Ladies and gentlemen, I want to introduce you to the idea of farting in the pocket of a calzone.

That is all.

clever names

Heyo,
I am taking part in a charity to raise funds for mens health where men grow mustaches for November. I am on a team and need a team name; one that exudes manlyness. Riff On!

Sweet Ass Shoes

Guys, listen, I'm looking for some sweet ass shoes. Anyone have a brand/style to recommend? No more Adidas. I know Bubb is rocking the Kenneth Cole's, and Puddin Tame is working the Birkenstocks-with-wool socks look.

Entrepenisualism

So I was thinking about Rubb's idea to start a some sort of business...actually I was drinking coffee, driving, and dreaming about what it would be like to be a cowboy (would I have been a cowboy? what is the modern equivalent of a cowboy?). I have a Harley Davidson bandanna that I like to wear around my face pretending I were an outlaw cowboy; I jump at any occasion to do this. The frigid Wisconsin winter bicycle commutes give me excuse. To get back to the point, I was thinking that one could manufacture at a pretty reasonable cost some pretty cool bandannas and sell them. I like the idea of giving a large portion of the profits to charity and I think that this would be a critical element to selling an overpriced bandanna. On the idea of having different products reflect different charities, one could have local cultural patterns signify the charity to which you donated. For example a Native American pattern bandanna that gives its profits to some reservation charity. Or a traditional African cloth pattern for an Africa charity. I think it would be reasonable to charge $20 or $25 for a nice cloth bandanna, especially one that has charity built into its price. The bandanna is an extremely versatile item too that is used by many different segments. Snowboarders are now using bandannas in the fashion I mentioned above, athletes use them for sweat, hipsters tie them around their wrists, you could continue the list forever. More coffee...I was thinking I have wanted to ride my bike out to Colorado, but if I were to do it, might as well at least make an attempt at doing it for some charity or the like. One could use personal feats like this as promotion for a product. I also thought that one could use the bike messenger system in large cities as promotion vehicles for a product such as this. These are just my coffee fueled thoughts and after the buzz faded, so too went my enthusiasm.

random banana

So I just followed a link to Matt's other blog: Random Banana. Its on his profile if any one is interested.

I'm not sure what to think. The last post was from january talking about new years resolutions, one of which was to write more, which I found ironic. Upon further reading, I came across a post about velarian root. I went into it curious about what it did, how it felt, and so on, and I came out knowing the very graphic nature of his bedtime shenanigans with the wife. There was one sentance, and one sentance only, describing the non-gaseous effects of the root. It says "PS-Valerian Root Extract gives you weird dreams."


I also noticed that below were I am now typing, the first example of "Labels for this post" is scooters. the second and third are vacation and fall respectively. How the hell is scooters more common of a topic than adventures and seasonal change? There can't be more than five blogs in all of blogsville that is entirely about scooters. Does anyone even have them anymore and who is going to go out on the internet and talk about it in detail. I couldn't even force an entire post about scooters if I had to. "It was shiney and fun and awkward." done.

Business Plan

I've had this idea for a business for a while, and lately I've become sort of obsessed with it. I would be interested in starting this business with one of you if you like it. I think it could be extremely successful, and would make the world a much better place.

The Idea: A pro-social alternative to diamonds. A gemstone similar in price and prettiness, but the profit goes to charities instead of diamond companies who raise rice by controlling supply, and exploit native populations.

There are two reasons people wear diamonds and other jewelry: They're pretty and they signify wealth. They could also signify caring about poor people or disease or the environment, while not sacrificing the other two reasons.

So basically people would buy jewelry from us at a high price, and the profit would go to some charity of our or their choosing. The jewelry would have a unique look, that after a marketing campaign would be tied to our company and would signify that the wearer cares about making the world a better place.

I really think it would be quite successful. Part of the reason everyone wore those livestrong bracelets was because it was a way to show people you donated to cancer research. It's extremely trendy to show that you care about the environment and less fortunate populations. Celebrities would love it, and that would be a ton of free publicity. Jewelry is a huge industry, both in terms of number of users and revenue, but most users a little frustrated by the feeling that the money is wasted. Displays of wealth and rampant consumerism aren't all that hip anymore. But displays of caring are. My education in marketing would probably help us get funding, support, and publicity.


