My story is not a sad one. My life has been pretty good for a while. I am in an obsessive, productive phase. I am totally absorbed with learning about money and gambling. I manic-depressively have been sucking up information trying to come up with new ideas. This was most likely turned on due to rejection. In the last couple of years a lot of my musings have been focused on the idea that anyone is capable of achieving anything they wish. When we are in grade school teachers tell us that we can be anything we want when we grow up, yet many people are envious of other people's situations. I don't get it. Where is the lapse? When does a person give up on his goals? More importantly, why do some people look at somethings as too daunting to begin. For example, it drives me fucking crazy when people make excuses as to why they are not good at something..."well, I'm just not good at math"...well the problem lies not within your ability to do arithmatic, it lies in your ability to try hard, to begin a daunting journey towards a goal, your lack of self-confidence. We all have the resources at our fingertips to become professional mathmaticians if we would like, you can take open-source MIT courses, learn on youtube, or read a friggin' book. Why are so many people overweight? I don't get it, why don't you have enough confidence in yourself to put down the cheeseburger and run? I postulate that all of our inner-selves should be arrogant, narcissistic monsters. Humility on the outside and a scorpion on the inside. My favorite movie right now is There Will be Blood. The guy is haunted by oil and money. I want to punch slow people in the face. If you want something handed to you, I'm going to hand you my excrement while I use your spine as launching pad to devour the top-rung. Get excited and destroy.
Anyway, that's what I have been thinking about lately. Of course I am unable to practice what I preach. I am trying to become more resilient to quiting when I study, when I exercise, resilient to laziness, but I have a long way to go. I waste many mornings with my mind still functioning half-assed. Also, I have not really achieved anything so I cannot preach with any credibility.
Rubb, on creativity: I think it was naive of myself when I used to think that I could get by on creativity alone. I think the more realistic pathway to a life well lived is become a master of your field( or hobby) first. Once you have achieved this then it is time to begin training your mind to wander (i.e. drugs, dreaming, depravation). You have to first stand upon the backs of your predecessors, then form new synapses. A suggestion: the sober mind is much more facile than the poisoned. I beleive that on occasion you need to go berserck and show your brain that your not afraid to punish it, but doing this is easy and mindless, one should not . Instead learn something new.
I'm bored of my own writing
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3 comments:
"If you want something handed to you, I'm going to hand you my excrement while I use your spine as launching pad to devour the top-rung." That's definitely in the running for "best sentence cousin-blogged award." Awesome post in general.
I have been thinking the exact opposite of you lately Brant. For about 2 months now, I have completely lost productivity as an intrinsic goal. It's probably just exhaustion, and it resurfaces every now and then, so it's probably not deceased. What kills me is the belief that, I should accomplish all of these external goals, and then life begins. I had it for about a year and a half "once summer is here, then I'll become a better, happier person." "Once school is done, life begins." Life is right fucking now. Once school is done, there's other things for you to put off your life for, and there always will be.
If you have any goals besides achievement, sometimes you gotta be like, "fuck achievement."
I am the last one to say that an idle, lazy life is the goal. I do not want an easy life. Challenges and struggle and pain are the most interesting experience. They are the only way we grow as people. They are the bring brush-strokes on the painting of our lives. My problem is, I've been painting with one color. My life has revolved around a single goal. I love my goal of learning psychology and doing interesting research so I can get a job as a professor. But I miss my other goals. Writing. Meditating. Learning about some other shit. Meeting new people. I no longer believe that these can be put off, that one goal can dominate. I do not at all believe that I should master my field before I can, in the words of Karl Denson, "check out my mind." These fields take life-times to master, and even if we could be the best ever and get to the top in 10 years, creative living and drugs and ridiculous travel and enlightenment are going to be harder then than they are now.
I'm not saying don't fight. I think by nature most of us are fighters, and we always will be. We should continue to try to choose what to fight for, but we should do so by our own standards. There are things to dominate that are far from our parents' definitions of achievement, they are unobservable and without external reward, but should not be neglected for those reasons alone. My role model is a guy I made up named Darrell, and he's fucking homeless.
I think the main reason why people go after the obvious forms of achievement are because of the obviousness of them. It's real hard to decide what to fight for, to decide what the meaning of your life should be. But it's the biggest question you can ask, and the time is Right Now.
Don't take that as directed toward Brant. His choice of trading was clearly not the obvious goal of someone getting an advanced degree in a very employable field. Don't take it is directed at anyone, just the late night thoughts of a restless bastard.
I whole-heartedly agree with you that "accomplishment" doesn't mean a smearing of degrees or plaques on your wall. I think that the person that I am angry with is the person that makes excuses for not trying HARD. I think that everyone has something that they make excuses for, or "handicap" themselves with. In the general population it may be the person who doesn't begin an exercise program because the goal is so distant and progress is so slow. A common excuse being that their metabolism is slow or genetics bullshit. The real answer is they eat more than they move period.
My church is The Chearch of Learning and Creativity. One should absolutely maximize their time in mind. This includes all forms of learning: learning to fix a bike, trying something new, using your non-dominant hand, getting a phd, reading recreationaly, exercising, muscle memory tasks, occasionally drinking booze until you lose control etc etc. The goal is to develop your mind to its fullest capacity.
Students in my class "handicap" themselves by continually telling themselves that their workload is too much. I can't tell you how many times I have heard "I would love do X if I didn't have to study all the time." In reality studying probably takes up only a small percentage of wake time, they are just factoring in going out on weekends, eating, watching their favorite TV show. What they should be saying is "well I study a lot but I could always have studied a bit more." It is important never to put limitations on your capabilities. A common misconception is "well as long as you gave it your all..." I postulate that in very few instances did that person actually give it their "all". I could have tried harder, and next time I will train harder and faster and win. Burnout is a myth that the mind creates because it is difficult to continue.
So if I had to preach (more than I already am) to Rubb I would say. Toss away the burnout bullshit, and rebalance your learning. If it is impossible to cut back on your work time, then you will have to find time elsewhere. Take a weekend off from going out drink a shitload of coffee and take the first tiny step towards some goal you've always wanted to accomplish. Those are my favorite weekends.
My current learning goals are studying options(youtube and the internet are awesome) and learning how to count cards in blackjack (for a vegas trip in summer). As a disclaimer, I am unable to practice as rigorously as I preach due to my own handicapping
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