This deserves a double post

Photoshoppery in honor of Kyle's graduationing

Lex Talionis

I would like to start this blog entry by stating that it is no way as interesting as Rob's entry and I will not be disappointed if you don't read it in its entirety. That being said, here goes.

I spent the Memorial Weekend honoring the senseless deaths of millions by swimming, drinking, jet skiing, and fishing in southern Virginia where the Confederacy is still very much alive.

I also witnessed the wonders of the Potomac River wildlife by seeing a turtle(pictured), bald eagle, water moccasin, osprey, egret, catfish(pictured and caught by me), maryland blue crab, gopher, and an awesome fish called a Croaker which makes noises like a frog.

On an unrelated topic, I am currently taking a colon cleanser to purge my body of unwanted toxins. I have pooped 7 times since I began taking the pills less than 24 hrs ago. Strangely I had not anticipated the effects this would have on my anus.

On an equally unrelated topic, I have become sadly distressed by the news of dog fighting in the NFL. I have come to the conclusion that the only just sentence for a person caught dogfighting is lex talionis(an eye for an eye). Let said persons be put in a ring with one of this dogs and if he makes it out alive than so be it. I also wonder if there has ever in the history of cats been an all out duel between two felines to the death?

Last note: I absolutely love the look Grace has in that picture but have yet to figure out what kind of a look it is. I'm guessing perplexed.

peru1

a rough recap:

the first night in peru was spent hanging out all night in the hotel in lima, drinking duty free scoth and enjoying the company of my travel mates. we talked to some fellow gringo travelers and shared advice, and got gradually more manic as the night went on. we arrived in cuzco at 7am the next morning, completely disoriented, and enentually found a hostel. a private room with three beds was under $20 and as we sat down to talk about the details we were served coca tea. it would not be my last taste of the leaf.

we spent that day and the next planning our machu picchu journey, sipping the local beer, and getting toursit crap shoved in our face. food and souvenirs are cheap and the people are quite friendly, but the combination can be overwhelming.

muchu picchu journey, day 1: a very confused start. the guide said he'd show up at 7:30 and drive us to the bus station for the 8am 3 hour bus to the start. showed up at 7:50, on a bike. the bus was oversold, so peruvians sat in my lap. after we}ve been climbing a seemingly endless muddy mountain road with attempted construciton and closures for 6 hours through the rain, the guide decides its time to get out and get on bikes. the peruvians happily take our seats and stare dumbfounded as we put on some strange helmets, sit on the bikes, and start riding down to the jungle, instantly covered in mud. expectations were quite low at this point. it was about 40 miles downhill and turned out to be one of my favorite strange adventures. we eventually descended below the clouds, the road and mud on my face dried, no more consturction, great views over the amazon basin. my ass paid the price of entry to this paradise. jake's bike exploded and was stranded in the jungle as night fell.
-day 2 and 3 were about 30 miles through the jungle on foot with small packs, picking fruit off trees for snacks, chewing coca leaves and being dominated by mosquitos. we slept in busted hostels in small jungle town and failed to converse with the guide in spanish. we drink heavily one of these nights in a bar that was like an interrogation room from cop movies and are taught a drinking game that involves poking a cigarette into a napkin on a beer and having to drink the ash beer if you do it wrong. we try to explain flippy cup but it deteriorates into drinking a full beer every time you miss the flip. i got zapatos locos (crazy shows) and refused to go to bed when the guide said it was time and ran away while my travel mates convinced the guide to take us to another bar. he said i was a small problem. roosters do not just crow once during sunrise. those fuckers are relentless. we also crossed a river by a self propelled zipline and learned the hungry chicken handshake.
-day 4 we climbed a moutnain in the dark to get to machu picchu for sunrise, then climbed another mountain to be able to look down on it. absolute beauty. i was really expecting to feel a special power to the place, and i´m a little disappointed that i did not. perhaps it was that there were thousands of tourists and those that pray on them. either way, an incredible place.

then we spent the night partying, making it nearly 24 straight hours awake. we spent the next day in a deep chill and planned a trek, which i am supposed to be on right now, but it got delayed because jake got food posioning. he´s alright. we leave tomorrow and it should be amazing, though if things go wrong we may miss our flight to lima. i just said goodbye forever to the three pretty europeans from the MP journey and i´m really wondering why i didnt try to hook up with any of them, or that one peruvian girl. i,ve written kelly two emails and got no response and have now decided to take off the necklace she made me and experience some local culture in every way possible. before you object, i will state that we decided that we were not together this month, and we're both moving a month after i return.

everything else is basically solid. we eat out for every meal for about 5$. the food isnt spicy enough and i miss solitude, fast internet, my bed, hot showers, friends, family, girl... but its damn beautiful here once you get away from the plazas. today we went to the central market and there were piles of chicken heads and shit. it did not help cure jake´s stomach. tomorrow´s two day hike should be incredible. love to you all.

Somebody had to do it.

Will this do?

STAY PUFT MARSHMALLOW MAN

Kyle updates

I finally finished my PhD requirements, and have a deathly cold to show for it. We're now Boston bound in t-minus 3.5 months.

I'm off to a small island in the south of France in a week. I expect a lot of good wine. Can people get wine guts? I'll find out.

Children of Men is a tasty rental. Check out the two elaborate battle scenes that are filmed with only 1 shot.

Sean is 7 months old now and growing fast. Pretty soon he'll be knocking at your door asking for candy and/or a place to crash.

slump buster

I think I've avoided writing something on our little bathroom wall here a few times because after 10 days of silence, I wanted the first words to be good. Well, they won't be. I don't really have anything to say right now. The pressure is increased by the fact that this is the 400th post, and everyone loves nice round numbers.



"Slump buster" is a term that was developed with a visiting friend of mine, as we debated solutions to his unrequited love. He hadn't had sex in many months (both a support and result of said love) and we decided this was a problem. In a rare moment of forwardness, we started dancing with some girls (repetetive movement as a pickup line...strange choice for society...perhaps because of subliminal similarities to sex?) and eventually ended up at their house. We drove home that night, he got a ride home the next morning after successfully busting his slump. During the awkward goodbye, with both characters knowing they would never see each other again, she vomited on herself in the driver's seat and he said "AHHHHH" and ran into my building.



Tom Robbins is now being definitively stated as my favorite author.



This is a funny video. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JpBGRA6HHtY

Sometimes I say the line at the end when flushing a nasty poop. I am not sure from whence it came.



I encourage everyone to plan a vacation on Lake Powell. My week on there was among the best in my life.

Anyone have any Colorado trips planned? June 22-24 is Panic at Red Rocks. I have also decided that I will climb Mt. Snowmass. I leave in mid august, and if anyone wants to go backpacking betwenn now and then, I love you.