I haven't made final decisions about everything. The key question is what we actually sell. Maybe it's a fake diamond that is colored. Maybe different colors signify different causes (green=environment, red=disease, etc). Maybe we do some fancy dying technique and it's really multi-colored. Maybe it's cut differently, like in a sphere or an angel. Maybe it's a different identifiable gem that we would buy up and then sell at a marked up price. Maybe it's not a gem but a material (so not a diamond alternative but a gold alternative). It just has to be unique and recognizable. It probably should be difficult to fake, but I don't think fakes will be too big of a problem.

So there's the idea. I hope to follow through with it, but I need business partners.

Argentina Story

The first thing that I write and that you read should probably be that this story is not going to be all that interesting. Unlike the Peru trip, which involved some serious challenges like the mountain climb and some funny “it’s different out there” anecdotes like goats tied to bus roofs, there really weren’t any dramatic or amusing events in Argentina. So feel free to stop reading. I’m mainly just writing this to see how it will go. I traveled around Argentina for a month, there must be a story worth telling there, right? We will see.



The story starts the way it ends – with horrible diarrhea and the decision that a little bit of butt-coffee isn’t going to slow me down. I had problems when I got there, a cough and severe case of the runs, and after 30 hours of traveling I was a bit weakened. So we went on a bar crawl and to a club until 5AM. It was a fun night; meeting lots of people, getting to know the people I would be traveling with, and some of the more enthusiastic dancing I have ever managed. There was also a hilarious shit in a hilarious bathroom and some vomit during the course of the night, but I interpreted these obvious signs of weakness to mean strength, as I didn’t let them impact my behavior.


Notebook entry from that night: "Is it better to keep these heavy prices (inevetable hangover, vomit, worsening of stomach) in mind as I step into the bipolar embrace of alcohol? No. Because just like the beautiful women who have brought culture to it’s designer-jeaned knees, I too cannot resist a reckless embrace. And once that eye contact is made, an increase in cost just tightens the embrace… On the other hand, keeping the hangover cost salient should remind me that if I can’t walk for a day after dancing, I might as well dance the right way – with beautiful women and without fear or hesitation".


I’ll tell the health story now so I can maybe stop talking about it. It never got better, and towards the end of the trip it was ridiculous. I was crapping water 5-10 times a day, my stomach hurt after every meal, during all exercise, and much of the rest of the time, I had lost 15 pounds, my cough was worse, I developed a head cold, I couldn’t drink 2 beers without throwing up, and I was breaking out in hives covering up to a third of my body in bright red irritating splotches. There was never a time where I let it affect my choice of behavior, which may or may not have been a good decision. When I got back I pooped in cups for a week, and got a giardia diagnosis and some strong pills out of it. I was feeling better by then besides the hives, and now I think I'm 100%.

One extremely fun day was wine tour day. We rented bikes and had a map of 10 wineries all within biking distance of each other. We started off strong, buying a bottle at about 10AM and hugely enjoying walking around the winery and drinking it. We had joined forces with 3 irish kids, and together called ourselves the Blue Angels. “Blue” because we all had blue or greeny-bluey eyes and “Angels” because we were a bike gang. We weren’t the toughest bike gang (wine tasting, intellectual conversation, gratuities), but we did manage to have some trouble with the law, when I fell off my bike in front of our random police escort. Wine tastings there are large wine glasses filled to the brim, so when you go to your 3rd winery and say that you’d like the 4-wine-tasting, you’re going to have trouble with your bike from then on. We made up a drinking game called Knockers to help get the wine down. After we had to return our bikes, we bought a 5 liter jug of wine for 5$ and drank that, then went out all night. We woke up the whole hostel at 5AM yelling at Dave because he lost the paper rock scissors tournament so he had to go sit on the bidet like we agreed, damnit.

