Creative Lewdness

Have you ever seen the american express commercial where they make everday items (purses, couches, chairs, sinks, vacuums, etc.) look like faces?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D9LzO_nLVIc

For some reason I love that commercial. Anywho, I think we can do better and I propose a contest where everyone submits their own picture or pictures. Winner gets a special gift from me of my choosing.

Major points will be awarded for creative lewdness.

Here are a few lame attempts (lacking in lewdness) by me:

Kyle got drunk and farted at my dad.

Over the holidays I like to reflect on the past year, the ups and downs, the bests and worsts. I encourage you to make a list too. Why? Just make the fucking list.

* Favorite movie despite not having seen any of the year’s top rated: Public Enemy
* Favorite (and only) live show: Andrew Bird
* Favorite side characters that steal the friggin show: Andy (The Office), street corner thug (Gran Torino), Jimmy Smits (Dexter), Charlie (Its Always Sunny...)
* Movie that, on revisiting again in my head this year, still think is the most monstrously overrated movie of the decade: Crash (2004)
* God’s cheese gift to me: Dubliner cheese
* Biggest cheese mistake of ’09: last week’s homemade Roquefort & refried bean quesadilla
* Favorite Children’s show I’ve grown to absolutely hate: Yo Gabba Gabba
* Favorite Children’s show that aint so bad: Backyardigans
* Favorite Mr. Stinky: the one down there
* Least favorite weird thing: suddenly gaining weight; my weight has never fluctuated much, then bam, I turn 30 and here comes the pound packing.

Macgyver

A decently amusing story:

I left the bar at 2am last night and went back to my apartment and found myself locked out of it. No fault of my own actually, but that's not relevant to the story. I thought about calling a few friends I was out with so I could crash on their couch, but decided it would cost me a few hours of sleep to deal with getting there and getting back to my place in the morning before I gave my class their final at 10AM, and that breaking into my apartment would present a good challenge. I got really into Macgyver as a stoner undergrad, and figured I had seen enough episodes that I was capable of this. I have seen him break into doors with a credit card, and decided that was the plan.

I figured what I had to do was get the card between the wall and the metal-lock piece that sticks into the wall. This wasn't going to happen; there was a metal shelving for that thing, which I'll call the "penis" for sake of clarity. So the penis was nestled into the vagina, and there was no way my card was coming between the two. Far too big.

I decided what had to be done was to rip the card so it could fit in there. I chose my "check card" which I'm still not sure what it does, and ripped that into a strip that would fit into the vagina. It fit! But there was no way that it was going to be strong enough to push the penis back into the door. I was stuck.

I have also seen movies where people kick down doors, so I decided that was worth a try. I did some stretching (the last thing I needed at that point was a pulled hammy) and decided on body-checking the door instead of kicking it. I left the card piece in there, thinking that might help. So I drilled the door with my body (shoulder is a little sore) but it didn't open. It did seem to move a bit, and when I went back to the door, I could see into the vagina a little better. The penis was still fully in there, but the door was now able to be pushed back far enough where I could almost touch the penis with my finger. I also woke some neighbors. I went back to work with the card, not wanting to completely destroy my door a day before leaving for 3 weeks.

I ripped my check card into 4 strips that I could fit between the penis and vagina, but I still couldn't get any push back on the penis. So I took another credit card and tried to weasel that in, and thought I felt the penis push in. I did that for about 5 minutes, but still didn't feel like I was pushing in on the penis with enough strength. I made it 3 credit cards, and instantly knew I was onto something. Eventually I put a corner of the 3 cards into the vagina, behind the penis (the path was cleared by the ripped card strips still in there) and twisted the cards other corner so it went between the door and the wall, and the door opened. I stood there confused for a second, not really sure what happened. Then I pumped my fists triumphantly and ate some pie.

The end.

Tricky Smit

One trick I like to play, though not really a good idea, is to lead Sean into a tough topic and have him ask Dee about it. Today's was spurred on by a blood drive sign: "Sean, do you want to do a blood drive?", "What's a blood drive?", "Ask your mommy". Then after explaining that it is for grown ups that donate blood for sick people, Sean says "But I'm not sick, so I can eat blood."

