Maybe i'm just a very conservative emotional investor. It's not that I'm afraid to lose, I enjoy being sad and getting through it. SO what's my problem then. I do not know. And now I realize that everyone who reads this is in a relationship, so i don't know, maybe i need someone to tell me the joys of love or soemthing, because I'm just not seeing it. I find tonight's event funny, and I'm probably going to call a different girl to see if she'd like to watch a movie on the couch tomorrow, starting the whole process anew. hmmmmm. maybe i'll leave out the part of her being replaced soon.

While we're on the topic of liver,
How about the fact that a liver can metabolize liver when you eat it. Food for thought...

random thoughts

I was about to post some random thoughts but saw that matt beat me to it. good thoughts matt. i think I only have one actually.

The liver. you'd think that having an organ with such a critical sounding name, we'd spend less nights abusing it.

that is all.

cfinals

My creativity is hindered, I have to study for finals. Want to write and play guitar but can't finals got me down. It seems like an oxy moron I'm studying but it is making me less productive....Does the Man have anyone else down?

So what

A collection of thoughts:

I feel like protestors are running out of viable reasons to complain. In Chicago they were protesting a pharmacy that wouldn't sell the morning after pill(for religious reasons). So what!? walk down 10 feet to the next pharmacy you idiots. Maybe they should smoke more pot and stop annoying everyone.

I just got my Atari out of my parents attic. Fuck yeah I did!

People(I won't name who) have recently started carrying small boom boxes on the subway and blasting their shitty rap for all to hear. What the hell? Are they too cheap to buy an iPod, discman, mp3, etc. or just too arrogant and rude? I just want to grab the boom box and smash it. Either that or I'm going to follow suit and bring my own so I can play Muppets Sing-Along for everyone.

Sandals really do kick ass. I mean is there anything better than walking around in flip-flops. No guy, there isn't.

I say we get rid of cars all together(no offense to your Dad Joe Taebo), they suck to take care of, gas prices are out of control, they are horrible for the environment, and who doesn't hate every other person on the road besides yourself? On a side note....isn't it wierd how Asians will only drive Japanese cars? I don't know, maybe its not that weird, what do I know. Fuck it.

Did you know that El Jebel means "the mountain" in Arabic? Yeah that's right Arabic, not Spanish you butthole.

I have lots more that comes to mind but I don't want to make this too long and pretentious, in fact don't even bother reading this. Although I guess if you got this far you already read it. Maybe I should move this sentence to the top. Oh well. If you are still reading this, just stop now because I am rambling on purpose and you should have figured this out by now. I would like to say though, if you are still reading this, that the rest of the cousins(William Bold, Joe Hio,
L' Viagra, and myself excluded) should start contributing. Don't be scared!

short story

just a random lil thing i wrote a few nights ago. still rough draft, but considering few things make it to a final draft, here it comes.

The Pedometer
There have always been random little things I’d like to do, but I don’t because I worry what people would think about me. Lately I am attaching very very little importance to the worry that some person will think I’m weird. I am weird. I’m proud of that. “the greatest art form is a life well lived” –ken kesey “all the freaky people make the beauty of the world” -michael franti

Grabbing some change out of the mall fountain is a perfect example. I need change for laundy, Here are piles of change, glistening in the water. That money belongs to anybody that values a few sideways glances at under $4.00. When I’m in a clear mood, I am that person. I’ll grab some money and giggle all the way to the candy store on the 2nd floor. I get paid to be the weird guy. I get a good story and some candy, and maybe some on-looker is inspired to be himself a little more.

However, this is one of those lessons that needs to be constantly reinforced. Every day I must relearn that I should highlight my weirdness. Reading a few quotes is a good reminder, but what really is living one, doing something strange and public, every single morning. Here’s mine.

I have about a quarter mile walk to the bus-stop. I also have a pedomoter, which is a little machine that measures how many steps you take. I love that little bastard. Carry him everywhere. Every morning I turn him on as I walk out the door. While waiting for the bus, I’d usually check to see how fast I’m walking that morning, as a measure of how tired I am. Less steps almost always mean a good mood. My record for fewest steps was 214.

