Uglier Than Lucy

By a landslide.



It looks like the clown from Twisted Metal.

suck ass jake

I suck ass I still haven't found a job yet and am looking hard. My landlord kicked me out of my apartment so he could refinish the floors, and my knee hurts. I worked at a mexican restaurant for a while but when they told me that i didn't button my pants the right way, and I was not walking up to par with restaurant walking standards and that I'd have to change my gait, I quit. I also worked 23 hours in just over 2 days and only made $100 pesos. so now I am poor, sullen, tired, and suck assy. I went in for an interview with a UW telemarketing donation bullshite and somewhere in the interview told them that the job was monotonous and that the only good thing was that it was indoors. Even Sean got that job. aye! REI is still waiting to call me back for an interview. I am going to apply to Erehwon, the schwinn gt and mongoose world headquarters for internship, starbucks as barista, thatts all for now.

Camping on Basalt Mountain 

The Color Red

Well I'm back from an incredible trip to Colorado. Much thanks to Senor Rob for the use of his pad(my door is always open should you like to visit the apex of hell). I had alot of time for introspection while I was away. These are a few of my thoughts:

-Things do NOT happen for a reason. Reason is completely subjective and therefore holds no sway over causality. This thought actually makes me feel more comfortable.

-I have started to notice the unusual attachments I have to certain innaniment objects. Take my favorite t-shirt for example. I've had it for nearly a decade and have recently decided to only wear it selectively because of its deteriorating condition. How strange. I also realized that I love my dog more than most humans(relatives excluded). I will need to ponder this odd behavioral patterns for a long time.

-I have also decided that my two worst faults are materialism and impatience. I plan to remedy this as quickly as possible, though I believe it may take some time. In the words of Yoda, "You must unlearn what you have learned." Very true little green guy, very true.

-Kill your TV(I plan to shortly)

-Bumper sticker sighting: Keep your Rosaries off my Ovaries -pretty good although I found it odd to see a 80 yr. old woman driving the car(I don't think anyone wants those ovaries)

I have alot more thoughts, but I want to refine them first because I am confused as to whether they are mine or a product of the books I have recently read. I also have some awesome photos to post. Hope all is well with everyone.

Burt Reynolds' unparalleled machismo

if I was burt, I wouldn't have acted any differently

http://cbsnewyork.com/topstories/local_story_145094335.html

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2005/05/25/earlyshow/leisure/celebspot/main697613.shtml

he loves his work

I am inter-less

I don't have access to an internet...well I do but I have to walk to it. so my submisions to this forum will be few and far between. I have left a life on the road for the more mundane "workman's lifestyle." I don't have a job yet, however, and am so board and tired. sweat drips down my back and slides down alas beyond my dirt cave

apricots

have you ever had an apricot?

my god, they are fucking delicious

maybe it's that i was hungry and lucid, but good lord, that thing was tasty

i'm eating a chimichanga right now, and i'm a little dismayed to say i liked teh apricot better. although the chimi was made by little juan and cost well under one (1) dollar.

hooo boy

okay, pull yourself together, stop talking about the apricot

so i didn't get dream job. let us never speak of it again.

the snowmass chilli and brew festival is not to be missed. for $25 dollars i was treated to 3 hours of speedy microbrew sampling, all the free chilli i could eat from tons of vendors and a spearhead concert. And I have now officially declared myself a member of the polar bear club. I fetched a frisby out of a water treatment pond half way up snowmass, but that's not all. i also jumped in the punch bowl (awesomefun) but there's more. somewhere above tree line on independence pass we saw a snowy hill/peak and decided it was sledding time. we equpped with 2 frisbys, a laundry basket and a cooler lid and started heading toward it through about 6 inch deep snow, all in shorts, one in sandals. after a few minutes, it was getting a bit cold on the feets, and some started talking abotu heading back. i responded by making a mad sprint at the hill. as i approached i realized that the snow i was breaking with each step was covering about a foot of water. cold cold water. i ran out until i lost a show, freaked out, took my other shoe and both socks off and stood in my laundry basket massaging my feet and feeling doomed. i was then inspired by being passed by the sandal clad crew member, poured the water out my shows and headed up. sledding didnt work, the sleds just sunk in. the hike back was horrible. unlike apricots, which are delicious. panic in 4 days.

IQ Test

I've created an IQ test that will examine you as human being. Using an in depth formula I can calculate your place in society. As a great philosopher once said, "Standardized tests are the only reliable format that can tell you who you are." Please answer truthfully, as I stated before in a previous sentence on an unrelated posting, this is very scientific. The questions will differ in intensity and depth so take your time answering. Thank you for your time and good luck, I will post the results after the tests are in. Special thanks to Lizard for her contributions.

1. How would you describe your facial hair?
a)Post-bender stubble
b)Grizzly Adams
c)Smooth as Paris Hillton's beaver
d)Magnum PI

2.What is your favorite color?
a)Teal
b)Mist
c)Aqua
d)Cobalt

3.Four trains are travelling to New York, which will arrive first? The one from...
a)Mystic, CT
b)No Name, CO
c)Tuscaloosa, AL
d)Dooganville, PA

4. There's a spider at your front door, a snake at the window, and a scorpion on the phone. Do you-
a)None of the below
b)Answer the call because scorpions can't sting over the phone
c)Eat the spider because its a hallucinogenic Peruvian Tarantula
d)Wait for the snake to eat the trippy spider

5.What article of clothing are you more likely to wear
a)Capri pants
b)Tank top
c)Dickie
d)Ascot

6.How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop?
a)Who cares?
b)Give me back my sucker you fucking owl
c)2,345
d)2,346

7.If you were stranded on a deserted island what thing could you not live without.
a)Hot fudge to compliment all the desert
b)Sweet, sweet titties
c)The Lifetime Channel
d)Capri pants

8.You are riding the subway and an attractive person is standing next to you with a nipple popping out, do you.....
a)Put on your sunglasses so you can stare without getting caught
b)Try to hide your boner
c)Politely call it to his attention
d)Tap the guy next to you so he can see too

9. How would you describe your favortite sexual experience
a)Rootie tootie fresh and fruity
b)Moons over my hammie
c)Table for one please
d)Eggs benedict with a side of sausage

10. Which song would best describe your personality
a)Its Raining Men
b)Purple Rain
c)Rain drops keep falling on my head
d)Blame it on the rain

Guess who? 

ashtray eyes

My eyes burn so good. Like steel wool on a rotary tool in my arse. I threw out my hip while I was trying to sleep. Aye aye aye!

I miss Bumperdank Wangstoner
this is the site of the cuzzins: cournoyer
ricky martin is caliente
but enrique is not so suave mente

I Cunt Sleep

I sure can't sleep right now. Spicy-Maggie-Sandwich fed me some sort of insane crazy (redundant) coffee and rum drink at midnight and I'm wired out of my gourd. I'm still wired and its like 3 hours later. I am drinking raspberry lemonade...pronounced Lemonaad. SHut up richard
I see a tree
With boughs 'n' leaves of three
I see a chimney
'N' I put too many pills in me
I see a flower
Haven't yet had today's shower
But now its time to flee
With my chain, lock, 'n' key!

I make a mean meatball calzone. 

Coming soon..............

Guess The Cousin Part II

Frustrated!!

I have been trying to write some songs lately--trying to put together my guitar playing with maybe some brief song writing I have done. Whoa is me! Its hard as a fuckin' 'ell. Its like trying to rub your stomach and tap your head for hours at a time without ever even puting anything together even close to resembling the task. I want to jump out of my skin...its itchy. I spent like 4 days at the cottage doing nothing but playing all day and still, nothing. errrrrrreghhghggggggg. Id almost rather live in New York...wait, no still not even close. I'm sure you've had similar frustrations: having a vague idea of a very specific piece(writing, work, playing instruments) yet making no progress towards it. Maybe i'll take a break from it for a day or so. Yeah! that's it. That's going to work. Thanks for the help.

My answers

-1-
“If Your Car Is Old Enough, Driving Is An Adventure Too”

”Alright. Stay calm …stop the car…we can handle this. Okay. We’re going to need some flashlights...where did we pack those….ah yes, they, along with everything else, were in the trunk attached to the roof, which just moments ago was splattered across the highway by an 18-wheeler. Relax…look, there’s the beer. Mmmm.”

Those were basically my thoughts at 1:54 this morning.

The crew had been awoken by the jarring sound of our rear axle breaking free of the 1977 Station Wagon and my screams of confused profanity. We were faced with the immediate task of foraging the 2AM highway for the vast majority of our gear.

Shoes, rope, clothes, Pabsts, everything; smashed and strewn across the highway. We’re all guessing that Dave, who takes great pride in the quality of our equipment, will be having nightmares about our little ground zero for weeks.

We armed ourselves with beers and our 2 remaining headlamps and went foraging.
I caught one funny disapproving glance from a driver who apparently thought I was so trashed that I believed I was spelunking the ditch next to the highway.

