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musings cont'd

post traumatic stress: gaping asshole.

I found the mole!!!: Something I overheard today.


with kyle's musings has come a wave of inappropriate text messages. Here's how his texts progress over the course of one week...

mmm, jeremy cake.

hot jeremy gush.

just picture it...your gush, red hot, dribbling down clooney's chin.

open: butt
enter: nut

jeremy is wrist deep

in my throat

put yr toe down my throoooooooad...yeah yeah...throooooooooat oat oat yeah yeah ungh ungh

ungh ungh...now put your butt down my throat...now take out..now put it back in...now out...now in..gulp gulp ungh grrrrr

now take it out an hold it there, teasing me...then dip it down, but raise it right back up...I want it but you wont give it to me...and then you do, suddenly.


Yr but jamming down my throat...ungghhhh

Now...put yr butt in the microwave until its red hot...then I want you to burnnnn me with it...

Now...take yr butt and put it in the firdge...nice n cool...then freeeeeze me with...it so good...

Now...but it back in my mouth...i want to thaw it there so good...

Now...grease yr butt..now wipe it dry and shave it...now let some stubble grow...now scraaaape it down my forehead.


This then follows with a picture of his new baby girl.

I felt I had to share this with someone, but knew even close friends couldn't handle these thoughts. Last hope...the cousin blog.

I can understand talks of my hot gush on clooneys chin, but scraping my greased butt stubble on your face may be a little tough to handle if accidentally read by an unknowing victim of the imagery. I went to show someone the baby picture and had to hide the phone until I pulled it up, which looks kinda strange. I was laughing as I showed off the picture though, which also looked kinda strange.

Musings III

Musings: what happen when I go on mental leave from science to prep for the baby.

Balvenie 15 year scotch: see above.

Ice Dancing: just an excuse to wear more fabric

Boxer shorts: see above.

Underrated: briefs, briefs, briefs. And legal briefs. And neck fat that flaps in the wind.

Overrated: Office 2007, gourmet Mac N Cheese, stink in my fireplace fire, marbles.

Countries represented in my lab: US, Lebanon, Spain, Germany, Japan, Israel, France, Switzerland, China, Canada

Countries represented in lab at 9:00am: US, china.

Rob’s Hot Gush: should be a signature mixed drink.

Jake N Bake: my morning routine.

Modern rock: eh.

Postmodern rock: Jeremy’s balls flapping against the bathroom tile.

I’m not sure who first used the word “nod” in Oscar conversation, but it has gotten way out of control.

Bukkake: what any good Powerpoint presentation ends with.

tear jerking highschool diary

I found and read my mandatory highschool diary today. I had to write in it everyday. Its got about 20 pages of complaining about having to bullshit my way through writing everyday and making fun of the teacher. As far as I can tell, I wrote every assignment during class before it was due. I had a very low grade at first because I didn't know she would read it. Here's some of the better quotes.

"now we are going to disect a poem and tear out every ounce of beauty it once had."

"I guess its really moving to say gospel instead of gospel music. Crazy bitch."

2/15 points for those last two, which were from the same day.

"They say music can soothe even a savage beast, but if it doesn't then you're screwed.
What if you play music the beast doesnt like? then all you did was piss it off."

"I finally found a pen that doesn't puke ink and smear."

"Russel is about to throw something at Lee becuase he is snoring so loud. Its a weird bubbly, growling sort of noise. Lee is awake now. huge red mark on his forehead. awesome. We are now harassing Lee. good stuff."


Ahhhh highschool.

Ps. Lee's last name is Gizarelli. Needless to say, we harrassed him for being gumpy and having a last name with the word jiz in it.

Musings II

Brace yourself...for a Meatwave.

Ombudsman believes the MIT loose cannon won't be a problem, I’m told. How, why: Dunno.

Polanski: if only he didn’t make such awesome movies.

Pol Potski: if only I weren't spoken for...

Last night Sean laid down on his belly like he was ready for a massage, and then said "Tickle me."

The Magnetic Fields: a good show

My jock: ready for whatever life throws it

Rat poo: smelly

Rat poo: all over

overheard quotes from work

"I looked over the his shoulder when he opened up the guy and said "OHH!! Awesome!! Whats that thing?"

"I think I've got...4 breasts?"

"Yup, thats me. I'm the pee queen."