I'm moving to Ann Arbor, MI for 5 years of grad. school. If anyone can think of ways for me to tear down marketing from the inside, let me know. Also interested in the train from ann arbor to chicago.

Fuck comfort. What collection of Rob thoughts would be complete without my young-adult mantra? My new quote for this thought is "do something that scares you every day." Eleanor Roosevelt of all people said that. "Take a risk, make it sweet" was my friend RobD's version. My latest source of this is exercise. The runner's high. I run fast until I collapse, and then I feel good for a while. As the body falls apart, the mind gathers strength. Meditation tells me I should add this: As train of thought, personality, ego are dethroned (often the result of running or, uh, stretching) a deeper part of the mind is awakened, or at least, less drowned out. This silencing of mental chatter is our deepest and most unexplained craving. Meditation, yoga, fasting, severe intoxication, even orgasm could stem from our soul wanting our brain to just shut the fuck up for a while. While on my vacation, I compared the highs of alcohol, marijuana, fear, exhaustion, beauty, mushrooms, extacy, meditation, orgasm, and ideas. They all had something in common, beyond my enjoyment of them.

Grace's First Cubs Game

Now I know I'm old.

YEAH!!!!

Since we have family all over the nation and beyond, we have created two websites dedicated to the Sean Smackers. Here they are:
www.flickr.com/photos/seanmsmith
www.youtube.com/SeanSmacky
Mr. Trout, what is your flickr address?

Sad day in america

One of the greatest American authors of all time, Kurt Vonnegut, has passed away. He was my favorite author and in my opinion the greatest author of our time.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070412/ap_on_re_us/obit_vonnegut

For those of you who have not read his work I highly recommend any or all of the following:

Slaughterhouse-Five
Welcome to the Monkey House
Breakfast of Champions(my favorite)
Cats Cradle
A Man Without a Country(my second favorite)
God Bless You, Doctor Kevorkian
Galapagos

that thing

We all know the feeling. A sense of clarity characterized by creativty and openness. It's basically a good mood with depth. The train of thought is charging. It's the mood when television is a horrible idea. When most great ideas are midwifed. When bees are funny.

I'm willing to (basically) admit this state of mind is chemical, so the question is this: These chemicals, do they run out? If one were to find away to experience this heightened consciousness constantly, would they eventually suffer a depression (like manic depressive people) or able to sustain it (like possibly buddhist monks). Is it a muscle that can be exercised and strengthened, or is it a well that gets tapped?

It's too bad there isnt an expert on pleasureful brain chemicals on this blog or this question could possibly be answered. oh wait...

stupid post

Dear ESPN

Poker is not a sport.

Love,
Joey Joe Joe Jr.

stupid post

Dear ESPN

Poker is not a sport.

Love,
Joey Joe Joe Jr.

Finish this sentence:

I know that christ is lord because_______________________________.

Kyle extends his congrats to Rob and Jake for grad school admissions. That’s Jakoriffic on both accounts. The more doctors the better on this Godforsaken blog.

Kyle believes you are jealous because he was all up in the press, press, press, and because he gets more money back from taxes than he actually paid in the first place.

Kyle believes you are not jealous because he’s spent the last several months writing a 200pg dissertation, raising a baby, selling a house, and selling a baby.

Has Kyle been coughing up florescent orange bile lately? No, he hasn’t.

Adapt

Drunken train of thought from a few days ago:

"Be like water making its way through cracks. Do not be assertive, but adjust to the object, and you shall find a way round or through it. If nothing within you stays rigid, outward things will disclose themselves.

Empty your mind, be formless. Shapeless, like water. If you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup. You put water into a bottle and it becomes the bottle. You put it in a teapot it becomes the teapot. Now, water can flow or it can crash. Be water my friend."

Bruce Lee said that. It laid in my head somewhat differently then its existence on the quote websites, but the idea has been phrased by him for me for years. Its always been an interesting debate for me. Water becomes what is around it. Water takes the path of least resistance. Water adapts. But it can also crash like a motherfucker.

Should we?

Tonight, for the first time, I tied this metaphor to the fact that we are 70 or 80% water. Interesting. Just a metaphor still, but it IS in our nature to adapt. We can live in a cubicle and we can live in a jungle. Humans are the most adaptive beings on the planet, we can live anywhere, we can do anything.

But we are also the most self-aware being on this planet. We are able to recognize our deepest goals and how we differ from the other 6 billion humans. Actually this differntiation is one of the deepest goals. We need to believe we are different, we are unique, we should not adapt. Fuck that teapot, I'm better than it, why should I become it.

Personally, I find myself quite adaptive lately. Last night, at a party in Gainesville, watching the Gators play some team, I was a UF fan. Before that, I was obsessed with marketing research. Last weekend, I was really into the University of Michigan, research on preference, and alternatively, scholarly pursuits and doing stupid shit while wearing green. It was fun.

Today I've been myself. And while it may have kept me from swimming in my hotel pool right now with the contents of one of the many sun-dresses I have been surrounded with, it's been right.

There are times to adapt, and evolution has lead us to find ease and solice in this tendency. We must, at the very least, chose what to adapt to. We must face this decision head on, and we must do it alone, because that is the only time when we're only adapting to the rarity of being ourselves.

We should be ourselves, but we become old the day we can no longer adapt.

Daily Rubb

Semantics:
So then I told the proctologist, you may have a fancy degree, but you don't know the first thing about fingering an ass.
then he reminded me that he was just a homeless guy that I lured into my apartment with promises of beef burritos.
He also had a hook for a hand.

I have bronchitis. There's new snow out and I would like to ski on it but my general weakness and breathing difficulty would take the fun out of it. I wonder if we should do things we don't want to do just because we had previosuly considered them fun. I see the widespread use of viagra as a good example of this, and one that will lead me to skiing tomorrow.

I will be choosing a slightly better program in ann arbor or gainesville over boulder or vancouver for 5 years of grad school, and it will upset me.

I want to change how comments work, so they just pop up instead of opening a new page. i think this is possible.

I'm going to Peru in about a month. Want to come Brant? Machu Picchu beckons.

I just read Hobo, which is another good Matt recommendation, and also Less Than Zero by Brett Easton Ellis. Ellis is great.

uhh

Hello......ello.....llo.....lo.....ooooo..

Excuse my language but where the fuck is everyone on this blog?? Pretty soon we can start calling this the
JAKE and MATT BLOG EXPERIENCE with specials guests Kyle and Dee. Reading my own posts isn't very exciting. So where are you bryan, kate, rob, jeremy, maggie, molly, adam, kerry?? Seeing as how none of these cousins will actually read this I've taken the liberty of replying for them:

Maggie: I'm only allowed to post on Jim Beam's blog.

Kate: Wait, there's a cousin blog?? When did that happen?