We found everything but a few Pabsts and a shoe, and despite our belief in the “never leave a man behind” mantra, turned our attention to the injured Wagon.

After a few minutes of head-scratching and cursing we concluded that the best solution would be to proceed with our plan of donning bandanas and “hijacking” the Toltec Train in Alamosa, and assume that some car-fairies would fix the wagon while we were away being bandits. So we raised our thumbs and were quickly picked up by a truck-load of errant Eskimos speeding towards the border. But that’s a different story altogether.











-2-
Yes, I grudgingly admit a cell-phone in the backcountry is a good idea. In my experience, Sprint does well with Rocky Mountain reception.

I’d love to say no, because fuck cell-phones. We’re out here for adventure and escape and the cell-phone violates both of these.

But yeah, there’s just too many things that can happen that would require a 9-1-1 call. Especially considering that a fearless-pursuit-of-adventure mentality is multiplied when surrounded by people with a similar approach.

Plus, 9-1-1 operators are now mandated by the FCC to be able to trace all wireless calls.

Climbing with a rope does take away a bit of the danger-thrill, but you do it anyway. There are lives at stake.

Anyway, that damn writer is going to need regular internet access to post his manic writings to the forum, so it’s not like we’re really cutting the strings to society.

However, I would not, under even the most extreme circumstances, condone the use of one of those little head-sets. Or, for that matter, the text-message.

























-3-
If you’ve lost your ability to laugh at poop-jokes, you’re taking life too seriously.

Despite my unwavering fondness for this type of humor, as a passenger in this putrid station wagon of doom, I’d see it as more of a problem than a joke. We’d have to pull-over, the seat would likely be stained, and there’s a possibility of vomitus. That’s at least a ten minute delay.

But it is funny. Especially if they were someone else’s shorts. Or if we went back to the store where they were purchased and attempted to return them unwashed.

In the name of Gonzo Journalism it seems only fair to cover it in depth, take pictures, refuse him my extra pants, and blast it all over the internet with his name and address attached. Especially if it was me. If it occurred to someone more concerned with obtaining an upstanding, feces-free reputation, I could write the post with an anonymous assailant. The community would then be asked to guess which team member committed the foul deed.

Here’s the beginning of my article:

“The Funkiest Thing to Happen to Shorts Since James Brown Recorded “Hot Pants”

Combine 1 part questionable Mexican Food, 8 parts Pabst Blue Ribbon, marinate for 7 hours, add 2 parts Cowboy Coffee, shake vigorously. Whatever it is you’re left with, we were all struggling to contain it this morning.

It was a battle, like trying to keep a greased pig away from a pile of Big Macs. One crew member, who prefers to remain anonymous for some reason, got outmaneuvered and combusted into his Patagonia Rhythm shorts. At first I thought, we’re going to be okay here, Patagonia’s website guarantees that the crotch of the shorts “is gusseted for multidirectional use.” But I was quickly hit with the smell of…

Writing Advice

So I've got a huge writing assignment that needs to be completed by wednesday. I'd appreciate any advice, thoughts, etc. I'll post what I send to them on wednesday.

So I found my dream job on craigs list. Actually it's probably several of our dream jobs.
Here's the posting for the job: http://denver.craigslist.org/wri/74281655.html

I submitted my resume and writing sample, and am 1 of 15 finalists. I need to answer these 3 questions in 300 words or less, by weds at noon.


1. It is dark. You're 60 miles outside of Alamosa, Colorado. You're
traveling in a 1977 Dodge Royal Monaco Brougham station wagon (no,
really you are). The axle falls off (no, really, it might), throwing
your roof rack full of gear into the path of an oncoming semi (that
doesn't stop), your crew mates are passed out. What the hell just
happened?

2. Cell phone in the backcountry or not? Why?

3. Can you tell us what you would find valuable (from a journal entry
point of view) from this scenario, and what you could bring to the
fouram.pro website the following day:

After a long, hard, night of roadside Mexican food and Pabst Blue

Ribbon, the group is making their way to a local trailhead for a hike. Some of the members are getting a harsh reaction to the Cowboy coffee
that was served campside that morning. Unfortunately, one of the members gets an instantaneous blow out that soils a brand new pair of Patagonia Rhythm shorts. We're talking major catastrophic loss of control here.

First of all.is this funny? Or, is this something that we need to keep on the down low?

Write how you would treat this event, or not?




pretty cool questions, eh? I'm having some fun with them already. lemme know whatcha think

mu

Hello, My little hairy friends. Today's task is to meet somebody new. I met a huge fat cigar shop owner. He was funny. I will see him again for a smoke and coffee in his little shitty cigar shop. I played butt-hunter and it is a funny game. I am going to go to the cottage tonight and maybe go on a canoe trip this weekend. I am going to go to Colorado sometime around the 20th and stay for a week or so, so look for me to be stopping in a Colorado city near you. I am having chicken patties for lunch.....dos. I just started to record some guitar stuff onto a handheld tape recorder so I can remember what I have played. I smoked a cigar and had a grande cup of coffee, I am pretty zoned right now, and I am going to take a grande corn relish shite in the toilet. I saw a M.I.L.F at the farmers market. I ran around the lake the other day to relieve stress it was like upwards of 10 miles. I want to work in this old classical book store, I went there today and farted all over the basement of it....note to self: farts in old book stores do not combine to make a good smell. New White Stripes album is coming out soon, I suggest everyone buy it and listen. Jack White is an artist his machismo overflows like the Ganges in monsoon season. Without porn there is not internet. Love, Kaiser Wilhelm II

Butt Hunter

Good times for the whole family.


http://www.killsometime.com/games/game.asp?Game=Butt-Hunter

Guess the cousin 

notice the cheers

http://www.muchosucko.com/video-trampolinebear.html

revenge on rob smith

I have returned from my jedi training in the wood of Lodi. I learned to use the Force to wipe my ass. I now am in Boulder showing my light saber to all the LA princesses. But I yearn for princess Amygdala. I plan to return to and take out my revenge on Rob Smith for his strong attack of the spoons overcame my powers. Little does he know that I plan on releasing my ultimate weapon on him.........my Brown Star! capable of ultimate destruction. Die Obi Wan KaRobbie!!

Darth Jaker 

Bloody Penguin game

This game rocks if you're bored. I got 995.7 feet.



http://www.killsometime.com/games/game.asp?Game=SmackTheBloodyPenguin

Alternatively, how about not having a philosophy? Roll with the punches, so to speak.

Although that could be considered a philosophy itself. Darn, it's inescapable (smacks self on head).

In other punching news, I thought I'd badmouth a band you all love called Widespread Panic: they're super boring. Ha! Swing away.

2 quick relationships

To me, the ideal realtionship starts with some honesty. You discuss the things you like to do, you find out what matches up, and you do those thigns together, You don't start giving each other rules and expecting the other person to fill all the other spots taht you need filled. I say radical honesty the whole time, always know where you each stand.

So I had this working for a while, once a week we matched up for dinner, conversation or a couch movie and some sex. then she told me she loved me, and I told her i didn't so much love her. In fact, I love a girl from my past still probably. So that ended.

Then I meet a new girl. Again, we match up for a couch movie and sex a few times, as those are the only roles i need filled right now. Tonight, she calls me, says she's bored, I say I'm writing, I won't entertain her, she get a little pissed. I decide it's time to share this philosophy with her, how I want to know exactly what she's looking for and tell her that this is all I'm looking for, and I don't want her to get too attached. She says that's fine, she wasnt looking for love, but she doesnt really like sex that much. Never has. SO i tell her, that's fine, we still have movies, I'll call you nex time I want to watch a movie on the couch with somebody. We talk a little more about how it's a relief to know where each other stand, and i decided I should also mention that I will evantually, and probably more sooner than later, find a girl that is into not only couch movies, but also sex, and she will probably be replaced. So now that's over.

So I guess I'm wondering what you guys think of my relationship philosophy. I am still a proponent, and I don't see these as failures. We kept everything on the surface, and realized that things didn't match up so well, and ended things civilly. well not civilly. Both times the girl was quite mad and I was fighting back not laughing. Am I emotionally shallow? I suppose I am. quite shallow, probably.

A rapper I like, atmosphere, defined relationships as sexual positions and emotional investments. Maybe i'm just a very conservative emotional investor. It's not that I'm afraid to lose, I enjoy being sad and getting through it. SO what's my problem then. I do not know. And now I realize that everyone who reads this is in a relationship, so i don't know, maybe i need someone to tell me the joys of love or soemthing, because I'm just not seeing it. I find tonight's event funny, and I'm probably going to call a different girl to see if she'd like to watch a movie on the couch tomorrow, starting the whole process anew. hmmmmm. maybe i'll leave out the part of her being replaced soon.

While we're on the topic of liver,
How about the fact that a liver can metabolize liver when you eat it. Food for thought...

random thoughts

I was about to post some random thoughts but saw that matt beat me to it. good thoughts matt. i think I only have one actually.

