Canadian Lethargy

I'm in Vancouver, visiting a very close friend from college. Sami, a roommate, smoking buddy, confidant and object of unrequited forbidden love.

I'm having a great time, but am a little disappointed myself in my lack of 'sieze the day' mentality. We've done a lot of cool things, hikes, swimming, movies, canoeing, buddhist temple visiting, etc but nothing really memorable. I've always felt that i need little forms of excitement to keep my adrenaline craving from boiling over. These boil overs are dangerous things. I once robbed a gas station.

But right now i'm like, boil, damnit. While a small cliff jump keeps me away from the bigger cliffs, maybe that's the reason to hit the big cliff first.

I haven't done anything all day, I haven't written or studied all week. I just read and play and eat and sleep. and smoke and drink. After a week of this, it's hard to say a still believe in the "go big or go home" and its depressing. I don't think I've ever had a week off work in a great exciting place with a great exciting person and come back without a single decent story to tell.

I'm going to go big tomorrow, hopefully in a way besides alcohol consumption, but i guess that's the backup plan.

I realize I really need time alone to keep on my path. THat's probably the big problem here, not the little outlets for adrenaline. When it's constantly "what small source of joy comes next" you never really go "how about we say fuck joy, i want intensity"

Well, it's 11, she's in bed, I just took my rejuvinating cold shower, i think i'm sayin it now.

I can't think of anything besides sleeping on the street...could go out pimpin....be wierd for an open mic...guerilla motivation....

none of these feel right. now that i've written this, i have to do something. fuck