Macgyver

A decently amusing story:

I left the bar at 2am last night and went back to my apartment and found myself locked out of it. No fault of my own actually, but that's not relevant to the story. I thought about calling a few friends I was out with so I could crash on their couch, but decided it would cost me a few hours of sleep to deal with getting there and getting back to my place in the morning before I gave my class their final at 10AM, and that breaking into my apartment would present a good challenge. I got really into Macgyver as a stoner undergrad, and figured I had seen enough episodes that I was capable of this. I have seen him break into doors with a credit card, and decided that was the plan.

I figured what I had to do was get the card between the wall and the metal-lock piece that sticks into the wall. This wasn't going to happen; there was a metal shelving for that thing, which I'll call the "penis" for sake of clarity. So the penis was nestled into the vagina, and there was no way my card was coming between the two. Far too big.

I decided what had to be done was to rip the card so it could fit in there. I chose my "check card" which I'm still not sure what it does, and ripped that into a strip that would fit into the vagina. It fit! But there was no way that it was going to be strong enough to push the penis back into the door. I was stuck.

I have also seen movies where people kick down doors, so I decided that was worth a try. I did some stretching (the last thing I needed at that point was a pulled hammy) and decided on body-checking the door instead of kicking it. I left the card piece in there, thinking that might help. So I drilled the door with my body (shoulder is a little sore) but it didn't open. It did seem to move a bit, and when I went back to the door, I could see into the vagina a little better. The penis was still fully in there, but the door was now able to be pushed back far enough where I could almost touch the penis with my finger. I also woke some neighbors. I went back to work with the card, not wanting to completely destroy my door a day before leaving for 3 weeks.

I ripped my check card into 4 strips that I could fit between the penis and vagina, but I still couldn't get any push back on the penis. So I took another credit card and tried to weasel that in, and thought I felt the penis push in. I did that for about 5 minutes, but still didn't feel like I was pushing in on the penis with enough strength. I made it 3 credit cards, and instantly knew I was onto something. Eventually I put a corner of the 3 cards into the vagina, behind the penis (the path was cleared by the ripped card strips still in there) and twisted the cards other corner so it went between the door and the wall, and the door opened. I stood there confused for a second, not really sure what happened. Then I pumped my fists triumphantly and ate some pie.

The end.