The liver. you'd think that having an organ with such a critical sounding name, we'd spend less nights abusing it.

that is all.

cfinals

My creativity is hindered, I have to study for finals. Want to write and play guitar but can't finals got me down. It seems like an oxy moron I'm studying but it is making me less productive....Does the Man have anyone else down?

So what

A collection of thoughts:

I feel like protestors are running out of viable reasons to complain. In Chicago they were protesting a pharmacy that wouldn't sell the morning after pill(for religious reasons). So what!? walk down 10 feet to the next pharmacy you idiots. Maybe they should smoke more pot and stop annoying everyone.

I just got my Atari out of my parents attic. Fuck yeah I did!

People(I won't name who) have recently started carrying small boom boxes on the subway and blasting their shitty rap for all to hear. What the hell? Are they too cheap to buy an iPod, discman, mp3, etc. or just too arrogant and rude? I just want to grab the boom box and smash it. Either that or I'm going to follow suit and bring my own so I can play Muppets Sing-Along for everyone.

Sandals really do kick ass. I mean is there anything better than walking around in flip-flops. No guy, there isn't.

I say we get rid of cars all together(no offense to your Dad Joe Taebo), they suck to take care of, gas prices are out of control, they are horrible for the environment, and who doesn't hate every other person on the road besides yourself? On a side note....isn't it wierd how Asians will only drive Japanese cars? I don't know, maybe its not that weird, what do I know. Fuck it.

Did you know that El Jebel means "the mountain" in Arabic? Yeah that's right Arabic, not Spanish you butthole.

I have lots more that comes to mind but I don't want to make this too long and pretentious, in fact don't even bother reading this. Although I guess if you got this far you already read it. Maybe I should move this sentence to the top. Oh well. If you are still reading this, just stop now because I am rambling on purpose and you should have figured this out by now. I would like to say though, if you are still reading this, that the rest of the cousins(William Bold, Joe Hio,
L' Viagra, and myself excluded) should start contributing. Don't be scared!

short story

just a random lil thing i wrote a few nights ago. still rough draft, but considering few things make it to a final draft, here it comes.

The Pedometer
There have always been random little things I’d like to do, but I don’t because I worry what people would think about me. Lately I am attaching very very little importance to the worry that some person will think I’m weird. I am weird. I’m proud of that. “the greatest art form is a life well lived” –ken kesey “all the freaky people make the beauty of the world” -michael franti

Grabbing some change out of the mall fountain is a perfect example. I need change for laundy, Here are piles of change, glistening in the water. That money belongs to anybody that values a few sideways glances at under $4.00. When I’m in a clear mood, I am that person. I’ll grab some money and giggle all the way to the candy store on the 2nd floor. I get paid to be the weird guy. I get a good story and some candy, and maybe some on-looker is inspired to be himself a little more.

However, this is one of those lessons that needs to be constantly reinforced. Every day I must relearn that I should highlight my weirdness. Reading a few quotes is a good reminder, but what really is living one, doing something strange and public, every single morning. Here’s mine.

I have about a quarter mile walk to the bus-stop. I also have a pedomoter, which is a little machine that measures how many steps you take. I love that little bastard. Carry him everywhere. Every morning I turn him on as I walk out the door. While waiting for the bus, I’d usually check to see how fast I’m walking that morning, as a measure of how tired I am. Less steps almost always mean a good mood. My record for fewest steps was 214.

One day about a month ago I left my house in a particularly good mood, and vowed to beat 200. I shattered it, tallying an impressive 182 steps. The next day I wanted to beat that. I did. Same thing the next day, and once again, another great victory.

For a week or so after that, my step count signified something entirely different than happiness. It was a confidence barometer. If I felt good about myself, I didn’t care how goofy my overzealous gait was, I just wanted to see a nice low number when I got to the bus-stop. If my mind was running slow, I subconsciously tried to fit in with the morning commuters, and walk at their same boring step-rate. On these days, I’d always reach a point where I realized how ridiculous this coping was, and vow to never do it again. One day, that vow stuck.

So now, every morning, I launch myself down my steps, and big-step my way to bus-stop. I step as big as I possibly can on every single step.

People stare. They make funny expressions and they almost get in car-accidents as their gaze lingers, waiting for some kind of meaning to my ridiculous stepping. That’s become my favorite part.

Running and jumping were ruled illegal at some point. So there haven’t been any number break-throughs in weeks. It’s been tough competion. Last week I took exactly 118 steps three out of the 5 days. I do yoga now, and I’m not ashamed to admit that a big factor in the decision to do it regularly was the promise of greater stepping ability.

I don’t really see this contest coming to an end any time soon. Every morning I big-step my way to the bust stop on St. Charles and Morengo with a smile on my face, and all day I remember the feeling of not giving a shit whether people think I’m different. I am different. I can step extremely far for my height. It’s all about when you transfer your weight.

nawlins

i have returned from the new orleans jazz festival, and have verbal highlights for your reading enjoyment. here we go

bands i saw: soulive, jurassic5, karl denson, isaac hayes, toots & the maytals, spearhead, steel pulse, trey, ike turner, los lonely boys, anthony hamilton...all awesome, download if you aint on it...especially the first 7.

-met the Meters, they signed my paper, there were unimpressed with my funkiness, which wavered between a meager 6 and 8 over the week.

-my funkiness reached its peak during the Isaac Hayes set, when i spotted a beautiful woman put my arms around her and gave her some deep-voice, "i wanna make sweetlove to you down by the fire" style pimpin. download "i stand accused" and you'll understand.

-i think ike turner made a reference to some good wife-beatin, but it was a bit of a stretch. "and then i showed her what the blues were all about." one can only imagine...

-food. po-boys are tasty, although i would advise you to avoid the fried sausage po-boy and then get on a plane. i'd also advise you to avoid dave's insanity sauce.

-also on food...split a massive big fried seafood platter with judd, who incidentally beat me badly in the college poo-tally, and were percolating butt-coffee before we even left the restaurant. the ass-vomit poos are way more fun when you have a friend in the next stall yelling "3-2-1-BLAST OFF" before you let it fly.

-drank all kinds of sugary spring break type drinks the first night, and then licked a waitress because she "wouldn't leave me alone"

-isaac played the chocolate salty balls song.

-the fire/water fountain. how can a water fountain be on fire? i don't know, but drinking a whole lot didnt help me figure it out.

-absinthe is trouble, even american absinthe which lacks the sweet (read: nasty but psychadelic) thugon.

so there you have it. respect to new orleans, my favorite city in the world for food and music. now is when i propose a cousin trek to jazz fest next year.....proposed.

boyes!

I just spent most of my weather and climate class drawing nude pictures of men on the course evaluation sheet. I was sitting in a pretty ass-xposed position, low and behold a kid fart came out. A few people heard... Last week I saw the Violent Femmes play, a little old but still kicked ass. semenster almost over.

warning about ledges

I just received a warning from the dean of students about the block party that I already attended. I thought that it was wise advice so I'll let you in on it: Use extreme care near the ledges, as falls do happen, often resulting in serious injury.

bumper stickers

I figured you guys would like this one. I quote the bumper sticker on the truck ahead of me, "If it flies, it dies" with a bunch of ducks and birds around. I agree, wise man...I agree...

running reflection

a shaven man sits atop a sloped plain
sweat beads upon his brow
only to flow down his recessed cheek
wrist bracing its fall
pooling and itching
yet never wavering thought
as a freshly cut limb of tree,
wounded by sharpened axe,
shifts course, forking beyond breach
continuing north, onward
without emotion,
never bleagured, willing
to wonder...

America

alright, 2 videos. The first may make some of you a little less proud to be American. The second will renew that pride.


America1

America2

Calling all cuzzins

I'm thinking about going to Colorado for 7-10 days in June. Right now my tenative plan is to fly in June 23rd, catch the Widespread Panic shows at Red Rocks June 24, 25, 26 and then head to Aspen for a week possibly staying until July 4th. I was wondering what everyone's plans are around then and if there is any interest in joining me. Hope all is well.

Humpermatt Willboner

mostly for kyle

and EVERYONE ELSE....

hahaha, thought this was only for kyle. you thought wrong, foolish bastardly cousins.

The State was one of the funniest shows ever to grace the television. Then came the movie Wet Hot American Summer, also quite funny. Then came the Reno 911 and the Stella Comedy Series. All the same crew or memebers of the original, all the same weird funny good.

What's next? Stella Comedy Show, premiering June 29 on Comedy Central after south park. and a Movie written adn directed by one of the main players in all of this, The Baxter.

