Cousins, meet Grace.

Grace, meet the cousins.

I'm not normally one for YouTube links, but this is just too good.

The following transcript was recorded prior to this event.

"Quick, someone help! These dolphins are choking on chunks of plastic!"
"I have medical instruments that might help".
"No way, those are too short."
"Hey, I know! We'll get the world's tallest man to reach his world's tallest arms down the dolphins throats and extract the plastic!"
"It's sure to work!"
"It can't fail!"

Console Gamers are not Hardcore Gamers

As I’m reading the latest issue of Electronic Gaming Monthly talking about Gears of War, I saw the words “hardcore gamers” in a sentence. I scoffed at the notion of console gamers as hardcore gamers. There’s nothing hardcore about console games and the gamers that play them, with maybe a very slight exception to fighting games, but I’ll get to that.
You see, there’s a reason there’s a very, very forgiving damage model in most action-packed console games. It’s the limited control scheme that a gamepad gives you. The gamepad are great for platformers like Super Mario 64 and Ratchet & Clank.
Here’s a case in point: My sister’s boyfriend has been playing Call of Duty 2 for months on his Xbox 360 and has beaten it three times. I watched as he took direct hits of 2 grenades and an ungodly amount of bullets, yet he still trekked on, oblivious to all the damage done to his on-screen persona. I was amazed, becaused Call of Duty 2 on my computer was a lot less forgiving (not to mention I play on the hardest difficulty.)

Fast forward it 3 weeks later, as he watched me play Call of Duty 2 on my computer. One direct hit from a grenade sent me to the Load Game screen. He commented that he never died that easily, and then it dawned on him why. Forgiving damage modelling for these games to accomodate the limitations of the gamepad and slow response time for these kind of action games. In fact, it is utterly boring watching anyone play Call of Duty 2 on the console when it is much more fast-paced and visceral on the computer.
Now some fanboys will claim that there are tournaments for console games, but the reason is simple: to make money. There’s no talent or skills involved, it’s just to showcase the games and allow console gamers to compete against each other.
When Quake 3 came out for the Dreamcast, PC gamers and console gamers for the first time to my recollection, could compete against each other. Suffice to say, even the sorriest Quake 3 player on the computer was heads-and-shoulders above those playing the Dreamcast version. Ping wasn’t a factor, either. This isn’t the console gamers’ fault, but as I mentioned above, a severe limitation of the gamepad, plain and simple.
Racing games on the console don’t count, they are just giant memory tests, where you memorize a linear racetrack to beat competitors, with a little twitch hand-eye coordination thrown in (drafting, avoiding collisions, etc.) Fighting games are the only type of games that can be considered hardcore, but not many allow you to go online and compete on any considerable level.
On the other hand, there are numerous tournaments for PC games. There’s the big ones, like Counter Strike (original and Source), Quake 3 and Quake 4, the Battlefield series, and a multitude of RTS games. The mouse and keyboard control scheme allows for a much more fluid and responsive control than gamepads, and is the reason why online and offline tournaments on the computer are lightning fast and insanely competitive.
So as you can see, scoffing at the notion of console gamers as being hardcore has me wondering just what the editors at Electronic Gaming Monthly (and any other console gamers) are smoking when they view themselves as hardcore gamers. Because as it is these days, it’s just not possible.

Vientienne Palace

I just got back from a delightful little dinner with my broseph sean. It was at Vientienne Palace (picture a trailer that crashed into a gas station). There are a few good things about Vientienne Palace and they are as follows: If you want to have to run home puckering your asshole shut then this is the place for you; If you want to affirm the stereotype of fourty-something vietnamese women being the most frightening she-devils alive, this is the place for you.

The second issue of late is my feud with the chestbumping, cromagnon, bi-curious, boys above me. They are constantly peeing onto my porch from their higher balcony, and refusing to respond to my booming awesomeness when I yell "Hey Dickhead stop pissing on my porch!" I even tried adressing him with "That's cute Abercrombie boy" to which he pauses and shyly returns "its a free country." If nothing else I am honing my ability to be assertive. I know what your thinking, and yes I have read Tsun Tsu's The Art of War, and yes I understand that he who has the higher ground wins the battle. However, what if I am able to go above him? Did you ever think of that you bastard!