Bryan: I don't know how to use the new setup. Gerda, Gerda. Its too complicated for me. Gerda, Gerda, Gerda. I'm too stoned. Gerda, Gerda, Gerda, Gerda, Gerda.

Adam: I fucking hate blogs. People who use computers are losers. You all suck. I have a Canondale Skyscaper Hopper 9000 SE with dual X-Shock Compatibility and overhead rims. Kiss my ass!

Kerry: I'm afraid of the blog.

Jeremy: I pierced all my fingers and can't type anymore.

Rob: My job is too demanding, I have no time. Blogging is impermanent.

Molly: Nobody cares about me. Blogging is so 2006.

poobits

I'm really starting to feel this new blog. I can definitely get the feeling something good is happening here. I agree with Invincible Anus that random, though emotion filled, gibberish is better than mindless picture posting and youtube videos. One can't deny the new technologies and opportunities that they open up, but this blog was built for communication. How many brazilions of websites are there out there with mindless pictures and videos (I'm thinking hardcore porn)?

On another note, I am assuming Crafty Wannabe cannot keep up with the high-fi sci-fi intensive programming codes needed to operate the new blogger. Hence his lack of participation. Even Kyle can do it! Sure everyone knows he is a neuroscience Doogie Howser, but what they don't know is that he has a hard time slingin' his sausage fingers 'round a keyboard

After a year of getting the life sucked out of me, by pharmacy school applications (GREs, PCATs, interviews, essays, etc.) I was finally accepted to Midwestern University (200 of 2000 applicants), the University of Wisconsin (13 out of state students including international were admitted last year), and I have a University of Illinois Chicago interview next Tuesday which I am going to slay babies at. For the interview they mandate a suit and tie...Saweet!

If I'm not bloggin' here I blog here.

When in doubt, castle.

So this is the new blogger, same as the old blogger. Awesome.

I'm here to dispell the rumor(started by some fella named Brant) that babies are blog killers. While babies do diminish ones abilities to: sleep, eat peacefully, have a nice quiet bathroom session, think, go to the bars, get (really) stoned, watch tv, read, have sex, and so on. They aren't blog killers.

Blog killers are certain cuzzins'(who won't be named) lack of participation in said blogging.

Anyway I've noticed that much of my recent or pre-baby blogging has been mindless picture and link posting. So, I decided to put together a thoughtful and possibly pretentious posting of random jibberish(for lack of a better word).

(By the way I want you to know that I did not intend to use so many parenthesis, it just kind of happened. On a interesting side note I've heard semicolons referred to as; transvestite hermaphrodites representing absolutely nothing.)

My first thought is on celebrities, namely Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, and Paris Hilton, and anyone else in that mold for that matter. I was going to go on and on about how much I hate them and then I realized: fuck them, I don't fucking care about them or anyone else with similar notoriety. I don't even know them, what the fuck is wrong with me? Without their fame and money they'd be just another hick in the local police blotter. Fuck the media too. Its really amazing how much of a market there is for people that most of america will never meet.

Ok that thought was a little too long. My second thought is that most street performers suck.

And while I'm in the bitching mode: I absolutely despise cellular ear pieces. Hate em. I do love the people that are so important that they leave them in all day regardless of whether they have a phone call or not or on the subway where there isn't any reception. Congrats to them, they are one step closer to being a cyborg.

One thing I've learned from living in New york City which seems to pride itself on non-conformity is that: True individualists do not realize they are unique.

Finally in a effort to not make this post too long winded, I would like to share some recent discoveries of mine.

Book suggestions

Earth Abides by George Stewart--an end of the world tyoe book written in 1949

The Tao of Willie by Willie Nelson--sounds cheesy but its very insightful and entertaining

My Belief by Herman Hesse--big fan of any of his books

The Road by Cormac McCarthy--another apocalyptic type book

A Man Without a Country by Kurt Vonnegut--just an awesome book, can read it in a day

Funniest Piece of Advice

"When in doubt, castle" I've been thinking on this one for a week.

Best Old Definitions

Twerp: A guy who stuck a set of false teeth up his butt and bit the buttons off the backseats of taxicabs.

Snarf: A guy who sniffed the seats of girls' bicycles.

Best Album I've Recently Discovered

Mike Doughty--Haughty Music

Quote

"We are here on earth to fart around. Don't let anyone tell you different."

-Kurt Vonnegut

New Blog

So I had to switch the blog over to google/gmail. I'm not sure what that means, but for me, my user name changed from phantastikdan to phantastikdan@yahoo. Basically, you just have to make a new log in name and password. I also assume there will be sparkling new features and a little guy that dances the macarena somewhere in the lower right corner of our computer screens. EVEN WHEN THEY'RE OFF!

dear kyle

Dr. Kyle, I was wondering if you had any input on opportunities in neuropsychopharmacology. What with your background I thought you may have an idea of what type of person typically does work in this field. I am looking into going to pharmacy school and perhaps getting a ph.D as well. The only drugs that would interest me enough to pursue these lofty goals are the ones that are psychologically active. Any information would be appreciated.

Babies are blog killers!

Winter Poem

Shit,
Its Cold!

Fat Murphy

I've about had it with Eddie Murphy in a fat suit. I count 11 fat suits in the last 10 years, and there could be more that I'm not aware of. Did he wear one for Dr. Doolittle? I'm not counting it if so. Either way, it's too many for one man.

Getting baked with computers and the madness that ensues. A photo journey of minute proportions.

My Baby's Booze is Bigger Than Your's

Thats my daughter

Hi

Not much blogging lately. Tis a pity. I am partly to blame. The process of applying to colleges has sucked out my life-force like a Saigon whore. Now it is returning like the vietnam vets who just can't find enough cheap young prostitutes in the states.

First on my mind is whether there are any trips to Colorado planned. I have heard rumors but no confirmations. I understand brain is probably coming out for X Games, and I hereby invite him to stay an extra weekend and hang out with me in the 10th mtn division hut i rented for feb. 4, which i now realize is super bowl sunday.

Next, some of you may have noticed that our little hsot here has changed. I think blogger was bought by google, and I am constantly pressured to change the format. I assume it will be nicer, but a small pain in the ass to change log in names. thoughts?

What else? Any good New Years shenanigans? resolutions? new favorite irish drinking songs?

Cousins, meet Grace.

Grace, meet the cousins.

I'm not normally one for YouTube links, but this is just too good.

The following transcript was recorded prior to this event.

"Quick, someone help! These dolphins are choking on chunks of plastic!"
"I have medical instruments that might help".
"No way, those are too short."
"Hey, I know! We'll get the world's tallest man to reach his world's tallest arms down the dolphins throats and extract the plastic!"
"It's sure to work!"
"It can't fail!"