2 months advance notice...yeah that's right. i've got my mouth on the State pulse.

jobless

Good summer plan sir william. It might have some parallels to my summer plan, because as of next thursday I am officially UNEMPLOYED. found out today, no more job for this guy. basically a technicality that they can't have an intern work over a thousand hours and i already reached it, and have no room to hrie another writer full-time. So i might be spending some time in independence pass as well, also some aspen style for a decent period of time.

my options are to find another job in advertising, find a part time job and write a lot, or do something like americorps. no idea what i'm choosing yet. also wondering if i should start prepping for moving out of america when my lease is up in sept. or get another year in denver, or even aspen.. decisions, decisions..... any advice?

As for jazz fest, I arrive by plane friday afternoon (april 29), and leave tuesday. I am going with a close friend from college and we're staying at one of his friends house whom he calls "man-head." I'll talk to him about whether it would be a big deal if you were to rock a couch. doubt anyone will care. you should come man, should be quite the weekend.

As for the fake ID, I looked for a while and decided that it must be in Michigan. I'll see if my parents want to bring it when they come here for memorial day, or even mail it directly to you, but I can't make any guarantees that they'll be eager to facilitate the exchange of illegal property.

For lack of creativity..

I'm feeling more humorous than creative lately so enjoy this, just type in your name and watch.

http://www.punchbaby.com/great.htm

On summer

Well, after careful thought and many a nigh idea, I have come up with my new plan for the summer. It is a bit more realistic than what I was planning. It begins as follows: I am going to finish classes here in Mad., then I am going to b-line it to Independence Pass. I am going to stay there hike, climb, write, play guitar, etc. until I get sick of it (which will probably happen quicker than I think.) My next move will be to Move on to the next destination, maybe some friends in Boulder, or California. This is all depending on if "The Van" will take me that far. I am going to begin the sumemr with no job right now because I can, I assume later in the summer I will start feeling broke and dirty so I will come back up here and make some money. My general idea is to be flexible and visit some people (i.e. Humperdink, Hio, A-train, Jalapeno, in Colo.) As to NOJazz Fest Hio san when are you leaving, arriving, staying until, sleeping, etc. I may be driving down there the 29thish but I don't know I can't get anyone to come with and I don't know about the van. We'll see. Fangboner I got 21 homers on that game...awesome.

driving

maybe it's just the endless amount of ford commercial ideas i've been writing, but my new metaphor for life is the highway. of course the whole fast lane/slow lane cliche, but theres all kinds of ties. we all know someone who drives slow in the fast lane for example. and most importantly, road rage. some get cut off, knwoing full well it was not with ill will and they've done the same shit before plenty of times, and just lose it. ruins their drive. especially in retrospect because it's all they remember about it. getting cut off dont mean shit. either slow down and enjoy the ride til you choose a route, or floor it toward the destination. dont follow traffic and look for an excuse to lose it.

sorry, preaching to the choir.

happy holidays

jeremy, kate, jake?: if you or anyone you know has extra mealpoints, one good 4/20 memory of mine is spending them on boxes of candy and driving around throwing it at people. funny reaction of :"why you son of...oh its candy....i will eat thsi candy...uhh alright I guess you're even"

Oops........

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Can you say trippy?

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Aphorisms1

Felt like bringing 2 of my many countless pages of aphorisms to the daylight of cousin consideration. Comment em up. more to come

On Morality
The purest morality comes not through love of neighbor because of God or societal mores. It comes through the question of what is the meaning of life. We do I do with my life? Morality through God is based more on fear than the desire to do “good.” When we realize that the only pillow that comforts our death-bed is the people we have helped, that is pure morality.

On Utopia
The incredible amount of unfulfilled potential in our society makes anyone who has thought it through either quite depressed or quite motivated. The next step toward utopia is organization.

On Work Vs. Play
It seems this decision, like most, has only one correct answer. We look for the right balance, but it is quite possible that one is more important than the other in every situation, and maximizing it should be behind every single decision.

On Senses
We discriminate among our senses. We devote so many nights to touch, we sacrifice health for taste, music is central to most events, but smell gets no credit. It’s the easiest to please, no health or real monetary price for pleasing it…just smell that candle. Perhaps a part of enlightenment is considering every input from every sense beautiful. At first it makes sense with just sight, see it all like abstract art, colors, shadows, good….but it could work for the rest of ‘em too.

On Judgment
We get offended by comments like “I hate those pants.” But all judgment basically comes down to saying, “That’s not my taste.” “I would never wear those pants” etc. These aren’t threats or insults. They’re comparisons, no different than saying “we’re different in pants-tendencies.” So anyone who values individuality should take the I hate your ____ as a compliment. Thank you sir. It’s because I’m not you.

On Determinism
In the past, many proponents of determinism(the belief that everything is pre-determined) would mostly argue that it is all seen and therefore determined by an omnipotent God. Today, more believe in evolution than creation, but science has a grasp on the decision making process and theorizes that it can be reduced to an equation. So the whole future could be this complex equation (Credit: Waking Life) So it was determinism through God, now it’s determinism through math.

On Masks
When a person acts in a way that is inconsistent with their true self, it’s like wearing a mask. When someone acts a way and receives negative consequences, they wore the wrong mask, and lose self-esteem due to their mistake in examining situations and determining the right behavior. Some keep working, harder, studying, paying more attention to detail, sculpting their masks and practicing their behavioral repertoire until they have the perfect mask/act for every situation. So it is often those that are most skilled at evaluation, understanding people, playing this game of life, are those that wear the thickest masks. Those that are the sickest.

On Sexual Prospects
A man gets close to a butterfly on a leaf and quickly snatches out a hand to try to catch it. If successful, the never-to-be-focused-on-satisfaction human man finds himself with another possession, that’s perhaps wounded during the catch. If failed, the man sees the butterfly even more wantingly as it flies away, and tells himself that next time he will act quicker and harder, although knowing that this will likely damage the creature even more. Thus the most skillful catchers are those that have the least caring for the butterfly. They do the most grabbing, the most catching, the most damage. So we see that the most beautiful are those that must learn to fly the fastest.

On Power
One current way to bring power to the poeple is to bring people to the powerful.

Ramblings

I hope I don't offend anyone with list, but I'd like to post my list of people that the world would be better off without. Here goes (in no particular order):

Ryan Seacrest-where did this guy come from anyway?
Will Smith-if I am subjected to another movie of his I am going to gouge out my eyes
Britney Spears-slut
Eminem-don't really need to explain this one
Charlton Heston-or any member of the NRA for that matter
Jared from subway-I hate this guy
The Taco Bell dog-I know its time has passed, but what the fuck?
George W. Bush-WORST PRESIDENT EVER!
Barry Bonds-whiney little bitch
Tony Blair-see George Bush
Keanu Reeves-has anyone else noticed his obsession with playing the Jesus-type character
Joe Hio-simply because of his animal killing article, I still like the guy
50 Cent-first, its Cents you moron. second, since when did it become cool to be shot 7 times?
R. Kelly-how is this guy still walking the streets? Sick fuck.

To be continued......

Please feel free to comment or add to the list.

Flick

In keeping with the theme of UM course evaluation forms being filled out this week, here's some flicks I've seen recently:

Excellent
Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle
Napoleon Dynamite
Shaun of the Dead
I, Robot

Good
Garden State
Garage Days
Collateral

Neutral
Ray
Cellular

Poor
Farenheit 9/11
Van Wilder

Really Weird
Six Ways to Sunday

Death of a Salesman

It is jake. Me and sean went to view some apartments today. I must say we got some good material from this little outing. It all started off right...we were met by a nice casually dressed guy with a sweet canada hat on. He showed us some of the stupidest fucking closet appartments ever and wanted a pantlowd for them. We regretfully declined the houses. Then we sat on their porch set up and offered us a free brat and coke. We ate'm its wisconsin its pretty much local custom to offer brats to company. Then while we were eating the salesmen switched and we got a tweaked out greased up class-act with alligator skin boat shoes. He also had a reddened tan face sweet ray-bans and a standard boat-deck attire. He was so jazzed up it was like he took an anal bump of coke before he came to see us. We talked chicago cubs a bit and he inserted many cool phrases like right on and sweet and cool. I believe he was attempting to stoop to our level, but in doing so he turned into the ultimate douche bag. It was like he belonged in Boca Ratone. The company also made the fatal flaw of letting us know that they purchased pre-cooked brats...as if we couldn't tell. Only amies do that kind of bullshit.

MPC

In case you guys were worried, I have officially reclaimed the title of Most Pathetic Cousin. I'm not sure if I ever lost it, but its mine now, I own it. So if anyone would like to challenge me for the MPC title be my guest.

movie of the week

imagine.
imagine a cross between shaft and bruce lee. imagine a final match between bruce leroy and sho 'nuff, the showgun of harlem, and the showguns cast of themed goons. also featuring william h macy(i think) and the acting debut of chaz palminteri. imagine it's produced by berry gordy and is 80stastic. awwwwwwthentic.

"who's got the funk" you may ask? maceo's got the funk. maceo parker gets music of the week.

oh, i'm sorry, "who's got the crazy good primitive style", is what you asked? why Ali Farka Toure has it. (seriously)

phat phree submission

Ever since I read the striped shirt article, i've been thinking, now this is an organization that i'd like to get down with.