"I'm in over my head with all this urine."

"There's some guys leg in the fridge and its starting to make the bloodbank stink."

"Its your turn to poke the combative drunk guy."
In responce: "OK, but the last one spit on me while I was trying to poke him."

"YEA! I found the stool sample!"


This ones a little old and a little morbid, but still kind of funny...
"Happy valentines day, here's a stillborn."

More to come. I just started writing these down.

Musings

Baby: eminent. Name, face: TBD. Belly: bursting.

My body, in excitement: undulating.

Sean’s nightmare last night: there was a dragon and a pig in his bed, and the dragon was petting him.

Good band name and hit single: Smooth Sailing, by Obstacle Illusion

I watch about as little Denver basketball as is possible, but am completely fed up with this Birdman idiot.

woa, yes, woa, yes, woa woa, yes yes YES: as heard during Olympic curling, or while
I made pudding tonight?

Valentine’s gift from your kid: pretty awesome.

True story from the halls of MIT neuroscience: Totally randomly I was shoved into a revolving door. Then come to find it is a grad student, and that there have been similar incidents, including violently kicking a door, other shovings, etc. Figure he is about to pop. It’s been taken to the MIT officials. Time will tell.

Beefy Russian hockey star: Sergei Groundchuck

Are highly intermittent bursts of fast jogging good for my body?

Prior locations for a conference I get to attend this summer for the first time: New Zealand, Scotland castle. This summer’s location: Jersey Shore.

In hotel hot tub yesterday, 5-ish year old hops in, yaps at me in usual 5-ish year old way. Then sits in front of jet and says “Ohhhhhh baby, that’s the stuff.” Then, “This hottub is hot! But not as hot as womens. There’s some there. You should talk to them. They like that”.

Fart: toilet appetizer.

Skid marks: doggy bag.

more links

so, to follow the last two posts of youtube videos, heres mine. p.s. my internet is really slow and I didn't watch this video, so hopefully its the right one...

most unnecessary stunts in a chase scene:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p310Y0tctr8


another random twofer
http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/1K5mJ2/www.youshouldhavealsoseenthis.com/

I can't get the N64 one out of my mind.
Hit the stumble button in the top left corner to be put to a random site.

Best Dramatic Scene Ever

From The Room:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a-FSddF8p_U&feature=PlayList&p=123801CAA4C89BD7&index=9

ps- you guys really need to see this movie.

Best Fight Action Ever

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_K9AxO5t4BE

Favorite part?

Butt Sneeze

Hilarious Gracism:

After a surprise fart she says "oops, my butt sneezed."

Projecto

I am doing a project and I would like some thoughtful information from yous.

What information would you like about drugs? Either when you have gotten a prescription (or child's), grabbed tylenol for a headache, or drunken too much coffee.

Who do you picture giving you this information? Dr. in lab coat, hippie with dreads telling you how "heady" it is, or college dude with thick glasses?

What questions about drugs do you have?

The more info the better.

Examples

In most gangsta movies, at some point, someone is made an example of. The idea is that all the haters out there are plottin and scheming to do someone dirty, and they need a nice vivid example of the consequences.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about how we can do the same thing for ourselves. Let's say you're struggling with will-power. You could either say, I spend so much time doing shit I don't want to be doing, I've got shit for will-power. Then you start to believe it, and the problem reinforces itself. Or, you could make an example of yourself. The best way to do this is to have some overly dramatic representation of will-power. This serves two purposes: it shows the painful consequences and reminds you that you are capable of will-power. Maybe you fast for 48 hours. Maybe you work all night. Maybe you don't watch TV for 2 weeks. Maybe you brush your teeth 30 times in one day. Whatever. What's important is that you have some vivid representation that you're capable of great feats of will. Then, when you're plottin and schemin to be a piece of shit some sunday, one of the first things that pops into your mind is this example, reminding you that weakness is punished, and you have the capacity to behave how you believe you should.

I just did one of these. I used to really pride myself on my willingness to do random adventures. Trips, games, anything. It was bigger than just priding myself on it, I considered it a key part of my identity, and one of the best parts of life. I've gotten away from that a little, and started thinking that everything I did should to be planned and logical. This is bad. So when an opportunity to make an example presented itself I took it. I just put in a request to get tickets to the world cup this summer in south africa. by myself. This was neither planned nor logical. Good.