Console Gamers are not Hardcore Gamers

As I’m reading the latest issue of Electronic Gaming Monthly talking about Gears of War, I saw the words “hardcore gamers” in a sentence. I scoffed at the notion of console gamers as hardcore gamers. There’s nothing hardcore about console games and the gamers that play them, with maybe a very slight exception to fighting games, but I’ll get to that.
You see, there’s a reason there’s a very, very forgiving damage model in most action-packed console games. It’s the limited control scheme that a gamepad gives you. The gamepad are great for platformers like Super Mario 64 and Ratchet & Clank.
Here’s a case in point: My sister’s boyfriend has been playing Call of Duty 2 for months on his Xbox 360 and has beaten it three times. I watched as he took direct hits of 2 grenades and an ungodly amount of bullets, yet he still trekked on, oblivious to all the damage done to his on-screen persona. I was amazed, becaused Call of Duty 2 on my computer was a lot less forgiving (not to mention I play on the hardest difficulty.)

Fast forward it 3 weeks later, as he watched me play Call of Duty 2 on my computer. One direct hit from a grenade sent me to the Load Game screen. He commented that he never died that easily, and then it dawned on him why. Forgiving damage modelling for these games to accomodate the limitations of the gamepad and slow response time for these kind of action games. In fact, it is utterly boring watching anyone play Call of Duty 2 on the console when it is much more fast-paced and visceral on the computer.
Now some fanboys will claim that there are tournaments for console games, but the reason is simple: to make money. There’s no talent or skills involved, it’s just to showcase the games and allow console gamers to compete against each other.
When Quake 3 came out for the Dreamcast, PC gamers and console gamers for the first time to my recollection, could compete against each other. Suffice to say, even the sorriest Quake 3 player on the computer was heads-and-shoulders above those playing the Dreamcast version. Ping wasn’t a factor, either. This isn’t the console gamers’ fault, but as I mentioned above, a severe limitation of the gamepad, plain and simple.
Racing games on the console don’t count, they are just giant memory tests, where you memorize a linear racetrack to beat competitors, with a little twitch hand-eye coordination thrown in (drafting, avoiding collisions, etc.) Fighting games are the only type of games that can be considered hardcore, but not many allow you to go online and compete on any considerable level.
On the other hand, there are numerous tournaments for PC games. There’s the big ones, like Counter Strike (original and Source), Quake 3 and Quake 4, the Battlefield series, and a multitude of RTS games. The mouse and keyboard control scheme allows for a much more fluid and responsive control than gamepads, and is the reason why online and offline tournaments on the computer are lightning fast and insanely competitive.
So as you can see, scoffing at the notion of console gamers as being hardcore has me wondering just what the editors at Electronic Gaming Monthly (and any other console gamers) are smoking when they view themselves as hardcore gamers. Because as it is these days, it’s just not possible.

Vientienne Palace

I just got back from a delightful little dinner with my broseph sean. It was at Vientienne Palace (picture a trailer that crashed into a gas station). There are a few good things about Vientienne Palace and they are as follows: If you want to have to run home puckering your asshole shut then this is the place for you; If you want to affirm the stereotype of fourty-something vietnamese women being the most frightening she-devils alive, this is the place for you.

The second issue of late is my feud with the chestbumping, cromagnon, bi-curious, boys above me. They are constantly peeing onto my porch from their higher balcony, and refusing to respond to my booming awesomeness when I yell "Hey Dickhead stop pissing on my porch!" I even tried adressing him with "That's cute Abercrombie boy" to which he pauses and shyly returns "its a free country." If nothing else I am honing my ability to be assertive. I know what your thinking, and yes I have read Tsun Tsu's The Art of War, and yes I understand that he who has the higher ground wins the battle. However, what if I am able to go above him? Did you ever think of that you bastard!

Finally, I would like you to take a look at this tourism video hosted by the Governator comedic genius. http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-6273516331625693260&q=arnold+brazil&hl=en

Phone Trace Technology

Dudes, check out this phone trace feature www.phonetrace.org . I can't belive that this is possible! Just type in your cell phone number and get ready to be amazed.

Mr. Paul Grant Harper

Here is a letter that was faxed to the front desk of the Best Western in Madison where Giovanna works it reades as follows:

"Dear Corporate President,
Your hotel security could use a little updating, not to mention, admitting the greedy, treasonous embezzlers, into your establishment, who did nothing but take pot shots at my life expectancy. I am a recording artist, with a diploma from the Audio Institute of America. On the front of my appartment window I have a National Trooper and Police sticker. On the back window of my apartment I have a County Police Association sticker. Then there are those who want "dibs", on all of the opportunities in my life, because they are too lazy and greedy to create their own opportunities. Take no shit from anyone on this matter. Its pretty bad when the Best Western staff has to write me a letter, which is un-opened, to prove that I called my Represenative in Peshtigo.
Sincerely Pissed Off,
Paul Grant Harper"

There was no letter written by the Best Western staff to a Mr. Paul Grant Harper

The Many Faces of Adam

Personally I think its an improvement.

Wait a minute, that Jake skiing shot was doctored! Good thing I have a copy of the original:

Skiing This Winter

I was wondering what everybody's plans for skiing this winter were. I have about the month of January off and I would like to drive out West and rip some pow. Just to entice you a bit this is what Adam, Rob, and I got last year.

Happy Black Friday

The 002

Since this blog is so light on toilet humor, here's a new 12-step program for pooping in honor of the new James Bond movie. I call it the Double-O-Two.

1. Enter bathroom
2. Remove lower garmentry
3. Sit
4. Make a gun out of index finger and thumb
5. Point gun at wall, or mirror if preferred
   
6. Push fecal matter through GI tract
   
7. Bend thumb down like trigger when turd hits toilet water
8. Make quiet shooting noise with mouth
9. Blow on tip of index finger as though it were smoking
   
10. Wipe
11. Shake, but don't stir, toilet water
12. Leave and never look back
    

You're going to die!!

http://evil.berzerker.net/death_predictions.php

Matt Williams: At age 71 you will be hit by a train while napping on the railroad tracks.

props to the cuzzins for not having one serious profile on the blogger (although the favorite books section was legitimate for the most part (which is cool.)) kerry wins the most serious profile award by giving a serious date of birth and place of residence. go kerry.

RAGE

This is the view from couch in my new apartment in Brooklyn. I feel that it may have had an adverse effect on my mental well being.

its good to see the blog is still going strong, even though rob isnt. i watched baseball so i could hear the word pujols 25 times per couple hours. kyle and dee, sean's foot is on backwords, and "im going to sketch the shit out of her, dude" is possibly the best quote iv ever heard. rob...i dont even know what to say to you. after having now been single for what seems like longer than i ever have before, our situations have reversed. I have little advice for you. everyone argues sometimes but its shitty shes attacking you personally. i come fast too, thats why i got my toungue pierced (i think im just joking.) i had no idea kelly would be that kind of girlfriend. perhaps something is shitty in her life? also, you should go bowling. its a fun game. clears your head.

failure

Three things that I am not built for are being a delivery driver, being in an argumentative relationship, and menial work on a computer. These things pretty much define my life right now. I should start bowling every night so that I can live in a permanent state of failure.