I wrote this piece tonight. Any thoughts?

“Call Me Crazy, But I just Love Killing Animals”

While driving over a pigeon the other day, I came to an interesting conclusion. I should kill more animals. Everyone should. Fuck animals.

Sure, I’ve derived a few moments of pleasure from our non-human counterparts. A dog lapping peanut-butter off of a passed-out roommate’s ass is one of those visual masterpieces that never gets old. Cows tastes good. Even pigeons are good for a photo opportunity if you’re ever blessed with the good fortune to see some hot pigeon on pigeon spring break action.

I can already hear the ASCPA knocking at my door. “Mr. Smith,” the young, long-haired earth-saver would say, we all feel it would be best if you stopped murdering animals. Animals are as important as you or me, and they should not be killed because you find humor in the suffering of other species.” A valid point I would reply, then I would bow and let a pigeon head fall out the breast pocket of my white collared shirt. “I believe you dropped something,” I would say. Then I’d close the door and lock it.

I don’t expect her to understand. She’s never killed a sea-cow. I, on the other hand, have killed several sea-cows. The first one is always the most special. I was wading around waste-deep in the Florida keys when I felt a massive leather-bag of lard bump into my leg. The surprise of it altered the trajectory of my Frisbee® and I kicked the fucker, yelling, “I’m not a propeller you aquatic bovine son of a bitch!” It responded by slowly floating up to the surface on its back. After a moment of confusion I was doubled over laughing my ass off. I mean my leg couldn’t have been traveling over 5 miles per hour. This thing must weigh more than I do, there’s no way one blow to the side could have taken it down. But there it was, bloated and floating in the afternoon sun for me and my friends to laugh and throw frisbys at. We played with that fat-fucker for three hours. We even dragged it to shore and did WWF moves on it. My friend Carl threw out his back trying to give the dead-bastard a Suplex. I was hooked.

A few days later we realized we should have eaten the thing. We knew it must be a delicious blend of steak-and sea-food. A delectable Surf and Turf in one weak-willed creature. So we returned to the beach, armed with a cooler full of Pabst and a Machete we bought from a kind Mexican fellow. It took almost 4 hours, but we found one. Now I’m not one to brag, but I was like a ninja compared to that slow, dumb, waste of sea-lard pussy. I’d been hovering around the Machete most of the time, so when Dave gave the signal I was the first one to it. I swear, less than ten seconds later I was bellowing out a triumphant Tarzan scream just like I imagined. The taste of that fucker was almost as bad as his reflexes, but seriously, my diving, two handed stab was pretty awesome.

It was a good 9 months after that before I got close enough to the ocean to get another one. But that time I got my hands on a power-boat and tallied at least three. It wasn’t as fun in a boat though. I prefer a more-hands on approach.

Some of you out there are probably thinking, “Wow, Rob, you’re a fucking sadist.” That’s just not true. I don’t like killing most animals. I don’t even like hunting. Killing a deer with a rifle is nothing like killing a manatee with a machete. I tried to explain this to my flannel-clad uncle, but I don’t think he really got it.

I thought it was just sea-cows, and after the let-down from the power-boat assault, I figured I had past that phase in my life. But that pigeon woke up something inside me. I didn’t even really do it on purpose, he landed in front of my car and after a instinctual swerve toward it, I was smiling into my rear-view mirror. That night Carl and I came up with a list of animals that would be fun to take down.

Sea-cows: tried and true, like the fat-kid in dodge ball.
Giraffes: That neck ain’t gonna protect you now, fucker.
Carp: Like a smaller sea-cow. note: obtain water-proof firecrackers.
Monkey: but only if you don’t get a weapon and you fight him in a WWF ring.
Cat: specifically Carl’s cat.
Goat: bare-knuckle cage match.


OTHER animal ideas
Bald-Eagle: Not so noble with my foot up your ass. note: Carl says they’re too rare and symbolic, but I think the American Animal should be crude and over-populated, like a pigeon.

(perhaps a funnier angle might be someone trying to quit…there’s last sea-cows and there’s LAST Sea-cows…which was this to be.)







In other news, Michael Vick has a civil suit filed against him by a woman to whom he gave Herpes. He used the alias Ron Mexico. My comment, besides the brilliance of the alias, is that perhaps Michael Vick is the alias, perhaps a herpes touting Ron Mexico is the real person, and Michael Vick is just football playing alter-ego he came up with to avoid battery and negligence law-suits. He obviously needs a new lawyer, because this was never even brought up. read the 17 page legal account Here

new orleans jazz festival

So yeah, I finally got my piles of mental shit together into one pile, and booked my flight to new orleans. I'm there april 29 to may 3. the line-up, which can be seen at www.nojazzfest.com is incredible. Some highlights: BB King, Jack johnson, Slightly Stoopid, Better than ezra, Widespread Panic, Issac hayes, Galactic, Elvis Costello, dirty dozen brass band, toots and the maytals, ike turner, anthony hamilton(?), trey anastasio, the neville brothers, karl denson's tiny universe, michael franti and spearhead, etc.....plus hundreds of random acts i've never heard of, mostly funk, with funny names like Dumpstaphunk, Jambalaya Cajun band, or Papa Grows Funk.

So if anyone wants to join me, it shall be on, otherwise if you want to check out the line-up and point out a few recommendations, well that'd just dandy.

On a related note, this coming weekend shall be the funkiest of my life. Friday Karl Denson, Saturday Galactic featuring maceo Parker. Am I funky enough to survive? only time will tell. if not, i love you all and someone take care of my turtles. they're moderately funky, btu not funky enoguh to accompany me to the shows.

on an unrelated note, i havent showered in several days, due to time constraints.

To Hio San

Rob I have a huge favor to ask of you. I recently washed my artificial ID and the corner broke off of it rendering it pretty much useless. You can probably see what I'm getting at. I was wondering if you had an extra Id card or something that I could use/borrow/steal. If not I understand, or if you feel in any way unstable about the situation I won't be offended at all. I can probably find another way to get one if need be. I figured you or adam would be the best chances and since you are a feew years his junior im stuck aksin you. I can probably mail you a care package full of lavish treats and anecdotes in return......anyho. thanks hio

Here's to our fallen Dawg: The Pope

The pope is dead. Face it the armagedon has begun. On another note it is absolutely goddam gorgeous in Madison Wisconsin. Im having my morning joe on my goddam porch. I spring cleand the shit out of my appartment yesterday. Sounds grand...but what are you going to do today mister? I am going to fornicate with a boulder Ive been eyeing on Observatory hill. Then decide if I am going to take sumemr school or not. I have a temporary plan for this summer if I don't go to school. Wanna hear it? I am going to hike from my house here in madison to the muddy waters of the mississippi. Then commandeer a boat and float down its black water to the dirty southern delta. then party. then make my way out west to Aspen...California were the beer flows like wine. I am going to get set up with a job...somehow and live on independence pass for a while. I want to fit in fishing mexico and canida somehow as well. I love you

Cuzzin Olympics

How does everyone feel about 4th of July weekend for the olympics? Its a 3-day weekend and we could probably do it at the lakehouse or we could also rent a house somewhere.

For all you single guys

Giddyup


http://www.thephatphree.com/features.asp?StoryID=239&SectionID=11&LayoutType=1&StoryMonth=3&StoryYear=2005

Fast Food

Would you like a finger with that chilli?

No, no I would not. But thanks.

http://www2.cbs5.com/localnews/local_story_082152759.html

Craziness

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A note to William Bold

We meet again, Mr. Bold.

I thought I'd post links to a few researchers at UW that are making big strides in the world of science, at least in my field.

Richard Davidson. Most famous at UW. He's one of the world's experts on emotion, psychology and neuroscience, and has a great lab there. He does all kinds of work, and recently has dabbled in meditation and mind/body stuff (and how it works in the brain). I think he interacts with the Dalai Lama too. Cool guy.
Anne Kelley: Brain research on motivation, eating, addiction. Very successful, important.
Craig Berridge: Brain research on stress and the sleep/wake system. Brother of my current advisor.
Vaishali Bakshi: Younger dude. Work on brain pharmacology, emotional disorders.

Kyle's woes

What's new? I'll tell you what's new, but you may want to sit down first. And grab a roll of paper towl. It's gonna be messy. I tore my neck muscle the other day carrying a VCR, which means I'm in top-notch shape. What's worse, the VCR was supposed to replace a slightly broken one in the lab, but all it did was eat the first tape we put in it. I think it's cursed. Besides that, the government is jerking me around. I have a grant application in to the NIH and it may not happen due to scarcity of money for non-defense-related science (go Bush!) and a surly review committee. Add to that a headache, a slightly chapped lower lip, an empty fridge and a cat that has been peeing on anything soft in the house, and you have woes a'plenty.

For thought.............