One day about a month ago I left my house in a particularly good mood, and vowed to beat 200. I shattered it, tallying an impressive 182 steps. The next day I wanted to beat that. I did. Same thing the next day, and once again, another great victory.

For a week or so after that, my step count signified something entirely different than happiness. It was a confidence barometer. If I felt good about myself, I didn’t care how goofy my overzealous gait was, I just wanted to see a nice low number when I got to the bus-stop. If my mind was running slow, I subconsciously tried to fit in with the morning commuters, and walk at their same boring step-rate. On these days, I’d always reach a point where I realized how ridiculous this coping was, and vow to never do it again. One day, that vow stuck.

So now, every morning, I launch myself down my steps, and big-step my way to bus-stop. I step as big as I possibly can on every single step.

People stare. They make funny expressions and they almost get in car-accidents as their gaze lingers, waiting for some kind of meaning to my ridiculous stepping. That’s become my favorite part.

Running and jumping were ruled illegal at some point. So there haven’t been any number break-throughs in weeks. It’s been tough competion. Last week I took exactly 118 steps three out of the 5 days. I do yoga now, and I’m not ashamed to admit that a big factor in the decision to do it regularly was the promise of greater stepping ability.

I don’t really see this contest coming to an end any time soon. Every morning I big-step my way to the bust stop on St. Charles and Morengo with a smile on my face, and all day I remember the feeling of not giving a shit whether people think I’m different. I am different. I can step extremely far for my height. It’s all about when you transfer your weight.

nawlins

i have returned from the new orleans jazz festival, and have verbal highlights for your reading enjoyment. here we go

bands i saw: soulive, jurassic5, karl denson, isaac hayes, toots & the maytals, spearhead, steel pulse, trey, ike turner, los lonely boys, anthony hamilton...all awesome, download if you aint on it...especially the first 7.

-met the Meters, they signed my paper, there were unimpressed with my funkiness, which wavered between a meager 6 and 8 over the week.

-my funkiness reached its peak during the Isaac Hayes set, when i spotted a beautiful woman put my arms around her and gave her some deep-voice, "i wanna make sweetlove to you down by the fire" style pimpin. download "i stand accused" and you'll understand.

-i think ike turner made a reference to some good wife-beatin, but it was a bit of a stretch. "and then i showed her what the blues were all about." one can only imagine...

-food. po-boys are tasty, although i would advise you to avoid the fried sausage po-boy and then get on a plane. i'd also advise you to avoid dave's insanity sauce.

-also on food...split a massive big fried seafood platter with judd, who incidentally beat me badly in the college poo-tally, and were percolating butt-coffee before we even left the restaurant. the ass-vomit poos are way more fun when you have a friend in the next stall yelling "3-2-1-BLAST OFF" before you let it fly.

-drank all kinds of sugary spring break type drinks the first night, and then licked a waitress because she "wouldn't leave me alone"

-isaac played the chocolate salty balls song.

-the fire/water fountain. how can a water fountain be on fire? i don't know, but drinking a whole lot didnt help me figure it out.

-absinthe is trouble, even american absinthe which lacks the sweet (read: nasty but psychadelic) thugon.

so there you have it. respect to new orleans, my favorite city in the world for food and music. now is when i propose a cousin trek to jazz fest next year.....proposed.

boyes!

I just spent most of my weather and climate class drawing nude pictures of men on the course evaluation sheet. I was sitting in a pretty ass-xposed position, low and behold a kid fart came out. A few people heard... Last week I saw the Violent Femmes play, a little old but still kicked ass. semenster almost over.

warning about ledges

I just received a warning from the dean of students about the block party that I already attended. I thought that it was wise advice so I'll let you in on it: Use extreme care near the ledges, as falls do happen, often resulting in serious injury.

bumper stickers

I figured you guys would like this one. I quote the bumper sticker on the truck ahead of me, "If it flies, it dies" with a bunch of ducks and birds around. I agree, wise man...I agree...