The trip went by in a fairly consistent routine. I would wake up and do something slightly touristy, often with my friends from the states or 24hours friends from Ireland or England. This included hiking, skiing, wandering around and shopping in a hungover daze, or going on guided tours of regions with cool geography, kind of like Moab. Then late dinner and bed or late dinner and drinks with interesting people. All fun and interesting, but none particularly story-worthy. I was traveling alone for a lot of this, which added a bit to the interest level.


A few highlights:
-The incredible powder day at Bariloche (2 feet of fresh snow, great terrain, a massive jump, a Venezuelan buddy, and probably being the best skier/boarder on the mountain)

-The Christian amusement park
-The 4 of 4 soccer game

-Rock Climbing
-8AM club night, with real live girl!
-One night I sat at a bar for over an hour by myself and worked on compassion. Just sitting there, sipping beer, and trying to love everyone in the place. Had some success. Actually one of the better nights of the trip.
-All the 24 hours friendships made while traveling alone. (The phrase comes from the fact that it feels like a real friendship, but last less than 24 hours).

-The salt flats. Crazy landscape makes for cool pictures.
-Views of the beauty just outside of the ski town (Bariloche, Patagonia)


A few more notebook entries:
-“I think I have already achieved my goal of renewing my appreciation for some of the everyday pleasures of civilized life that are normally taken for granted – my bathroom and bed, sandwiches and ice cubes, music and silence, and Dear God I need some damn hot sauce.”

-“I’m writing by the light of a heater, which unfortunately provides far more light than heat. Glad I have top bunk.”


-“This is what traveling is all about. Your pants and shoes may be covered in vomit from last night, but you put those nasty fuckers back on and undertake your day of hiking and wine-tasting. You skip the wine-tasting but lose these health points by eating raw meat and spicy goat cheese bought out of the back of a truck in the desert. Then you shart yourself at “The Devil’s Throat” landmark (seen at right), wipe with the cheese wrapper, and travel on.”

-“GI tract just experienced another dishonorable discharge. It will have to be up to the history books whether it’s battles abroad were marked by cowardice or resilience in the face of adversity.”

“This trip is like a fortune cookie with no fortune in it. Sure, it lacks the expected wisdom, wisdom which would provide little more than amusement. But despite it’s hollow nature, it is still a sweet and palette-cleansing, offering a tame, pleasant punctuation mark to a pile of tasty nourishment.

“I will never understand the world’s obsession with dancing. How hours of standing and rhythmically moving the hips is a requirement of a fun night out is just baffling to me”

“Dear body:
Expelling green liquids has not solved your health problems. It’s been over a month. Try something else.”



A few lessons learned:
-Act better than you feel. This is probably the most important one. I never really felt good enough to go on hikes or go skiing or go sit down at a table full of people I don’t know and who require great effort to talk to. I did it anyway, with very few exceptions, and of course I am glad I did. I think this lesson gets more and more important as we age. Does my mom feel good enough to walk to Crested Butte? Probably not, but she’s definitely glad she did it this summer. So this is basically “do it anyway.” When you’re sick, you’ll feel like shit whether you’re laying in bed or out having fun, so you might as well go out. The picture on the right is of a night where I really felt horrible and joined in for a fun night anyway. I threw up on the street about 45 minutes after this picture was taken.
But there’s another meaning to this quote. Act like you’re having fun, even if your stomach hurts. Smiling itself makes you happy (this has been scientifically supported). Act like you’re a great person, even if lately you feel like you’re an asshole. Act like you’re brave, even if you’re terrified of approaching strange girls. Act like you’re outgoing, spontaneous, creative, unique…act how you want to act, even if that’s not really who you think you are. It reminds me of the Aristotle quote “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence is not an act but a habit.” If you act kind or clever, then that’s what you are. It may be a bit forced at first, but it will become natural. Also reminds me of a Jurassic 5 lyric “Be bold, whether platinum or gold.” Even when we don’t feel our best, we’re all still pretty awesome and should act accordingly.