The great mystery is not that we should have been thrown down here at random between the profusion of matter and that of the stars; it is that, from our very prison, we should draw from our own selves images powerful enough to deny our nothingness.

Gravity Reflection

I was getting jazzed on coffee this morning and I got to thinking. Deep thinking not just surface thinking. I was walking home from class. Slow motion. I have some questions that need answerin'...We all follow along a path that is socially laid. We grow up go to k-12 school, then pick your favorite college as if it matters, we suckle from the money nipple of our parents, and then slowly are weened to working in a cubicle and eating shittty food to get by. And it seems to me that for most of us not until we are desperate to survive and live do we put our necks on the line, becoming utterly vulnerable, and make that critical jump in our careers, that seems to come just as we need it. I don't know if I am making my point well...but I figure that maybe some of my cousin elders who may have experienced this. Any comments on this are welcome. Another thing kind of pertaining is that I feel a great urge to just throw what I have in a back pack and start walking letting chaos fill in the rest. I feel that my spirit is strong enough now to handle anything, my mind is functioning well enough to persuade anyone given the right circumstances. I want to be huge for some reason. it has been years since we have had breakthroughs in the fields of thought and intellect or music. I believe that I am not anymore special than anyone but just more fortunate to feel how I do today. Any thoughts on this I'm sure you've all been here at sometime and I want to know. Do not worry these are just thoughts, they are light years away from taking shape, and most likely will just be pondered in my mind. dig

cliff jumping

This one's mostly for the singles out there

A few months ago I had a very frustrating night, where I saw an incredible show at an incredible venue, but failed to really enjoy it because I was constantly chastising myself for not currently hitting on a certain girl. I fall in love at first sight about half the time I’m somewhere public, and whenever this happens I spend the event hating myself for not at least attempting a conversation with her.

Option 1 is go talk to her, perhaps slightly planned
Option 2 is put it out of mind and enjoy the show
Option 3 is to think about talking to her, find excuses not to talk to her, then get pissed when you realized you miss the chance. Repeat.

That night was all option 3. It ruined a great night. I vowed the end of option 3.

Saturday I went to a show at the same venue (Cervantes). Lyrics Born and Saul Williams. Great music, great messages, great scene. So before I had even found my spot to watch the music unfold, I see this gorgeous brunette. Completely my type. We end up standing near her, probably not by coincidence, and Lyrics Born takes the stage. Live band, several of my favorite songs, even some inspiring messages. It was option2 with scattered bits of option3. The set ends and there’s a wait until the next musician takes the stage. I tell myself this is the time to talk to her. I wait until she’s not in a conversation with her friends. That happens, I wait longer. Finally her friends go somewhere and she’s standing alone. I somehow wait longer, and she walks away just as I’m telling myself I have to go do it NOW. Fuck. Good ol’ option3. She comes back quickly, and I move in.

Not that I ever really deliver it, but my pick-up line for a few years has been basically radical honesty. So I go up to her, introduce myself, tell her she’s beautiful and that I had to come over and talk to her. I don’t usually approach random girls and offer to buy them drinks, but something about you... I’d like to get to know you, maybe dinner sometime. She agrees. We talk a little about the night’s line-up. Where you from, what’s your major, all the usual bullshit, and the next musician starts. After it ends I talk to her a little more and get her phone number with plans for mid-week coffee. It was my second ever successful cold-call. My first since Amsterdam 2 years ago, after I was enlightened by an extremely potent variety of mushrooms called “philosopher’s stones.”

Anyway, a pretty boring story unless you’re familiar with my decade-long battle of meeting women. It was a big victory for me, and I’m proud. During the second set, after I talked to her, I was comparing it in my head to a skiing cliff-jump. It had the same feeling progression, from the mildly nervous excitement from deciding you’re going to do it, the doubting you should while standing there, up til the point when you actually do it and its an incredibly intense and alive feeling. We love this feeling. We hurl ourselves off dangerous cliffs to get it. Approaching the hotty that might be out of your league has the same feeling, less risk, and higher potential gain.

for bikers and bastards

This one is pretty bad. dude fucks with biker, dude gets fucked with.

If I'm posting that one, might as well add this

Disclaimer: Don't watch if you don't like seeing people get badly hurt. I wouldn't have posted the first one if it didnt involve an ass-hole smacking a biker and being hit with instant karma. as for the second one, ummm, well the audio is funny if you can laugh at that sort of thing.

hilarity

feeling depressed?

need a pick me up?

crack lost it's edge?

TRY THIS

need some more?

Start with this one

Then this one

And there's more

Good luck with that Bryan. 

Cheese

Right now the single most important thing in my life is cheese. I am right now eating some BelGioso Parmesan: "The king of Italian Cheeses." I also have some Bucky Badger homemade jalepeno hardpack in the fridge, but I've been hittin that real hard lately. Giovana prefers Kraft american slices, but that is blasphemous here in this great state. I want to dump her for it. Sometime this week, oh say maybe thursday night, I am going to get wasted in the name of the cousins. Every drink shall be for a different member. Lets not forget our roots, blood is thicker than water.

Toby

Cousins, I am presenting a call to arms. There is a travesty happening and we need to raise $33,000 to stop it.

Read about it here.

What I'm left with is how smart this guy is. So far he's made $17,000 off of animal right's lunatics just by threatening to eat a rabbit.

I gotta get me a rabbit. No wait, a little boy. ummm

I could threaten to beat my pet monkey every day I don't receive a check for $50.

Anyway, here's another funny site, probably patronized by the same people donating to the last one.

Pets In Uniform

The word of the day is.....

Replete. Definition: filled abundantly. As in this blog is replete with negativity. And before I begin, let me first say that I do not absolve myself of blame. The reek of life may sting your nose, but it is your fault for smelling the wrong roses. Also, complaining about the lack of women in Aspen(especially after hooking up with one) is like complaining to god for a lack of clouds in heaven. As I stated before; I myself am guilty of berating the evils and darkness of the city in which I abide. However, at least for the brevity of the near future, I suggest the mood be more upbeat lest we feed off the morbidity of each other unto an endless abyss. I will start it of by saying how excited I am to see my siblings and cousins in less than two weeks. In a little place called Aspen, where the beer flows like wine and the women flock like the salmon of capistrano. I will also leave you with some non-sensical jiberish because that seems to be the trend here. I giggle shit to smell my feet sometimes. It tickles in my brain banana and the sky leaks tiny nipple beads to my hoo-ha. Mecka lecka high mecka highnee ho.

Archibald Thornton

I am William Bold aka J-noyer. peculiarityily I have a lot to learn. in order for one to be great one must believe he is great. In order to be someone of importance you must build yourself up to be a deity. The only thing you have to define yourself is the way that you think and we are free to change the way we think with some work thus leaving the possibilities endless. I brought a man just released from prison his name was william too into my house. my woman became mad. tootheache. all signs of life fleet away in disaster. my guitar is my looking glass and it is a perverted piece of horse shit that I love. These words are being puked up by my soul.treacherosity the wreak of life stings my nostril
my life is in its teething stage
My breast tickles its image
winning is no doubt in vain
gnawing on my cheek again
face in the pavement,cold
I am the one, the famous, William Bold

2005 Summer Olympics

I think we need to start thinking about the 2005 Cousins Summer Olympics. I know its early but it would be nice to pick a place were it will be held, a host if you will. We could always have it at the cottage, but I' m thinking we could rent a house or cabin somewhere. I also want full cousin participation this time. Let me know what you guys think.

my revolution

Im going to start my own revolution !- one bottle of ketchup and an ear of corn for each person in the world, everyone is happy, all problems ever.....solved.

On revolution

This is best interpreted( because you are interpreting the little black symbols from different momories stored in your head) while listening to Devo - Gut Feeling...
Revolution is an intrigueing subject. I'll spearhead the SS department of your revolution. Our Revolution. After Roberto, eeeehem, Joe Hio, posted his revolutionary decree, I knew I would have to think this one out and submit my thoughtful response. I have...until today. I think that my idea of a needed revolution is one of thought. It is very diffiicult for me to explain now, and needs some work. I will continue to update. In short, "We need to free the wreckless, Gods within us all." We need to drop all sense of society: fads, fassion, culture,gender, race, orientation, and begin to accept ourselves as individual beings of thought. Capable of conjuring any percievable emotion/thought's at complete free will. Nothing can set boundry your mind, and when it can you are but death herself. And once we have our minds lucid, and foaming, we canbegin our terrestrial Revolution. When we are sailing in pure creativity, the sea of experience will be sowed.