Finally, I would like you to take a look at this tourism video hosted by the Governator comedic genius. http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-6273516331625693260&q=arnold+brazil&hl=en

Phone Trace Technology

Dudes, check out this phone trace feature www.phonetrace.org . I can't belive that this is possible! Just type in your cell phone number and get ready to be amazed.

Mr. Paul Grant Harper

Here is a letter that was faxed to the front desk of the Best Western in Madison where Giovanna works it reades as follows:

"Dear Corporate President,
Your hotel security could use a little updating, not to mention, admitting the greedy, treasonous embezzlers, into your establishment, who did nothing but take pot shots at my life expectancy. I am a recording artist, with a diploma from the Audio Institute of America. On the front of my appartment window I have a National Trooper and Police sticker. On the back window of my apartment I have a County Police Association sticker. Then there are those who want "dibs", on all of the opportunities in my life, because they are too lazy and greedy to create their own opportunities. Take no shit from anyone on this matter. Its pretty bad when the Best Western staff has to write me a letter, which is un-opened, to prove that I called my Represenative in Peshtigo.
Sincerely Pissed Off,
Paul Grant Harper"

There was no letter written by the Best Western staff to a Mr. Paul Grant Harper

The Many Faces of Adam

Personally I think its an improvement.

Wait a minute, that Jake skiing shot was doctored! Good thing I have a copy of the original:

Skiing This Winter

I was wondering what everybody's plans for skiing this winter were. I have about the month of January off and I would like to drive out West and rip some pow. Just to entice you a bit this is what Adam, Rob, and I got last year.

Happy Black Friday

The 002

Since this blog is so light on toilet humor, here's a new 12-step program for pooping in honor of the new James Bond movie. I call it the Double-O-Two.

1. Enter bathroom
2. Remove lower garmentry
3. Sit
4. Make a gun out of index finger and thumb
5. Point gun at wall, or mirror if preferred
   
6. Push fecal matter through GI tract
   
7. Bend thumb down like trigger when turd hits toilet water
8. Make quiet shooting noise with mouth
9. Blow on tip of index finger as though it were smoking
   
10. Wipe
11. Shake, but don't stir, toilet water
12. Leave and never look back
    

You're going to die!!

http://evil.berzerker.net/death_predictions.php

Matt Williams: At age 71 you will be hit by a train while napping on the railroad tracks.

props to the cuzzins for not having one serious profile on the blogger (although the favorite books section was legitimate for the most part (which is cool.)) kerry wins the most serious profile award by giving a serious date of birth and place of residence. go kerry.

RAGE

This is the view from couch in my new apartment in Brooklyn. I feel that it may have had an adverse effect on my mental well being.

its good to see the blog is still going strong, even though rob isnt. i watched baseball so i could hear the word pujols 25 times per couple hours. kyle and dee, sean's foot is on backwords, and "im going to sketch the shit out of her, dude" is possibly the best quote iv ever heard. rob...i dont even know what to say to you. after having now been single for what seems like longer than i ever have before, our situations have reversed. I have little advice for you. everyone argues sometimes but its shitty shes attacking you personally. i come fast too, thats why i got my toungue pierced (i think im just joking.) i had no idea kelly would be that kind of girlfriend. perhaps something is shitty in her life? also, you should go bowling. its a fun game. clears your head.

failure

Three things that I am not built for are being a delivery driver, being in an argumentative relationship, and menial work on a computer. These things pretty much define my life right now. I should start bowling every night so that I can live in a permanent state of failure.

That's probably not a horrible idea actually. It would be good for my ego, which apparently needs work, as I have been called both narcissistic and condescending in the last week. These are probably the two insults that I find to be the worst. I have also been told that I cum too fast, which combined with the two previous claims against me, certainly adds to the second of the problems above.