-“Taking care of your body is not a sign of weakness or old age. In moderation, it is part of the recipe for a life well lived.”

-My life in Michigan is actually pretty great.

-“Those with glass stomachs should not eat stones.”

-When you first meet someone, the conversation is pretty boring. Actually, most conversations are boring. The solution to this is to have a list of interesting questions, and the willingness to ask them even though “where are you from” is more socially appropriate. A few I was rocking: “What have you learned on your travels?” “What is the biggest challenge in your life?” “If your trip/life ended right now, what would be your biggest regret?”

-Talk to strangers. Learning, teaching, and meeting interesting people are amongst my favorite things in life, and this should be just as easy to accomplish at home by talking to stranger. Who cares if it’s momentarily uncomfortable at first. Fuck comfort.

-Will power alone does not grant the ability to speak Spanish.

-When I go to a bar with the goal of meeting women, I usually have neither success nor fun.

-LAN airlines is great.

-Wine+Bikes=Awesome

New TV Show

• 
  

Starring Adam Williams and Kyle Smith as pre-teen bad ass detectives.

I call it:

11 Jump Street


Adam will be the charming, overzealous, trigger-happy type with the troubled past.

Kyle will be the humorous and sensible brainiac in charge of keeping Adam in check.

The main villain of the show will be a crime syndicate called the Minor Criminals or MC.


Adam's Tagline: "If looks could kill, I'd be double the nightmare!"

Kyle's Tagline: "Me equals MC scared!"

Taking creative suggestions for the show.

Know what's a pain in the neck? The pain in my neck. It still hurts from the Green Lake tubing fall. Maybe whiplash. If so, Jake, look for some therapy & massage oil bills to be heading your way.

Ready for Reggae

funny joke

Jason came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk (as he often did) and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave his wife a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
“Who the hell are you?” Demanded Jason, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?”.
The mysterious Man answered “This isn’t your bedroom and I’m St. Peter”.
Jason was stunned “You mean I’m dead!!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t said goodbye to my family…. you’ve got to send me back straight away”.

St Peter replied “Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.” Jason was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

“This ain’t so bad” he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said “So you’re the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?”
“It’s not so bad” replies Jason, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”.
“You’re ovulating” explained the rooster, “don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before”.
“Never” replies Jason.
“Well just relax and let it happen”.
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had ever happened to him… ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous SMACK on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting “Jason, wake up you drunken bastard, you’re shitting the bed!”

favorite word

this time i thought id do something more interactive.

what is your favorite word and why?



mine is suspiciously because it is so damn flexible.

George Clooney is suspiciously dreamy.
Those boobs are suspiciously large.
I masterbate suspiciously often.
2 girls, 1 cup was suspiciously popular.

rothbury notes

rachael
the forest
masterbating, angry, muddy, naked guy
friendly naked couple
the 2 fiends and the nitrous tank
glowsticks; on frisbee, on strings, in my sleeves
doses,boomers,nugs,baby turtles
rufies,duct tape
kendra dancing to kwitty saying "obama, obama bama, obama, obama bama"
Molly on molly (molly squared)



sts9
chromeo
glitch mob
ani defranco
string cheese(100's of excessively large beach balls, waves of glowsticks, fire spinners, hoola hoopers on mini platforms scattered in the croud)
femi kuti
BREAK SCIENCE FT. ADAM DEITCH
lotus
disco biscuits

Deuce

Dee is red hot preggers. Sean #2 all up in your face March 1. Friends better get busy; we're leaving you in our baby wake.

Name suggestions welcome (gender undetermined as yet). Top contenders:
--Muscles
--Swiss Miss Christmas Smith
--Cptn. Huggies Smith

Bikram Yoga

Jesus fucking monkey sweat. That was ridiculous.

Bikram yoga is 90 minutes of intense yoga stretches in a room heated to about 110 degrees. It is fucking intense. I honestly thought I was going to pass out at that 75 minute mark. By then, whenever she said "rest" I would collapse on my towel, and hear a squishing sound like when you squeeze a sponge because it had so much sweat on it. Then after 3 seconds you do a really fast sit-up-stretch thing and every time I was pretty sure i would fall right back down again. Fuckin ridiculous.