Dear Joe Hio

If you would like to start a revolution, I'm your man amigo. There are inumerable causes for such an event. The war in Iraq, genocide, viral pandemics, not to mention uncountable infringes on our civil rights as human beings. However I suggest a much simpler, below the radar approach. The appraoch is three fold and involves time and patience, patience that is a means to an unimaginable end. Follow me through this:
First, we must establish a few bland, menial ideas that form the shell of our organization. A few suggestions are feeding the homeless, caring for the elderly, helping people with disabilities, etc. Is doesn't really matter. You see a shell is just that; a thin outer crust that hides and protects the goods inside. What is important is that our organization much have a religious component to it. A front if you will. The reason is this: the religious front will give us a right wing appearance which gives us the confidence and trust of the conservatives as well as the affluent. which brings me to the next point.
Second, we turn our organization with its religious component and turn it into a legitimate fucking religion. We will obtain tax-free status and more importantly obtain the ability to collect money(tax-free money) from our constituents. Now we are a funded revolution with a none-the-wiser following.
Third, we slowly, quietly awaken our people to the injustices that are the body(the goods) of our revolution. Big business, oil companies, republicans, pollution, corruption, just to name a few ideas. Although, ideally we will need a more specific focus for logistic reasons.
And our movement has begun.

To prove I Am still juvenile

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Recently I have been running on 6 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. I love staying up and writing 25 page papers into the night...and onto the day. mmmmmmmm....college. On a more positive note though, in chemisty i learned H+CH3+N is a fart. The longer a fart is held in, the larger the proportion of boring, inert nitrogen it contains, because the other gases tend to be absorbed into the bloodstream through the walls of the intestine. A nervous person who swallows a lot of air and who moves stuff through his digestive system rapidly may have a lot of oxygen in his farts, because his body didn't have time to absorb the oxygen.

I also found out that there is a company called Fartypants that makes underwear that claim to absorb the smell of the fart. Liz might want to invest in a pair for matt.

I will see a lot of you in Aspen over spring break. Party monsters.

revolutionary seeking revolution

"if you don't stand for something you'll fall for anything"
"if there's nothing you're willing to die for, then what are you living for"

Where's our revolution
Where's our challenge

My biggest fear is that for the rest of my life, there will not be another stimulus that really activates my flight or fight. I have beaten social anxiety, and "one man struggles to meet girls in a new city" is no longer the teaser for the story of the moment.

So we drink. We look for thrill on the mountain. We look to a marathon for a challenge to devote ourself to. We start fights with our loved ones and ourselves, because even us on the peaceful side of mankind still have a deep intrinsic desire for challenge, drama, striving, fighting, feeling.

What we need is a calling. Our strength and ability are begging our idle minds to embrace the cold wind of a real challenge.

And they're out there. Like Kyle's friend who decided that Aids in Africa is the biggest problem facing the world so he fuckin went to africa to lend his hand. It would be nice to have a revolution we could fight for in our free time, but it seems like it's not a viable option at the moment. It seems to require 100% devotion, but I suppose I'll take that route over 10% devotion to a job, anothrt 20 t friends and family and all the rest just sitting there waiting and dying.

Growing up, it was all challenges and growth. The world was an incredible place, and no day went by uneventfully. Everyone around us taught and urged us forward. Now, not so much. We reclined into a couch of our friends, family, routine and responsibilities, and are muscles are getting stiff. I am troubled by the reality that this is not something that can be delayed for long, responsibilites attack the idle, and that's a battle that is difficult to win.

Liger

Kate will espiacially enjoy this one

http://www.sierrasafarizoo.com/animals/liger.htm

Behold the beauty
Majestic stripes and biting
behold the liger

Haiku-fu

leaves and silent eyes
wind counts time and passes
worn brown, forgotten

I'm sick

This Blog (I don't like the name blog) is one that is mainly for me. Meaning that it may just be nonsensical. I would like to start it off with a quote that I had from my reridgerator magnet poetry: "When Pants smell eggy, shake finger" It didn't mean much for me at the time but it is making soo much sense to me right now. Dreaming is great. Repeated dreaming is great. It all started when I was on a hike down some canyon. It was a red desert canyon with swift moving crystal clear water probably about 20ft below the trail that I was walking on with some other touristy types, Namely a middle aged man and his young (Ie. 10years old) son. The son and I were somehow skitching along the trail with the help of some high powered kites. When I was pulled over the stream and was waterskiing. I was cruising down the river faster and faster until I had to bail in some slower water up ahead. I returned to the trail only to see the younger boy, in red trunks might I add, unknowingly diving into some faster water ahead. So me and his father went through some trials and tribulations to get him out just before some falls just ahead. It was at this point in the dream where things began to get a little more mellow, for that brief scene I had been quite emotionally worked up. No longer was I on the trail with the touristy group I was no there with a good friend of mine and another indescriminate friend type person. We all some how fell again into a pool, crystal clear might I add, and my good friend had busted a hole in his head. Again I was quite emotionally worked up again about it and a bit frantic until I found later that he was alright. My dream became all of a sudden very unreal and fantastic as opposed to the other portion of my dream. I had experienced aspects of this dream as well in past nightly journeys. I was of course able to fly. I was with some other indescriminate woman who had just learned to fly. Not everyone knew how to fly, only this girl and I. It was a fresh spring day with the blue azure sky with whispy clouds. I remeber me trying to show the girl that she should fly straight up and get to unspeakable heights, and just freefall. I remeber a very specific feeling that this would give you very similar to the drops on a rollercoaster. My dream began suddenly to take a more fretfull turn. It was a cool night I remember with the town of Boulder spectacularily lit up. I floated down to this abandonded warehouse typ of structure and there was some sort of evil being just outside the structure. Often he would make the most wretched gurgling scream, he was a dark figure in the parkinglot surrounding this building. For some reason I was safe inside this structure and was again with my good friend. We decided that it may be a good idea to practice our archery with two rickety bows and arrows we had lying around. It was necessary to practice because there was the threat of an impending battle ahead. My dream life was then changed swiftly again to the canyon world. Me and the tourist group were on our way out of the canyon. We were ascending out of it onto some sort of plateau. We stopped to take pictures and then I was taking one with this kid. I remember specifically not being able to remember if this was a man or a woman. Then the kid began to kiss me and I was a little shocked. Then I remember her telling me that she was a woman, like she knew that I didn't know. I told her "I am very sorry but I have a girlfriend who is back with the others." That little incident out of mind I was surmounting this plateau and on the top was the most magnificent monastary of sorts. It was a large red clay building that was very geometrical in shape and had no angles other than right angles. I have seen this monastary before in previous dreams. The most magnificent part of this holy building was its beautiful grass that was outlined by white sidwalks around it. It was permanantly still. No wind, strong sun. I sat beneath a tree. When I again was transported to another region of dreaming. I was know in some basement somewhere where a man was releasing large bulls at me and some other kids. The weird thing is that we were doing it for fun and the man had no evil in him at all. It was then my turn to have the bull unleashed at me, it was, a particularily gruesome one. I tried faking it out and zig zagging but nothing shook this beast. He was on me alright and I could feel him on my back and was running up stairs just as he smashed me in a corner. I remember having an outerbody experience and wathcing myself get smashed. I was then suddenly sucked back into dream-reality and on the 1st floor of this house. I remember many dogs wanted to get in and out of the basement. Just as I began manifesting my next dream adventure. I was next visiting a family in Kyrghizstan. I was quite frightened to be there. It was in a very mountainous region and the house was just balancing on the very edge of a cliff many of thousands of feet high. There was some interacting with the children of the group. It should be noted that there was one in particular who was white and overweight. There was some sort of reporter there who was reporting on the situation. I then went outside. It was extrememly windy on this barren cliff. I was kicking around a ball or something by myself when my dad showed up. We began to walk a little when I heard a plane overhead. I laughed and said "There goes the Luftwafa" -Dream of February 22nd 2005 after a long bender weekend and the beginning of a sickness.

Checking in

Hello all. Just checking in. Yeah.

In recent news, I tried to make my first fireplace fire the other night. The wood was wet and cold, which should have stopped me, but no..I'm cocky with fires. After an hour of burning paper and trying futily to light the wood I gave up, having little to show for my efforts except a burnt finger, pants drenched in spilled lighter fluid, and an injured knee (from attempting to break a log over it).
Fireplace: 1
Kyle: 0

"save as draft"

You probably noticed that there's a "save as draft" button next to the "publish post" button. Sometimes if you're totally inept and bastardly you'll accidentally press the save as draft button, which will make it so others can't read your poast. i'll let you know when this happens.

jake your post about career choices was 'saved as draft'. want me to publish it?

Hunter

You'll probably all know this by the team you read my words on the matter, but if not, Hunter S. Thompson has been found dead of a self-inflicted gunshot. I'd say may he rest in peace right now if i thought that this man had even the slightest tendency towards inner peace.