The Douchies

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Counter

I have added a counter to our blog. Brant's dubious claim that we are getting to be a big deal on the interweb can now be verified. Or maybe Brant was just claiming that he was a big deal. That can only be verified by flexing in front of a mirror.

I predict that we average about 10 hits a day, 9 of them from us, and one from a male jake-stalker, but we'll see.



It gives me lots of fun stats that I'll share at some point. What hour people go to the site, what sites and search engines they came from, what countries, operating systems, browsers....

Let the counting begin.

Inside Joke Nursery Rhymes

This is a bit of an inside joke and it's pretty disgusting, but I find it hilarious, so here's the story:

The Background
My friend Adam is a pretty laid back guy. Never really gets worked up or excited or worried about anything. He lives with my friend Marc, and we all occasionally hang out with the friends of Marc's girlfriend, Jessica. One of Jessica's friends has earned the nickname "the trucker" by being a disgusting, sloppy, foul-mouthed, rude, extremely unattractive person.

Tonight, My friends and I are going to party at Marc's house with many of Jessica's friends, including the trucker. Adam will be out of town with his family for thanksgiving.

It turns out that the trucker is dating a 40 year old man that I've never met, but he's been described to me as "broken down" and "unemployed." For some reason, Adam forsaw a possibility of the trucker and her boyfriend sleeping in his room, and he very seriously said that he will move out if Marc allows this to happen. He's just terrified of this possibility. It's probably the most serious I've ever seen him about anything. So, naturally, we're terrorizing him about it on the fantasy basketball message board that we share. Some highlights:

The Comment that started it:
I'm dedicating this week's victory over David to you. The absolute domination of his team will pale in comparison to the sexual domination that the Trucker will host in you bedroom while you are out of town.

I'm going to stay sober all night just to set a seductive trap for The Trucker and her boyfriend. You room will be full of scented candles, beef jerky, and a CB radio. The Trucker will be in full heat when sees these and your room will be the spot where the consummate their first Trucker child.

Adam's Response (after a few others)
I do not appreciate these posts. I do not find any humor in the idea of the Trucker coming into physical contact with me or any of my personal effects, let alone fucking a beaten down 40 year old man in my bed. Rest assured that when I return from vacation, my "Trucker Sense" will tell me whether you have managed to get any truckers into my room. If so, my revenge will come back ten-fold on all of your heads.

Some characteristic filth from my friend Drew
Rumor has it, the trucker is into anal....so don't be surprised if her old man boyfriend leaves behind some bloody trucker poop streaks as well.

Another good disgusting comment
I don't think you'll need your "Trucker Sense" when you slip on the brown tampon on your floor and fall into a white crusted dental dam.

I'm not looking forward to meeting the "Trucker Fucker" so I can only imagine how you feel about them making love all over you personal belongings.

(naturally, the term "trucker fucker" has really caught on)


My recent contribution:
Marc just told me that Adam's last words before he left were, "do whatever is necessary to keep that trucker out of my room."

In the spirit of the holidays, I've written some nursery rhymes dedicated to the horrible squirting that will go down in that room this very night. Also a few tongue-twisters as a warm-up.

How many truckers would a trucker fucker fuck if a trucker fucker could fuck truckers?

Trucker fucker humped the junk of chunky trucker

(sung to the tune of Mary had a little lamb)
Wienner had a little bed, the mattress soft as snow. And when he left to go on break, the bed got streaked with poo.

(sung to the tune of humpty dumpty)
Trucker fucker screwed in your room
Trucker fucker came with a boom
And all of the whores, and all of the men
Couldn’t get your sheets clean again.

There once was a wiens from bloomfield
Who did not want his room filled
But a trucker got in
And with a big toothless grin
Got fucked all over his pillows

(sung to the tune of the itsy bitsy spider)
The stinky stinky trucker, went in to Adam’s bed
In came the trash, and started getting head
Out came the cum, all over adam’s stuff
But the stinky stinky trucker, had not yet had enough

Momentous Occasion

Cuzzins, Sean has developed the dreaded Cournoyer weak stomach. Today he pooped, then gagged, then said "poop is yucky". This is the third incident. Recently he gagged at pee in the toilet, and also at the site of a green leaf on the ground (not knowing what it was beyond a mysterious green blob...he also requested a napkin for it).