That's probably not a horrible idea actually. It would be good for my ego, which apparently needs work, as I have been called both narcissistic and condescending in the last week. These are probably the two insults that I find to be the worst. I have also been told that I cum too fast, which combined with the two previous claims against me, certainly adds to the second of the problems above.

This is the only problem really worth addressing, as both delivery driving and repetetive work are temporary and getting easier. Arguing, despite more practice in a short-time than I've ever encountered before, is not. It's fucking me all up. I couldn't enjoy my badass concert because of it, and I fear that my coming camping weekend in Utah may suffer a similar fate.

I try. I try not to argue. I try to be inoffensive, and when the heat rises, I try to end the conversation before it turns worse. These efforts have failed, so now I am begging for advice.

I can offer the following insight into my problem, so you may more effectively psychoanalyze me:
-I take every argument very personally
-I see every one as another step towards the end
-I am irritable sometimes, especially under my current status of heavy failure
-I knew from the start that things fall apart
-I don't at all enjoy arguing. I don't have the stomach for it. I have no experience with it, and am unable to think about anything besides argument lines for days after each one. I can handle few more.


And I have already received the following advice, from a guru in the field name marquise, whose reputation with girls is very strong, despite his divorce: Decide while cool-headed how much you can take. How much bad you can handle before it outweighs the good. When the scale starts to tip, tell her how you feel, that something needs to change, but make sure to do it in a nonconfrontational way. (my idea that I tell her that it will be over after 2 more fights was shot down, but I still think it has merit somehow)

So anyway, I need some advice. I like this girl very much, and for the first time in years, maybe ever, I like having a girlfriend. But at this rate, it's gon be fucked in two more fights. Thoughts?

Baseball

So baseball season has ended. It took probably 90 months. Even with the Tigers in the World Series, I was unable to watch an entire game. I would put it on in the background with music on while I did homework, and it still wasn't stimulating enough. Baseball sucks. I believe that having baseball as our national past time is the real reason why the muslim world hates us.

Fortunately, there is a solution. The venerable and esteemed Hunter S. Thompson has written some new rules of baseball. Let's Watch:

Hunter S Thompson's baseball improvements:

Eliminate the pitcher: This will take at least one hour off the length of the game. Pitchers as a group are pampered litttle swine with too much money and no real effect on the game except to drag it out and interrupt the action.

Limit all games to three (3) hours.

All base runners may run to any base. First to third, second to home, etc. and with no pitcher in the game, this frantic scrambling across the infield will be feasable and tempting.

All pitching, by the way will be done with a fine-tuned pitching machine that pops up out of the mound, delivers a remote controlled pitch to the batter, and then drops back out of sight to free up the whole infield for running...if a batter hits a grand slam, for instance, his team will score 16 bases (or 16 points)

The heroes of the game will be the catchers. Foot speed and a bazooka throwing arm will be paramount. there will be no more of this bullshit about bull pens and managers scratching their heads on TV for hours on end...

There will be no such thing as a base on balls. Each batter will get 5 pitches from the robot, and if he doesn't get a hit by then, he is Out.

...and the catcher will control the kind of drop or curve or speed he wants the machine to throw. And it will obey. These goddamn pitching machines can put a slider past you at 98 miles an hour 5 times in a row with no problem. He can even order that the batter be whacked in the ribs by a 102 mph fastball, although this will cost his team two bases instead of one. And you won't want to have some poor Cuban drilled in the ribs when you're nursing a 31-30 lead....

Art school innuendo

Do you care that I was sitting on the bus next to a couple of undergrads with full-on 'dude' manner of talking? Or that they were art students and wore rediculous clothing like a tee shirt and tie or a twisted cap, dress coat and jeans? Or that one of them was talking about a girl, and was hoping to "Sketch the shit out of her, dude".

I don't think it was deliberate innuendo, since the conversation was all about art supplies and drawing styles...but damn, I liked it.

BIg Baby

So it seems at just over 7 months our baby is in the 87th percentile for size at this stage. That means that 87 % percent of women have smaller babies at this point in the pregnancy. The doctor also said that there is a error possibility of 15% which means that the baby could either be in the 62nd percentile or 100th percentile. So what I'm getting at is this: its entirely possible that we are about to have the biggest baby, ever. Think about that.

Cuzzin Tees

Courtesy of Rob...hungry boy.



















Courtesy of Matt...not so healthy.

On the Subject of 10/25

Well I guess I'll break the silence on the night of debauchery. Super fast recap: We celebrated a fetus, then drank Makers Mark till I got drunk. Tony spent 20 on juke box ...nothing played. Bartender had big hooskies, good thing because she charged us 600 dollars...thankyou jesus. Smashed car. Taquitos, cookies. Good to see er'body. 'Nough said.

On the subject of poo holes, Albert Pujols of the St Louis Cardinals has an unfortunate last name.

I'm cooler than all y'all

Beijing's Penis Emporium

Seriously

An excerpt:

Nestling beside the dog's penis are its clammy testicles, and beside that a giant salami-shaped object.
"Donkey," says Nancy. "Good for the skin..."
She guides me round the penis platter.
"Snake. Very potent. They have two penises each."
I did not know that.

Daily Rubb #3 The Rubbiest Rubb yet

-I had a very motherly verbal reaction to the pictures of newly born Sean Smith and would have probably been dominated for it had I been in a biker-bar. Congratulations to Kyle and Dee for making a person.
And thank you for being on top of picture distribution.
Matt wishes I could learn something from that.
What's your address Matt?

-If old school nintendo were real life, i'd be dining on shark meat for a fortnight. I have vanquished Jaws. Here's a description of JAWS the game that I found amusing.
"Unfortunately, the only connection this game has to the movie is that they're both about a shark. You (the player) are a scuba diver
(Scheider? Who knows?) with a harpoon gun, firing at seemingly helpless sea
creatures until JAWS happens to appear. They don't give you any motivation,
though...there is no mention of the countless beachgoers and young coeds that
JAWS has devoured. You just plunk around until a shark that's bigger than the
rest comes onscreen, and then you harpoon that for a while. "
Thank you to Dee for giving me Jaws.

-That's 1 and a half thankyous to Dee so far.

-I am drinking tea. 2 tea-bags in one cup is an idea that I am embarassed for not coming up with earlier. This idea was brought to you by the color green.

-Mulatu Astatke wins my award for best chill african music. Sorry Ali Farka Toure.