I feel pretty strong now, though still light-headed, brain-dead and dehydrated. I bought a 10-day pass so will try to go at least 7 times in the next 10 days. I enjoy the combination of painful and good for you, and figure there's some chance I will keep this up and be a better person for it.

But still. Shit.

What the fuck?

I'd like to go 30 years into the future to see if cent has replaced cents in the english dictionary for the plural of cent. Because if it has become completely acceptable for cent to be the plural of cent than I'm just going to give up on life right now. If you have 30 pennies, its 30 FUCKING CENTS, PLURAL! Also, if a situation deserves a "what the fuck" just say "what the fuck," don't say or write or think "wtf" unless you're a lazy asshole.


ps-my job blows

also-how much longer are gigantic sunglasses going to be cool, I fucking hate those. Maybe people should just start wearing full facial sunglasses.

Online Dating

First of all, this is a ridiculous debate, and I present it here primarily for your amusement. Secondly, It's something I'm actually considering primarily due to it's ridiculousness, and would be open to any serious thoughts on it. Thirdly, it's a pretty hilarious medium for hooliganry, and I'd also be open to any suggestions on how to play with it.

The background: I've been back in Michigan three weeks, and have had a concert circled on my calendar for the whole time. This concert is on thursday, it's Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings, who I love. It has only sit-down seats, and I was hoping I'd meet a girl and take her to the show. I didn't even try to meet a girl, partly because I don't think I want to be in a relationship or have random one-night stands, which basically means I don't want to meet girls. But I do want a date for this show...

So this morning I had the idea of putting an ad on craigslist to go to this concert with me. Seemed like an interesting thing to do. My ad:
There's a concert of a band that I love on thursday, and I'm thinking that would be a good time to get to know someone new.
The concert: Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings. Amazing lady-funk. Tickets are on me.
Me: Grad student at Michigan. Deep, funny, interesting, attractive.
You: Sweet, adventurous, attractive. And you must be a fan of the funk of course.

Now I have lots of replies (7) from girls that seem nice and like the funk and I have no idea what to do. I'm actually leaning towards going out with one, because I still believe that anything I've never done is worth doing and online dating is something I've never done. On the other hand, really? Online dating? Jesus.

It's right on the edge of ridiculousness. If it was more ridiculous, I'd do it just because it was ridiculous. But it kinda makes sense too; i want to go to this show with someone and i probably have a better chance of meeting somebody compatable through emails than drunken bar shenanigans. But it's still got that stigma in my mind that makes it not really a legitamate option in my mind. Plus, what type of girls are these that are that on top of craigslist singles postings that they're responding to this so quickly? Plus, if it did work out, it's such a pathetic "how'd you guys meet?" Plus, really? online dating? Jesus.

So questions for the cousins?
-Is this ridiculous enough to make it a good idea?
-Is this sane enough to make it a good idea?

Ah yes, part three. Medium for hooliganry. There's a lot of hilarious things I could do here.
1) Invite them all out to dinner on wednesday, and the winner of this date-off advances to the concert. Too mean and awkward to actually do though.
2) Go to dinner and concert with one. Drop lots of hints that I'm a craiglist pervert with a violence fetish.
3) Obviously a lot of people read these want-ads. I (or we) can do an experiment to see which work best, or how weird of an ad I can write that people would respond to.

Question for the cousins three:
-Any ideas for hooliganry? keep in mind that I live life for amusing memories and stories and will actually do these.

Whipit, Jay Jay Face is back

i also kind of have to poop.

Whipit, Jay Jay Face is back

yup, its true. and umm. well. im kinda stoned?

Name Williams

I'm sure at this point I won't ruin any baby surprises. So, cousins, I believe the time is appropriate to begin selecting the name for the first Obama Cousin. As I understand it, the two top contenders currently are Mrs. Delicious and Knife Williams (as in "Knife guys finish first"). Wee Willy Williams was shot down.