Bri, Bubb, it's in the genes. I mean jeans.

You asked for two filthy new phrases, you got em

The ol' think and stink.
Taking a two.

Yeah, well my happy trial runs all the way to my back.
Appropriate response for just about anything.

cousin party

Rubb, when you get a chance can you remove the picture montage and can you change the blog title to cousin party or something. I think we are getting to be a big deal out there on the internet. And it appears some giant puss from my school is creepin around like a creep. Luckily I know who it is and I have experience in the dark art of splitting bodies like phone books. Im gunna get physical all over this person. The whole scene is going to go down something like this famous Eraser quote, Arnold Schwartzenager plays detective John Kimble....

[John wakes up from a drug-induced sleep]
Robert: Confused, pal? New York.
John: You're off course.
Robert: No, no we're not. You're gonna take us to her John.
[John reaches for his gun. Robert holds up his gun in a plastic bag]
Robert: You did a very, very bad thing, John. You killed Monroe. Now that makes you the mole.
John: No, that makes you a murderer.

The Room

Have any of you seen the movie The Room? You all need to see it so we can talk about it on the blog. Kate and i watched it this weekend. Easily the best worst movie of all time. You need to watch it at least 2-3 times in order to fully grasp the awesomeness of it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yCj8sPCWfUw

Also, make sure to watch the interview at the end.

Natasha is Dead!!!

I hate to be the one to report this but Natasha is dead!

http://www.montrealgazette.com/news/Cournoyer+suspect+dark+past/2195374/story.html

Did you know about this? Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Halloween Pics

I read the last post, took a deep breath, and went forward anyway. Sean is usually not allowed near brown friends.

Rob's Brown Friend

• Is really an orange-brown
  
• Loves long showers and silk boxers
• Puckers once for yes, twice for no
• Cries real tears when sick
• Could use some anti-aging cream...badly
• Moans deeply, sadly when full
• Feels like a third wheel sometimes
• Doesn't really care for hot sauces
• Secretly wishes that life had a meaning
  

handys

I can now effectively brush my teeth with my left hand. My writing has not improved at all. Govinda and I went to kettle moraine(northern unit) this weekend and did some quintessential fall hiking. There are some shelters along the ice age trail (crosses the state) that you can reserve. Seem like a pretty sweet deal for ease of access. I also heard that there is a ski area in northern wisconsin/up area that you can rent yurts for 200$ a night and sleep 10 people, have showers, and are heated. More on this to come. I'll uplord some pictures of the area soon...Indian reservation casinos still have plenty of fear and loathing that vegas now lacks...basterds owe me money too.

Girly Things

Iit's a girl, if I didn't mention. The names we are considering:

Ms. Winifred Spank

That is all.

Shower Confessional

Washing my hair is the last thing I do in the shower. It feels good to get that off of my chest.

I encourage you all to clear your conscience. For example, J Face could go ahead and admit that, when he washes his holes, he's knuckle deep. There - you are healed.

WHIPIT JAY JAY FACE HAS TO POO!!!

I've had to poo all day long, but since I work in a hospital, I'm very afraid of the toiletes at work. I've seen some real bad ones that made me afraid to poo in the bathrooms there. One bad one was all bloody and had some thick black liquid on(not in) it. I have no idea of the horrors those bathrooms have seen. To make things worse, the bathrooms for employees are very small, not well ventilated, and very close to work stations. Out of respect for my cooworkers, I do not poo in those, especially not after some weird meatloaf sandwich that started this whole train of events. I am now home, its been many hours since I new I had to poo, and the bathroom is being pooed in. We are low on tp and I am getting anxious and nervous.

I debated not entering any text here, leaving the title to tell the story. I believe that it would not have done this feeling justice.

The door just opened and the fan is not on. I don't know what I'm getting into, but my intuition tells me nothing pleasent is about to happen.

ambisexterity

I do some rock climbing.
Strong right arm weak left.
Make left stronger.
Have others made left stronger?
Write one paragraph a day lefty.
Track progress.
Must do other exercise for left.
Fug you right arm.