-hereby soliciting requests for good foreign music.

-Working at the hickory house. Today my employee meal was two park sandwiches and 8 hot wings.

-A tribe called quest wins my award for best concert of the year. Toots and the Maytals (roots reggae) gets second.

-T Shirt Hell has some very offensive T-Shirts.


-Someone should come to Vegoose with me.

Japanese Tongue Twister

http://www.glumbert.com/media/tonguetwister.html

Borat Movie

So it appears there is a Borat Movie

If any of you don't know, Borat is the best character on the Ali G show. I think the movie comes out any day now. I found some deleted scenes. When you get to the youtube site, watch the cheese one also.

Sean Smith

Telluride Piece

I was recently given my first ever press pass. background is that a kid I knew in High school started a magazine. Funny tangent, he originally decided, at Bonnaroo, that he was going to start a fake magazine whose sole purpose was to get him press credentials, but while making this happen, realized a real magazine would be just as easy and more fun. Anyway, I was given this pass to the Telluride Blues and Brews festival, and wrote this piece about it. I told him to expect something unusual...

2006 Telluride Blues and Brews Festival

The 2006 Telluride Blues and Brews Festival(link29) has come and gone. I happened to be there, and am here to tell my story.

For those of you who do not know, Telluride is nestled in an extremely scenic part of the San Juan Mountains in Colorado. Also, for those of you who do not know, great music, delicious microbrews and a colorful magic-carpet mountain setting tend to go fairly well together.

(pic of whole scene)

The festival is 3 days long, and because it started early on Friday (noon), the intelligent festival-goers, such as myself, arrived Thursday afternoon and started drinking. Hard.

Tents were constructed and Colorado microbrews were drank. The Oskar Blues microbrewery (link1) in Lyons, Colorado makes a few great canned beers including the phonetically pleasing Dale’s Pale Ale and the dead-serious Old Chub Scottish style ale. It felt right. The camping set-up was better than any festival I have been to, great scenery and seclusion were available to those who sought them.

As the night went on, bars were patronized, microbrews were slurped (New Blegium, Ska Brewing company, Flying Dog), (links2-4) music was heard, and timeless truths were attained (I bet girls that play professional volleyball give really good spankings.)

(photoshopped pic of volleyball player spiking/spanking)

Pizza was also consumed at the delicious Brown Dog Pizza place. The waitress gave us her phone number and free pizza, so it became inappropriate for me to deface the life-size, cardboard Joe Paterno, who had been giving me a stern, disapproving look since we arrived.

There are three saloons in Telluride, which has to be one of the higher per-capita saloon levels for a town this century. The Dynamites(link5) played at one of these on Thursday night. They played hard and they played funky. Their singer was short. And he was funky.

The festival began the next morning. It felt like Sunday to me, but it also felt like those first days of summer when you’re a kid, and you just have absolutely endless time for play ahead of you. I woke up to people quoting the Jaws movie outside my tent, which had allowed entrance of plenty of rainwater over the night. I cared not. There were blues to be heard.

Friend and Kemiks founder Jonny had arrived by this time, and together we jumped ear-first into the tide of the festival. Jimbo Mathus(Link6) and Lightnin’ Malcolm(Link7) were a solid start, and James Blood Ulmer(Link8) provided an early highlight. The man is blues. He has a look like he could open his mouth and 12 or 16 bars of blue guitar notes would come out, depending on what he had eaten. His music takes you to a different place.

(pic of James Blood Ulmer)

The crowd was older, but they were rockin’, and they were hard-drinkin’. I was not offered drugs a single time, but I think I heard someone slanging some “heady Lipitor.” After 5 hours of music, there were surprisingly few signs of fatigue, and that little bit were effortlessly wiped out by Bobby Rush.

(pic of crowd)

Something about the blues can keep a man young, and this phenomenon was evident in the crowd and personified by Mr. Rush. The man is 73 years old and looks in his early 40s. He has released 249 records, and plays like he still has to prove himself with every note.

He was a hard act to follow, but Lou Reed(Link9) closed down the evening in style. “Waitin’ for the Man” set the crowd off, and they were still talking about his version of “The Raven” (Link 10) when the festival ended.

(pic of Lou Reed)

For those of us who felt six shows and a blues competition were not enough for one day, one could exchange $25 for a wrist-band that provided entrance to all the Juke Joints, or night-shows. After all, nothing accompanies a day of blues and brews like a night of blues and brews.

I managed to attend four more shows at four more bars that evening, but can offer few details. There was even great Blues at the local Elks(link 11) chapter, which provided a lovely ambiance for my long-awaited deuce on a real toilet. That thing was a porcelain God, and as one does whenever one encounters a deity, I left a generous offering. At another saloon, James Blood Ulmer laid down some sweet sounds that perfectly complimented my New Belgium 1554, one of the finer beers on the planet. I also recall following through with my brilliant idea of smuggling a pint of Smugglers Pale(link 12) between the Jimbo Mathus/Lightnin’ Malcolm show and the Watermelon Slim (link 13)show.

(pic of one of these shows)

These are the days that can only happen at a festival. And we had two more left. Needless to say, the still wet tent full of 30 degree air provided a wonderful night’s sleep after all that, and Saturday was greeted with hung-over, yet open, arms.

The beer festival started at noon. The idea of offering all the beer one can drink, from over 100 taps, at 12 PM, to some must seem like the devil’s work, but we at Telluride that sunny afternoon thought it a grand idea, and a grand time for the Grand Tasting. We knew it was going to be a long day, and made a serious point of reminding ourselves to eat amidst the 14 hour stupor that lay ahead of us.

For the purpose of accurate journalism, I tallied my beers drank on my arm, and for the purpose of Gonzo Journalism (link 14), I aimed to make that number disgustingly high.

When noon struck, and the taps started flowing, it looked like it will probably look at Wrigley Field if the Cubs were to ever win the penant. A sea of smiles, embracing the tide of beer that stood before them.

(pic of tasting)

We were given 6oz cups, and with 55 microbreweries(Link 15), with an average of 3 different beers each, and a strong personal desire to try each one…..well I couldn’t do the math at the time, but here it is: 55 X 3 X 6 = 990 ounces, or 82 ½ beers. I knew it would be wise to dump out at least half of every cup, to be able to try more brews, but I just couldn’t give the grass of Telluride Town Park that kind of luxury treatment. I drank mostly stouts, and remember Three Rivers (Link 16), Flying Dog(link 4) and Bristol (Link17) being among my favorites. There was also a Bierbitzch (link18) brewing company, which won the award for best merchandise.

(Pic of bierbitzsch shirt)

The first hour was blissful. Joey Gilmore(link19) harmonized over the cheers and gulping sounds, and we all took advantage of our still-present ability to discern flavors. Buzzes were quickly acquired. The second hour was lovely as well. Stomachs were full and reminders of the virtue of patience were plentiful. I had about fifteen tallies on my arm, and still felt strong. Watermelon Slim provided the music, but I think my ears were clogged with barley and hops.