My first thoughts were that it is likely the result of foul-play. This man has never taken the easy way out with anything, he thrust himself into a horribly difficult career, and chose to do it in a way no one had done before. He took massive doses of drugs that even the strong-willed members of this blog have a respectful fear for. The Fear & Loathing story is a perfect example. A struggling writer given a big assignment to cover a difficult story. So he destroys himself on substances, past the point of being able to cover the story, and even past the point of being able to conduct himself like even a decadent member of society. Certainly he would choose to end life the same way he lived it, in a manic, sadly hilarious craze. One blogger suggested a fitting headline would be "HST killed by police after consuming 100 tabs of LSD and spray-painting murals on cop cars".
Counter-argument: As another pointed out, he was brilliant with both guns and drugs, and knew how to use both as well as he knew how to craft anything into a brutal, hilarious story. He was apparently in a lot of pain from broken bones and surgeries, and was never the type you expected to die in a hospital. One of his favorite quotes is "he who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man." perhaps mental pain, the seasoned veteran, tag-teamed with the tough, new, physical pain and he chose to lose the bout. perhaps. another quote:
The Edge... "there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over"

I'm not sure if I can honestly say he's my favorite writer, but he's the closest of any to an idol. He lived his art as well as he wrote it, which is pretty damn well.

Here's a few of my memories.
-The entire Fear & Loathing book/movie, nearly verbatim.
-Him running for sherriff of Aspen on the Freak POwer ticket, I believe, with brilliant tactics such as shaving his head and referring to his crew-cut opponent as "my long-haired opponent" and "refusing to compromise on the eating mescaline while on the job issue...or any other issue for that matter"
-me just opening up my FearAnd Loathing in America (all letters to and from him) book to search for whether it was indded the "freak power ticket", turning to a random page and being greeted by the line, "David...you scurvy pig-fucker. I was just about to send you some mescaline when i talked to Jann & found out that all my daily expenses on the Salazar/Vegas stories were disallowed--for reasons of gross excess and irresponsible outlay." he goes on to call the guy a devious pervert, a treacherous pig, and a dirty catholic bastard.
-Hells Angels is a damn good book, I should not have traded it for slaughterhouse 5.
-His article on how to improve baseball, which calls for replacing the pitcher with a robot and having only one base, among other things that would probably be improvements of this mindlessly boring "pass-time" (sp)
-winning a bet on the world series, and taking the saudi prince's sister, princess omin, hostage until he paid up, which i'm not sure he ever did.
-shooting his assistant while trying to scare a bear form the property.
and many more...more will come when i read the rest of his books.

final thoughts: i suppose i first liked him because he did lots of drugs and told a good story. I like him even more now, for different reasons. He did something incredible, and he did it his own way. He wrote a news story the way no one ever wrote them before, and to me, his way was better. Also, He had his messages, and he made the world hear them. What 2 more important lessons are there to teach an aspiring writer?

Here's some links:
Articles:
http://abcnews.go.com/US/wireStory?id=518158
http://www.aspentimes.com/article/20050220/NEWS/102210004
http://www.denverpost.com/Stories/0,1413,36%257E53%257E2724455,00.html
Blogs:
http://www.iamcorrect.blogspot.com/
http://www.livejournal.com/users/docgonzo19/3127.html
Quotes
http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/h/hunter_s_thompson.html
Most Recent Writings?
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/archive?columnist=hunter_s._thompson&root=page2

I can't feel my arms!!!!1 

Blogging Basics

here's a few tips for doin stuff.

ENTRY: You can get to the site by going to www.blogger.com (then sign in) or cousinparty.blogspot.com. If you want to show it to friends, they have to use the second way to get in. They can also post comments on entries if they want.

COMMENTS: you can comment on entries anonymously as yourself. non-cousins can comment as well. so sometimes it's good to go through some old posts and see if there's any new comments.

POSTING LINKS: easiest way is to just write the address and people can copy and past it, but if you want to get classy on some hyperlink shit, here's how. type the following, but replacing every $ with a <
$BlogItemURL>
$a href="$web address>">What you want to call it$/a>
$/BlogItemURL>
so here's what it looks like when yer done: I found the most unbelievable web-site on the planet.

check it out here


Perhaps this describes it better


POSTING PICS:
Read about it here

It's a little complicated, but it is possible.

All this and anything else you can find in help.

Get R Done

What do I do with my life

I am faced with the decision to persue a career in either my liberal arts college or maybe pharmacology and toxicology. The latter is a pre-proffessional school and would be a shoe in for jobs when I graduate. But liberal arts its what I am best at and find recreational, yet I would possibly have to go to more school and prolong my schooling eventually. I enjoy pharmacology especially recently, and I enjoy working with psychiatric drugs or something like it. I just don't know what to do. Pharm would be going against my credo to wing it but maybe that's not a good idea this time? Any thoughts?

My Concious Squall

I am thinking right now therefore I am. I guess. My ideas of my conciousness are easiest (but not easily) explained by the thought of my conciousness as a basketball or any ball for that matter. In this basketball there is my immediate sensory intake. What I can see. What it feels like to be typing now. Pretty simple basic stuff. But when I write these sentences I am taking in thoughts, ideas, and letters from an area outside the basketball. Maybe like a card catalog somewhere. So there is a basketball balancing on a card catalog of stored memories of all sorts. So that I think is pretty graspable, what is especially confusing, on the other hand is where this basketball card-catalog combo is located. I think it is in a "brilary" which is a libray that we are not familiar with. One where the books are all thrown all over the place, where the covers of the books are in the middle, and the words are put down in no order just randomly placed around. Everyone has access to this "brilary" it is a public "brilary". I guess its more like we are all encompassed by the damn thing. The only time we have access to this disorderly is when we roll off the card catalog and let the air out of our basketballs, like sleeping, or peyote binges, or fasting, or not sleeping for that matter. I am pretty sure that eventually the basket ball will just explode from overuse (death) and we will be free to float around the "brilary" grazing on our fantasies. I am going to retire unto my bed and dream my self into my "brilary". hehehehehehehehehehheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheh

I'm in muthas

Hey ya. I made it in. I'm probably the craziest mutha in here. I am going to twist it up wevery which way from sunday. In reply to rob's New orleans Post... I want to go so bad but I'll need some dates or something. I would probably drive from here. The Delta has been in my dreams lately, seriously, The South is calling me. Isn't there something in Moab that month as well. I probably couldn't swing both. I think I would prefer NO at this point. pece out.

I'm tired

In small doses can you physically feel your life escaping your body? Is it possible that smog and congestion and a pervading aura of malcontent can lift apirations from your pocket? The lights in this city are fed by the souls of its inhabitants much in the same manner that drug addicts feed the very source that afflicts them. Can you drown in set concrete? Maybe. You can definately suffocate.

New Orleans Jazz Festival

Anyone looking for a vacation should think about joining me in New Orleans at the end of April.

www.nojazzfest.com

I've never been to new orleans, although i have slept with a few Big Easy's. clever but not funny.

People say it is the time to go to N.O., rowdy, tons of music but not quite as depraved as mardi gras. The line-up is unbelievable. There are two weekends of it (april 22-24 or april 28-may 1), so here's the debate. weekend 1 has The Roots and the original Meters Reunion and Dr. John...while weekend 2 has BB King (thursday) widespread panic, DMB, Jack Johnson, Toots and the Maytals, Dirty Dozen Brass Band, Galactic, Neville Brothers, Isaac Hayes, Trey Anastasio, Michael Franti and Spearhead, Karl Denson's Tiny Universe......damn thats a lot of good bands. damn damn damn. but the original meters reunion.....damn damn damn. i am stuck. and i need to book flights and hotel rooms pretty soon i guess.

my one friend that has committed is leaning towards weekend 1...we're pretty obsessed with the meters and there's tons of random music to see that would be fun. I'll be booking flights by the end of the week, so if anyone is interested and has a weekend preference, let me know soon.

Blogsplosion

"A fool who thinks he is a fool is for that very reason a wise man. The fool who thinks that he is wise is called a fool indeed." I think that I am wise.



more email addresses for joe hio:
lizrinaldi@aol.com
kerry.machnica@zurichna.com
onthepa@yahoo.com (ryan)

Rob's inner ear

Took pot for the first time since New Years last night. Kick ass. Bored like a monkey without a smycho today at work. New York smells like Rob's inner ear.
Here are some email addresses for you Roberto:
Bryan cournoyer@sbcglobal.net
Jake cournoyer@wisc.edu
Kate kweisen@du.edu

Taking suggestions on my blogger screen name, winner will receive a bronzed toe nail.

succass

ahhh good to see this is coming together.

est. turnaround time from when i decided to do it to when i actually sent out invitations: one month

today's rob update: yesterday i didnt eat any meat
although i slipped a special lady the meat
so i'm still a man, right?
I do feel strangely focused, although i could also attribute that to yesterday's lessened crack rock intake.


I missed the invites on a lot of people, lacking e-mail addresses. I need Molly's, Jakes, Brian, Kerry, and kate.
especially jake. he has a terriffic ass.

Hey Rob

What's you're email address and did you send an invite to Kate, Bryan, or Adam?

Is there anybody in here?

Just nod if you can hear me. Can you show me where it hurts. There is no pain you are recieving. The distance ships look on the horizon. You are only coming through in words. You're lips move but I can't hear what you're saying. And so on.