This is the only problem really worth addressing, as both delivery driving and repetetive work are temporary and getting easier. Arguing, despite more practice in a short-time than I've ever encountered before, is not. It's fucking me all up. I couldn't enjoy my badass concert because of it, and I fear that my coming camping weekend in Utah may suffer a similar fate.

I try. I try not to argue. I try to be inoffensive, and when the heat rises, I try to end the conversation before it turns worse. These efforts have failed, so now I am begging for advice.

I can offer the following insight into my problem, so you may more effectively psychoanalyze me:
-I take every argument very personally
-I see every one as another step towards the end
-I am irritable sometimes, especially under my current status of heavy failure
-I knew from the start that things fall apart
-I don't at all enjoy arguing. I don't have the stomach for it. I have no experience with it, and am unable to think about anything besides argument lines for days after each one. I can handle few more.


And I have already received the following advice, from a guru in the field name marquise, whose reputation with girls is very strong, despite his divorce: Decide while cool-headed how much you can take. How much bad you can handle before it outweighs the good. When the scale starts to tip, tell her how you feel, that something needs to change, but make sure to do it in a nonconfrontational way. (my idea that I tell her that it will be over after 2 more fights was shot down, but I still think it has merit somehow)

So anyway, I need some advice. I like this girl very much, and for the first time in years, maybe ever, I like having a girlfriend. But at this rate, it's gon be fucked in two more fights. Thoughts?

Baseball

So baseball season has ended. It took probably 90 months. Even with the Tigers in the World Series, I was unable to watch an entire game. I would put it on in the background with music on while I did homework, and it still wasn't stimulating enough. Baseball sucks. I believe that having baseball as our national past time is the real reason why the muslim world hates us.

Fortunately, there is a solution. The venerable and esteemed Hunter S. Thompson has written some new rules of baseball. Let's Watch:

Hunter S Thompson's baseball improvements:

Eliminate the pitcher: This will take at least one hour off the length of the game. Pitchers as a group are pampered litttle swine with too much money and no real effect on the game except to drag it out and interrupt the action.

Limit all games to three (3) hours.

All base runners may run to any base. First to third, second to home, etc. and with no pitcher in the game, this frantic scrambling across the infield will be feasable and tempting.

All pitching, by the way will be done with a fine-tuned pitching machine that pops up out of the mound, delivers a remote controlled pitch to the batter, and then drops back out of sight to free up the whole infield for running...if a batter hits a grand slam, for instance, his team will score 16 bases (or 16 points)

The heroes of the game will be the catchers. Foot speed and a bazooka throwing arm will be paramount. there will be no more of this bullshit about bull pens and managers scratching their heads on TV for hours on end...

There will be no such thing as a base on balls. Each batter will get 5 pitches from the robot, and if he doesn't get a hit by then, he is Out.

...and the catcher will control the kind of drop or curve or speed he wants the machine to throw. And it will obey. These goddamn pitching machines can put a slider past you at 98 miles an hour 5 times in a row with no problem. He can even order that the batter be whacked in the ribs by a 102 mph fastball, although this will cost his team two bases instead of one. And you won't want to have some poor Cuban drilled in the ribs when you're nursing a 31-30 lead....

Art school innuendo

Do you care that I was sitting on the bus next to a couple of undergrads with full-on 'dude' manner of talking? Or that they were art students and wore rediculous clothing like a tee shirt and tie or a twisted cap, dress coat and jeans? Or that one of them was talking about a girl, and was hoping to "Sketch the shit out of her, dude".

I don't think it was deliberate innuendo, since the conversation was all about art supplies and drawing styles...but damn, I liked it.

BIg Baby

So it seems at just over 7 months our baby is in the 87th percentile for size at this stage. That means that 87 % percent of women have smaller babies at this point in the pregnancy. The doctor also said that there is a error possibility of 15% which means that the baby could either be in the 62nd percentile or 100th percentile. So what I'm getting at is this: its entirely possible that we are about to have the biggest baby, ever. Think about that.