The third hour was….different. As it tends to happen with those drawn out drinking sprints, I went from feeling pretty well to completely losing my shit in a matter of moments. I was in yet another line, sipping yet another beer, and was slapped in the face by the imminence of voluminous vomit. I made it most of the way to the row of porto-johns, but upon noticing lines for all of them I was forced to let loose in the middle of the crowd. I quickly walked away from the scene of that crime but felt another coming on. I saw some little kids running around, and didn’t want to hit any of them with a Technicolor yawn, but my attempt to channel the next blast into my cup was ineffective, as it was only 6 ounces and had been filled up 18 times in the last two hours. That scene was fled as well, amidst a few little voices saying “ewww gross.” I made my way to the water faucet, rinsed my cup, attempted to clean my sweatshirt, gave up and took off my sweatshirt, and wandered over to the stage.

Grace Potter(link20) was rocking out, and by the time the next song began, I felt like a new man. I lowered my beer-goal to twenty, and set off to find Jon, who was probably wondering why I just ran away mid-sentence, and achieve my new goal. A blonde and a stout did me well, as they would for any ma, whether their form be beer or lady. All the sudden it was 3:00, we were filthy drunk, and had a whole afternoon full of blues, sunshine and college football ahead of us.

Naturally, I can provide little insight into the events of that afternoon. I know that I punched a picture of Ben Wallace and broke the frame, which surprised me because I’m a very jolly drunk, and was not even aware that I hated Ben Wallace. We watched Michigan trounce Notre Dame while I drank Pabsts at the Brown Dog. I heard it was great pizza, but I was personally in no position to objectively judge the quality of food, women or most anything else. I still had the capacity to know some kickass music when I heard it, and hear it I did. I think I also fell asleep somewhere.

(do we have pics of any of this?)

We stumbled back into the festival in time to hear Howard Tate(Link21) and Bruce Hornsby and the Noisemakers(link22). They were both probably good. I was reminded that we were not the only people painfully drunk for that early hour, which warmed my heart and filled my glass.

(pic of pants-pee guy)

Night fell with a cold vengeance some time during one of these sets, and we sought shelter in the only way two intelligent, drunken men could. In a Gondola. The Gondola took us up to the Telluride Mountain Village, where we warmed ourselves over rye beers and got funky with the Dirty Dozen Brass Band(Link23). They brought me back to life, and I remember it well, as one of my favorite shows of the weekend.

It ended, and we somehow managed to press on. We saw the ends of a Tab Benoit(link24) set, which was solid, and an even better Watermelon Slim(link13) encore, which marked his third show of the weekend. It also marked the point where I could not physically stay up any longer. We had vowed to attend the 2AM Backyard Groove, but we were devastated by last call at 1:30. It’s a strange, uncomfortable feeling to be drunk and hung-over at the same time, and after being finally unable to buy more beer, I was ready for it to be over.

I was given a tostado on the way home, and being unable to eat it while stumbling through the dark towards my tent, I brought it into my sleeping bag with me. It was a day where trying to eat a sloppy tostado while completely submerged into a polar sleeping bag was not nearly the dumbest or most challenging task. Sleep took me at about bite number three. It embraced me like a wife embraces a young soldier home from Iraq, but it was far less tender to the tostado.

Sunday began poorly. I made it to Blues For Breakfast, but attendance was limited, presumably because many festival-goers, like myself, had the too-hung-over-to-eat-blues. We brought chairs into the festival that day, and participated in one of the deepest chills I have ever known. The sun was shining, the hangover was sedated, and the chairs fit perfectly. A cascade of bands came and left, and we chilled right through it.

The Voice of the Wetlands Allstars(Link25) managed to finally get us out of our chairs, and we used the opportunity to buy some cool shit(Link26)from a vendor. They had a guy on stilts and a guy in some sort of full dress and a strong New Orleans groove that had the crowd moving on puppet-strings. Joe Louis Walker(link27) kept us going, and John Mayer(Link28) closed it out with a great set, that once again reminded the crowd he was more than just a pretty face, although that screaming adolescent girl factor did rear it’s ugly, braces-wearing head.

(pic of mayer or mayer fans)

The festival ended with that feeling all festivals end with; a pining eagerness for a bed and some down-time, combined with a sadness that the whole beautiful thing is over. I was left with a new appreciation for the blues, a reminder of why I love festivals, and a resolution to take a good week off of the sauce. I hope I’ve left you with all these. If not, well, get your ass to Telluride next September. Bitch.

Link1 - http://www.oskarblues.com/
Link2 - http://www.newbelgium.com/
Link3 - http://www.skabrewing.com/
Link4 - http://www.flyingdogales.com/
Link5 - http://www.myspace.com/thedynamitesband
Link6 - http://www.myspace.com/jimbomathus
Link7 - http://www.lightninmalcolm.com/
Link8 - http://www.hyenarecords.com/james.htm
Link9 - http://www.loureed.org/
Link10 - http://www.comnet.ca/~forrest/raven.html
Link11 - http://www.elks.org/
Link12 - (smugglers brewpub)
Link13 - http://www.watermelonslim.com/
Link14 - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gonzo_journalism
Link15- http://www.tellurideblues.com/2004/breweries.html
Link16 - http://www.threeriversbrewery.com
Link17 - http://www.bristolbrewing.com/
Link18 - http://www.bierbitzch.com/
Link19 - http://www.joeygilmore.net/
Link20 - http://www.gracepotter.com/
Link21 - www.howardtate.net
Link22 - http://www.brucehornsby.com/
Link23 - http://www.dirtydozenbrass.com/
Link24 - http://www.tabbenoit.com/
Link25http://www.voiceofthewetlands.com/sunshine.htm
Link26 - http://www.harmonikstones.com/bottles.php
Link27 - en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joe_Louis_Walker
Link28 - http://www.myspace.com/johnmayer
Link29 - http://www.tellurideblues.com/

s.a.f.e.t.y dance

Shiiiiit...I'm just talkin 'bout groovin'!

South Park

Every South Park episode, free for watching.

Favorites?

The Family Business!

http://www.meaningfulfunerals.net/fh/services/products.cfm?product=urns&fh_id=10367

I want either the Golfer's Paradise or the Dolphins in Harmony

Mallort

You guys should all go out and buy this stuff:

http://www.expotv.com/videos/Beer,_Wine_&_Liquor/Mallort/74,7078/


Also, www.expotv.com is actually a mildly amusing website if you're bored and want to see what regular joe-schmos think of different consumer products.

911 Cover Up

Wondering what y'all might think of this.

