Baseball

So baseball season has ended. It took probably 90 months. Even with the Tigers in the World Series, I was unable to watch an entire game. I would put it on in the background with music on while I did homework, and it still wasn't stimulating enough. Baseball sucks. I believe that having baseball as our national past time is the real reason why the muslim world hates us.

Fortunately, there is a solution. The venerable and esteemed Hunter S. Thompson has written some new rules of baseball. Let's Watch:

Hunter S Thompson's baseball improvements:

Eliminate the pitcher: This will take at least one hour off the length of the game. Pitchers as a group are pampered litttle swine with too much money and no real effect on the game except to drag it out and interrupt the action.

Limit all games to three (3) hours.

All base runners may run to any base. First to third, second to home, etc. and with no pitcher in the game, this frantic scrambling across the infield will be feasable and tempting.

All pitching, by the way will be done with a fine-tuned pitching machine that pops up out of the mound, delivers a remote controlled pitch to the batter, and then drops back out of sight to free up the whole infield for running...if a batter hits a grand slam, for instance, his team will score 16 bases (or 16 points)

The heroes of the game will be the catchers. Foot speed and a bazooka throwing arm will be paramount. there will be no more of this bullshit about bull pens and managers scratching their heads on TV for hours on end...

There will be no such thing as a base on balls. Each batter will get 5 pitches from the robot, and if he doesn't get a hit by then, he is Out.

...and the catcher will control the kind of drop or curve or speed he wants the machine to throw. And it will obey. These goddamn pitching machines can put a slider past you at 98 miles an hour 5 times in a row with no problem. He can even order that the batter be whacked in the ribs by a 102 mph fastball, although this will cost his team two bases instead of one. And you won't want to have some poor Cuban drilled in the ribs when you're nursing a 31-30 lead....