Just cuz

Random CO pictures to move this blog along:





Also, a random question:
Is "pear ass" a good thing or a bad thing?

Creative Lewdness

Have you ever seen the american express commercial where they make everday items (purses, couches, chairs, sinks, vacuums, etc.) look like faces?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D9LzO_nLVIc

For some reason I love that commercial. Anywho, I think we can do better and I propose a contest where everyone submits their own picture or pictures. Winner gets a special gift from me of my choosing.

Major points will be awarded for creative lewdness.

Here are a few lame attempts (lacking in lewdness) by me:

Kyle got drunk and farted at my dad.

Over the holidays I like to reflect on the past year, the ups and downs, the bests and worsts. I encourage you to make a list too. Why? Just make the fucking list.

* Favorite movie despite not having seen any of the year’s top rated: Public Enemy
* Favorite (and only) live show: Andrew Bird
* Favorite side characters that steal the friggin show: Andy (The Office), street corner thug (Gran Torino), Jimmy Smits (Dexter), Charlie (Its Always Sunny...)
* Movie that, on revisiting again in my head this year, still think is the most monstrously overrated movie of the decade: Crash (2004)
* God’s cheese gift to me: Dubliner cheese
* Biggest cheese mistake of ’09: last week’s homemade Roquefort & refried bean quesadilla
* Favorite Children’s show I’ve grown to absolutely hate: Yo Gabba Gabba
* Favorite Children’s show that aint so bad: Backyardigans
* Favorite Mr. Stinky: the one down there
* Least favorite weird thing: suddenly gaining weight; my weight has never fluctuated much, then bam, I turn 30 and here comes the pound packing.

Macgyver

A decently amusing story:

I left the bar at 2am last night and went back to my apartment and found myself locked out of it. No fault of my own actually, but that's not relevant to the story. I thought about calling a few friends I was out with so I could crash on their couch, but decided it would cost me a few hours of sleep to deal with getting there and getting back to my place in the morning before I gave my class their final at 10AM, and that breaking into my apartment would present a good challenge. I got really into Macgyver as a stoner undergrad, and figured I had seen enough episodes that I was capable of this. I have seen him break into doors with a credit card, and decided that was the plan.

I figured what I had to do was get the card between the wall and the metal-lock piece that sticks into the wall. This wasn't going to happen; there was a metal shelving for that thing, which I'll call the "penis" for sake of clarity. So the penis was nestled into the vagina, and there was no way my card was coming between the two. Far too big.

I decided what had to be done was to rip the card so it could fit in there. I chose my "check card" which I'm still not sure what it does, and ripped that into a strip that would fit into the vagina. It fit! But there was no way that it was going to be strong enough to push the penis back into the door. I was stuck.

I have also seen movies where people kick down doors, so I decided that was worth a try. I did some stretching (the last thing I needed at that point was a pulled hammy) and decided on body-checking the door instead of kicking it. I left the card piece in there, thinking that might help. So I drilled the door with my body (shoulder is a little sore) but it didn't open. It did seem to move a bit, and when I went back to the door, I could see into the vagina a little better. The penis was still fully in there, but the door was now able to be pushed back far enough where I could almost touch the penis with my finger. I also woke some neighbors. I went back to work with the card, not wanting to completely destroy my door a day before leaving for 3 weeks.

I ripped my check card into 4 strips that I could fit between the penis and vagina, but I still couldn't get any push back on the penis. So I took another credit card and tried to weasel that in, and thought I felt the penis push in. I did that for about 5 minutes, but still didn't feel like I was pushing in on the penis with enough strength. I made it 3 credit cards, and instantly knew I was onto something. Eventually I put a corner of the 3 cards into the vagina, behind the penis (the path was cleared by the ripped card strips still in there) and twisted the cards other corner so it went between the door and the wall, and the door opened. I stood there confused for a second, not really sure what happened. Then I pumped my fists triumphantly and ate some pie.

The end.

Tricky Smit

One trick I like to play, though not really a good idea, is to lead Sean into a tough topic and have him ask Dee about it. Today's was spurred on by a blood drive sign: "Sean, do you want to do a blood drive?", "What's a blood drive?", "Ask your mommy". Then after explaining that it is for grown ups that donate blood for sick people, Sean says "But I'm not sick, so I can eat blood."

The Douchies

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