It's real long, but well-done and provacative, whatever you believe.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-5946593973848835726

If that doesn't work just go to video.google.com and type 911 cover up. You want the 1 hr 22 min. one. give 'er a try some time you got time.

Too bad Woodward and the Bernstein bear aren't here.

Found Him!

There he is! Right next to the titty!

Its time for another installment of.................

Where's Adam?

Dear Stuggles,

If you ever wish to officially revise, or perhaps categorically deny, your stance on the potential of dogs to "rule," I'll understand.

The Daily Rubb

-Some plant or plant dwelling hell-creature stung my hand and turned it into a rubber glove full of pink goo.

-As my status with the lovely Aspen girl, who refuses to make out, progresses, I found myself jumping up and down on home plate and missing the base-rounding.

-I survived the Temptation Island weekend of two hot ex-girlfriends and some gorgeous latina sitting at the bar by herself, being set up with me by two drunken old ladies from indiana, who got relinquished to an ass-hole bartender.

-One of said drunken old ladies informed me that most guys either have girlfriends or are assholes. My lack of hitting on gorgoues latina reveals that I am either in category A, or still lacking the mack skills highly regarded in my days of adolescence.

-A Kona-doggy chasing an agile chupmunk around a living room is a good way to wreck a living room and a bad time to teach a Kona-doggy the virtue of patience.

-marijuana and waitering to not mix.

-I seek not refuge.

-Orange Juice has been upgraded to delicious.

-I'm going to the Jazz Festival today, which instead of jazz features gimicky musicians listed here followed by gimmick. Polyphonic Spree (robes), Keller Williams (too many instruments/lack of other band members), and Matisyahu (Judaism). Then Backpacking 3 days, then J5/Sountribe at RedRocks, then a few days of work where I will be lectured about taking too many days off, then more days off for Dalai Lama, Tribe Called Quest, and a Telluride Blues and Brews Festival, which will be my first attempt at Gonzo Journalism.

Warning!

This is what happens if you watch THE RING and
ALIEN simultaneously while pregnant.

Cheap Date

Passing the torch

This may be a little over due but I'm stepping down from my position as Family Dingdong. Kate and Adam can now battle wits in acts of ludicrous delirium for the title. I can already see that it will be a formidable match.

I am a Betty Crocker Disciple

mmmm.... looks exactly the the box told me it would look

back2backpack

bakbak

right after the backpacked journey, Jurassic5 and Sound Tribe Sector 9 are playing at red rocks. I plan on going. You should too. september 9.

-concert+cousin=cournoey

Poop disease

So I have so fortunately been granted a wonderful notable disease while visiting this wonderful country, New Zealand, which doesnt have such wonderful health requirements on their processing of chicken. I now have a lovely disease of compylobacter which is transmitted through the POO of birds, animals, and humans!!! Or supposedly in my case it is transmitted from a piece of chicken from a restuant that has not been cooked enough ( no, I have not been munching on bird crap). Also, in the last week I have been stopped by about 6 people thinking that I was their best friend.... apparently I look like a lot of New Zealanders even though every girl here wears ankle tight jeans, converse all stars and a puffy jacket from Katmandu (local REI) and are on BZP every night. Oh and BZP is speed which is legal here and that is retarted!!! At least I have found comfort in my hot water bottle which is possible the best invention ever, I cant believe we dont have them at home. You put steaming water in a sack and cuddle with it all night....sounds so good right??? It just sucks when the divits in it leave lines on my face for half of the next day because I was squeezing the shit out of it with my face! Cars are cheap here and nail polish is like gold....wierdos

Quote of the week

"I've had it with these snakes on the plane." -Samuel L. Jackson

from Snakes on a Plane

http://www.primotechnology.com/hosted/alex/snakes.htm

Short Version of Lebowskiowski.

Not sure how many of you were hit hard by the lebowski craze that claimed so many of my peers, but here's some good lebowski: every fuck strung together. enjoy.

Rock On Tour

Saw the Raconteurs last night. Fantastic show. Way better than the album, which is also good. Jack White is ripped.

Then we went to a bar. After drinking and losing at cricket to some dude with a leather travel dart case, we drive home. A skateboard guy runs out into the street in front of us, but doubles back instead of getting hit. Naturally, we roll down our windows and yell, "Wooooooaaa, budy!". Moments later we realize he's running after us and throwing his skateboard at our car, which misses completely. So we say, "Nice try buddy!" and drive offf. I'm all for downtown skating, but not if it involves throwing the board at cars. I'm just not going to support that, man.

The Daily Rubb

-Farting in the shower, with your back to the water, makes a great sound.
-I ate some buffalo chicken pizza. It was tasty but my stomach made a big stink about it.
-Chugging pepto from the bottle is strangely gangsta.
-I work at the Cooper Street Bar now. I wait tables and eat pretzels. I will soon reinstate the ritual of asking trivia questions, mostly simpsons-related, for free drinks.
-I got high and had a bunch of guinnesses and started making guiness mixed drinks, such as guiness, baileys, ice cream and peanut butter.
-New phrase for maasturbation: Rough up the suspect.
-New silly sex move: The Spider Man: masturbate, squirt in hand, fling at terrorist.
-New favorite book: Still Life w/ Woodpecker
-New Zealander: Kate.
-New Extreme Sport: Kite Tubing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7H0k9Uvt2os&search=kite%20tubing
-A Tribe Called Quest is playing some shows next month.
-Soulive is the best live band.
-Stupid sentence: I'd rather be in a muff then a muffin.


This Daily Rubb has been brought to you by buttpoo.

The longest ride

I hop on the bus labeled "northbound", but notice that it's heading south instead. The driver tells me she forgot to switch the sign. On top of that, I later notice that she's heading through the neighborhoods--not on the route. Just when I notice, she proclaims, "Darn it, I'm driving home! Jeesh." So, I was forced to enjoy the extra thirty minutes that it took for the bus to loop back around northbound and also the added little trip to the driver's home while she spaced out. She almost hit a car as well, butI think it was the car's fault.

What will I do tonight?

I will be watching all episodes of Faces of Death back to back, lights off, heat on full blast, holding a knife or some sort of hatchet, and mercilessly scratching my poison ivy rash.

Gotta get my kicks before the baby comes, dig.

MIA

I think I may be the only one posting stuff on this blog. The following people should be ashamed of themselves as cousins:
Magburger, Kerry, Kate, Adam, Jeremy, Molly, and to a lesser extent Kaiser Wilhelm. Boo

Return of the Mummy

Despite several successful years in the mountain bike industry Adam has decided to become a mummy. I thought I should be the one to tell you guys because all he can say is "Mrgghh", "Aaarghh", and "grrrrrngh" right now and I'm not sure you would undertand. He seems extremely content in his decision though doesn't he. He'll make a great mummy.